Transformational Teachings from Counselor Jane Ilene Cohen

Regardless of the external circumstances, being a victim has to do with attitude and interpretation.

There is a difference between someone who is needy and trying to use you to make up for a lack in themselves — and someone who is coming from wholeness and love, and from really enjoying you. When a person is needy, they don’t have the channels open to receive what it is they need. You then become a symbol to them of what they need, rather than who you really are.

Most children start out viewing their parents basically as God, because they are physically and emotionally dependent on their parents for their well-being and survival. But when children run into a conflict where something traumatic happens that shakes their perception of reality about themselves in relation to their parents, they then generally contract into making a generalized limiting decision* about those they are dependent on.

The issue here is who or what is defining your experience of reality. Is it being defined from outside yourself or from inside yourself? In the old paradigm it was your boss, and the structure of the company, that was defining what your value was, according to how well you fit into what serves the interests of the company and/or the people who control it. … But this definition of value is limited by the particular perspectives of the people who control it. It is therefore defined by a human construct, which is not necessarily aligned with what is inherently true. Human constructs can’t define your actual value.

For any relationship to work, each person must be coming from what truly matters to them, or there is no solid foundation for it. Ultimately the only relationship we are in is between ourselves and a larger or Universal Truth.

When you get to the bottom of what is true between people, it always is love. That is what is underneath the separation, the fear, the anger, and the pain. But most people are so daunted by the dragon at the gateway to coming together with the other, they never find that out.

People often compromise themselves in relationships rather than revealing what is really true from their perspective, because they don’t believe it could possibly work out if everyone did that.

What people often associate with safety, stability and comfort is actually retreating from engaging in life, into a world they believe they can control.

The question is what you are committed to. From a shallow kind of perspective, people can be committed to what makes them feel good in the moment. And so when things get difficult they just leave. On the other side of the pendulum …

We are in a transition period, moving into taking personal responsibility for the world each of us is creating. We can no longer afford to blame it on what the other person is doing.