(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)

Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.

As you may recall the last “Ask Jane” was a continuation of a dialog with William whose wife of nearly 30 years had become so emotionally out of touch with reality, it became impossible for him to live with her.  And the comfort and stability he had built up in his life with her for all of these years had been pretty much shattered.  The point of my answer to him had to do with the only thing that really happened is he learned that he was looking in the wrong direction for his source of well-being and stability.

In response to that “Ask Jane,” I received this request from a reader:  “Will you please expound next on what actually gives us stability?”

The answer to this is a large subject, beyond the scope of this newsletter, and goes to the heart of what the “Life is Meant to Work” Thought System Course I teach is about.  So, for this article, I’ll just touch on a piece of it:

The source of the deep feeling of instability for William was he had had more faith in his ability to control the outcomes in his life to result in his benefit, than he had in the inherent nature of how life works. Real stability has to do with coming into alignment with what is actually true, with what is real, the inherent principles and foundations of Life, Truth, Love, Consciousness, Intelligence — present-moment reality; and allowing it to transform your experience — and you — in the process.  It requires letting go of human control.

People generally don’t consciously relate to Life itself (or an overall Intelligence or Consciousness, or a Divine Presence….),  which is not in human control — unless perhaps when they’re in some sort of crisis that they see no solution to that they believe they can control.  This is based on the deeply ingrained, underlying belief that life doesn’t work — or that it’s just arbitrary, and not something that can be counted on.

And it is based on the idea that what is actually real is the physical world, and can be controlled by human beings.  It’s just a question of:  Who is controlling whom?  Who is the source of well-being for whom?  Who is defining reality for whom?  We either control them or they control us.

William had been trying to control the outcome of what is actually true in his life with his wife.  And he was assuming that this huge change that has been happening in their lives would end up being harmful for both of them, rather than trusting that if he followed what is actually true, the shifting and changing that would result from it would move both of them forward in their personal growth and life’s path.

Another way to put it is we generally believe truth is against us.  People often compromise themselves in relationships rather than revealing what is really true from their perspective, because they don’t believe it could possibly work out if everyone did that.  It means they don’t put themselves in a transformational — which is another way of saying “evolutionary” — process where the whole picture could shift and change in a way that they don’t control, and can’t foresee the outcome of.

From the human perspective, putting oneself in that position is counter-intuitive.  That is because it is switching survival systems.  It is relying on a whole different system for your safety, stability and well-being.  In order to be willing to do that it is crucial to really get that — when your experience of reality is not distorted by limiting decisions* — life inherently does work.  It is switching from what I call the “substitute world” to the “real world,” which is one way to describe what the shift in consciousness is that the world is in the midst of now.

* Limiting Decision:  An unconscious decision made in early childhood that is some form of that life doesn’t work, and usually that there is something inherently wrong with you — such as “I am powerless,” “bad,” “without value;” or “The world is a dangerous place,” “People can’t be trusted,” and so on.

(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)

Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.

Question is from Jered in Mission Valley (real names are never used)

Jered: Recently I’ve had useful (?) feedback on business projects. This person’s viewpoint is that the glass is always half-empty. It’s a challenge to hear rain on the parade. Yet sometimes this ‘braking’ action leads me to other – less enthusiastic perspectives.

It seems to me this goes back to the core about limited decisions*. Maybe you can comment on how these negative people have a balancing effect?

Jane: I gather that this person is calling to your attention possible pitfalls to the business projects you presented him with, which may cause the projects to fail.

Here are some thoughts, from the perspective that you might have a limiting decision* that is blocking the success of your business projects:  Let’s say you have a limiting decision* — for example perhaps something like “No one wants what you really have to offer.”  The way it works is, once the limiting decision is made, the unconscious mind becomes invested in proving the limiting decision is true.  In other words, people manifest into their lives whatever the limiting decisions are that they have made.  In this case, the result might be that the way you conceive of possible business projects causes potential buyers not to be attracted to them.

People often create emotional defense systems for the purpose of buffering the pain of their limiting decisions, or compensating for them.  So in this case, perhaps you tend to create an overly rosy picture of your projects to compensate for really believing that no one wants what you have to offer.  And this defense system keeps you from functioning in reality.

Then this person that you have described, comes along who doesn’t follow the social norms of being polite and tactful, and being positive about your project — basically coming across to you as being negative — and he’s not giving you the expected feedback you are pushing for that overlooks the reality of what you are actually presenting him with.  So this man’s behavior then punctures your emotional defense system, and you feel as though he is “raining on your parade.”

If, instead of having a knee jerk negative response to his input, you can step back and investigate whatever might be true in what he is presenting to you — beyond whatever distortions he might be bringing to the table — then yes, I agree that you can gain some positive and useful insights as a result of this.

* Limiting decisions: Unconscious decisions, usually made before the age of 6 or 7, such as “I am bad,” “I am not good enough.”  “People can’t be trusted.”  They are always some form of deciding that life doesn’t work, and usually that there is something inherently wrong with you.

(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)

Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.

From Sally in Solana Beach: My husband agreed to go to an event with me that was important to me.  But a few days before the event he realized that an important football game was playing that night, which he hadn’t known about and he blurted out that he wasn’t going to the event because he wanted to stay home and watch the game.  I told him that I had thought he was a person of integrity, but because of how he acted I realized that he really isn’t, if he could just blow off his commitment to me like that.  He did realize shortly after his response that he hadn’t behaved very well, and suggested we discuss possible solutions.  But I am still seeing him as a person without integrity because of how he acted.  He obviously didn’t see me as a very high priority.  Don’t you think this shows a lack of integrity?

Jane: I’d say, clearly your husband was coming from an emotionally triggered place — at least in his initial response.  But it doesn’t mean to me that this shows he is a person basically lacking in integrity.

I think this brings up something important for you to look at in yourself.  Leaning on ridged rules, as you seem to be doing, is a way to avoid relating in the moment, where you reveal where you are at, and engage back and forth about what’s really happening, such as “I’m triggered,” “This is how I’m feeling”, “This is really important to me.”  If you avoid relating in the moment, you don’t have to be vulnerable, you don’t have to reveal anything, and you don’t have to engage.  It’s just, “This is the rule; you follow it or you’re bad.”

And that’s a place that people often fall into in areas in which they have limiting decisions*, because they don’t trust life to work the way it really is. And I’m guessing a significant limiting decision* was triggered in you by this situation, bringing up emotional responses beyond what the situation really called for.  For example, the limiting decision* could have to do with you not feeling valued or that there isn’t anyone you can count on.  And you’re projecting the pain of the limiting decision* onto your husband, which is why you are being ridged about it, and why you’re drawing a broad generalization about him.

Since — after his initial knee jerk response — your husband was open to discussing this with you to find a solution, it appears to me that he’s not creating an impossibility.  But if you take a ridged stand on a judgment about what this means about his character, you have shut the door to a way forward.  When you’re really being present — engaging, revealing, and being vulnerable, you don’t need to have ridged rules, because you are interacting in life, and life does work when you’re really participating in it.

So — you recognize that your husband had a dysfunctional response, you look at the limiting decisions being triggered in yourself and in him, and you work through it.  A way forward will become clear, when you are really able to be present with each other.

* Limiting Decisions: Unconscious decisions, usually made before the age of 6 or 7, such as “I am bad,” “I am not good enough.”  “People can’t be trusted.”  They are always some form of deciding that life doesn’t work, and usually that there is something inherently wrong with you.

(Participants’ names are changed to protect their privacy.)

(To Chas) “The way it works is after you made the limiting decision that who you are is unacceptable, you then built up a false persona that is what you considered to be acceptable to the people you wanted to be acceptable to.  These will be people similar to the original significant people in your life you made the liming decision in relation to.  Those are then the kind of people who you will attract.  You will attract people who are attracted to the false persona, not who you really are.  And then if you try to relate to those people with your real self, they’re probably not going to have a positive response to you, because they fit a whole scenario in which the real you is not acceptable, so that’s how they’re going to respond to you. You’re selecting people who will respond positively, perhaps, to the substitute persona that you set up, depending upon what the structure is that the limiting decision is formed around.  So as you start changing, and becoming more of who you are, you are very likely to find that the people you attracted with the false persona don’t fit you any more. But you’re also more likely to be open to people who actually like you.  I think everybody in this group really likes you.”

… “It’s similar to what I have said to Janet many times before, because both of you are very emotionally vulnerable.  Your real strength probably has to do with you coming into your vulnerable emotions and accepting them, stepping into them. And this is a foundation from which to build whatever you want to build, whether it’s your law practice, or your relationships with you family, or whatever it is.  It’s where your gifts and strengths are.  You probably don’t realize the power of your vulnerable emotions.

(To Janet) To you, if it comes from male logic, you think that’s the only way you’ll have the right to make waves, or the only way you’ll be taken seriously.  Then you have the right to have an influence in the world.  But that’s not the way you’re going to make waves.  You are going to make waves with the power of your emotions, because that’s where your strength is.  Emotions are very powerful, and you may be afraid of that.  And it will have an influence, and you may be afraid of that.  What you just said is you’ll be held to a higher level of conduct, and I think that’s what you could be afraid of.  You have said before that once you start getting into your passion, what it is that you want, you’re afraid you going to be like a dictator, and make things all the way you want.  And this perhaps relates in some indirect way, to a higher standard of conduct.  There’s some misconception that’s in the mix of this, that’s confusing the matter for you.

What is also the mix, which it might also be important to you, Chas, is enlightened self-interest.  It’s a very important concept.  When we’re talking about power and we’re talking about what matters to you. When we’re taking about your passion, and about really getting out there in your power — then the issue of self-interest comes into the picture.  It’s important to understand the distinction between self-interest as a defense system, which is what selfishness is — and enlightened self-interest, which is what really matters to you, and which is in alignment with life, the universe.  If it really matters to you, then that is the truth.  It either matters to you, or it doesn’t matter to you. That’s just a fact.  So that makes it a part of larger truth.  If you make the limiting decision that you can’t have what matters to you, whether it’s love, or acceptance, or being valuable, that’s where things get confused.  Generally before you make the limiting decision having these things are not an issue.  You just go toward what makes you happy, what matters to you. But after you make the limiting decision, for instance, that you’re not valuable, then being valuable becomes an issue.  Since you then don’t think you’re valuable, then you do symbolic things that make you feel you are valuable, such as buy an expensive house or car, whether or not you can really afford it.  So people go for these symbolic things.  But these symbolic things are not what really matters to you.  People think, ‘Oh I want this, I want that, I want that, and that’s self-interest.’  But that’s not what enlightened self-interest is.  Enlightened self-interest is the real thing, not the symbol.  If you’re going for the real thing, then it can only have a positive influence on everyone and every thing, because it’s in Divine order.  It is truth. It is the way things really are.  But when you’re going for something that is a symbolic substitute, and not what you really want, then it comes from a blocked and distorted perspective, and that puts you out of alignment with truth. And then somewhere down the line, it’s going to not turn out well, because it’s not in alignment with truth.”

(Clients’ names are changed to protect their privacy)

(Melanie was saying she doesn’t like being vulnerable and crying.)

“The trick for you, since you’re such an amazingly strong woman, such a strong personality, is to get past using those attributes as part of your defense system. Life or your higher self, or whatever it is, is causing you to be more and more vulnerable, and is piling more and more things on you, and you don’t have the strength to bat it all off. And so it is conspiring to get you in a vulnerable place, so you can learn something different.

When you’re vulnerable, you are going into the territory of where the limiting decision is coming to the surface. It is going past your defense system and so you are liable to find out whether the limiting decision is true or not. The reason you’re hiding the real stuff underneath it is because you have a negative decision about what is really true. And so you want to keep it not conscious. The power of this group is that you have as many people as are here, who want you to be real, and who are pushing for you to be real, and who will not accept the false defense system, and push you into where the limiting decision will come out and you will find the truth. You will find out whether it’s really true or not. And it always turns out to not be true. That’s the power of this work. Limiting decisions are never true. When we push past your defense systems, which is what’s happening right now, and into the vulnerable emotions, where you are at the center of attention in your vulnerability, you find that it is a positive thing, not a negative thing, and that people have a positive response to you, not a negative response to you. It allows people to love you. And that happened to some degree for you last time at the very end, which is what you were referring to.

And that’s what happened to Anita. When people reveal where they’re really at, where they think something negative is going to happen, what actually happens is it makes them accessible to other people — for them to love you. Whereas in your original situation, the response you may have gotten was the opposite, in which case you made a limiting decision about what happens when you’re real and vulnerable.

But that’s not in accordance to reality. When you’re out in the world, you tend to attract people who interlock with your structure. You recognize people as potential people to be involved with who are similar to people in your past, which you made your limiting decisions in relation to. And so they will most likely respond the negative way you expect them to respond. Whereas you did not choose the people in this group. These are not people that interlock with your defense system. And therefore, you’re going to get a different response, and you’re going to find out reality is different when you don’t actively, on an unconscious level, choose people to prove your limiting decisions are true. This is an experiential situation. It’s like a little community or microcosm, in which you’ve got a different world perspective, different people responding to you, and holding in place a different reality than what you’ve previously believed. It helps to shift the internal reality that you’ve been holding in place.”

Transcript Excerpts of Jane’s Teachings
during a “Shifting into Your New Consciousness” group 7-2-09

(Clients’ names are changed to protect their privacy)

(Melanie kept defending herself about why she got angry at Nancy when Nancy asked her about her daughter’s suicide. Melanie kept bringing up the issue over and over again.)

(To Melanie) “I think you’re in conflict about talking about your daughter’s suicide, at least partially because of the issue of vulnerability. What happens when you talk about this is it brings up vulnerability in you. It’s a deeply vulnerable thing. So now when you’re bringing it up, and when you were talking about it earlier, you got very vulnerable, which means you get soft. You get into a state in which people can love you. You’re very present. It’s beautiful when you get so vulnerable like that. But you have a judgment against being vulnerable. Unfortunately vulnerability comes up only in areas that are very painful for you. But evidently those are the areas that bring you into vulnerability, because being vulnerable for you is very difficult and you won’t get into it unless you are forced. But that’s not the only kind of thing that can bring up vulnerability. You don’t have to be in pain in order to be vulnerable. Vulnerability really has to do with love. And actually the bottommost truth about the painful areas we’ve been talking about has to do with love. Love is what is causing the vulnerability, because you no doubt loved your daughter and love your son. And my guess is you keep bringing the issue up because you have a need to be vulnerable, because you need to be connected, because that’s how you can be loved. My guess is that there is something in you that wants to bring the vulnerability out in you, because that’s the only way you can not be alone. Right now you’re alone, totally alone, because you refuse to be vulnerable. And you don’t want to be alone. And so there is something in you that is aching to be vulnerable with other people.”