Transformational Teachings from Counselor Jane Ilene Cohen

Getting involved sexually is not just a physical experience. It’s a part of something that means more, and so the issue is whether the meaning more is a part of a fantasy or it’s connected to the real relationship.

There is a difference between someone who is needy and trying to use you to make up for a lack in themselves — and someone who is coming from wholeness and love, and from really enjoying you. When a person is needy, they don’t have the channels open to receive what it is they need. You then become a symbol to them of what they need, rather than who you really are.

Following enlightened self-interest* is leading you down a path that we couldn’t have preconceive of. This shows how irrelevant our preconceptions are about how things are supposed to end up looking. The challenge is being willing to stand in the confusion and discomfort of the unknown until things become clear, rather than jumping into an immediate solution so you can stop dealing with it.

The issue here is who or what is defining your experience of reality. Is it being defined from outside yourself or from inside yourself? In the old paradigm it was your boss, and the structure of the company, that was defining what your value was, according to how well you fit into what serves the interests of the company and/or the people who control it. … But this definition of value is limited by the particular perspectives of the people who control it. It is therefore defined by a human construct, which is not necessarily aligned with what is inherently true. Human constructs can’t define your actual value.

For any relationship to work, each person must be coming from what truly matters to them, or there is no solid foundation for it. Ultimately the only relationship we are in is between ourselves and a larger or Universal Truth.

When you get to the bottom of what is true between people, it always is love. That is what is underneath the separation, the fear, the anger, and the pain. But most people are so daunted by the dragon at the gateway to coming together with the other, they never find that out.

It’s not about what the person wants that’s the issue, but what is motivating him wanting it. If it’s substituting for some emotional need that he doesn’t have access to receiving, because he doesn’t have the channels open, it won’t work and will conflict with you.

What’s more important than taking certain actions, or changing your behavior in relation to her, is changing your insides.

Out of fear of losing this security, people lock themselves into a particular form, rather than paying attention to and evolving whatever is really true between them, as well as growing and evolving themselves.

Being in integrity with himself is not about the action Sally’s husband (I’m calling Jake) decides to take one way or the other. It’s the process by which he gets there.