This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.
(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)
Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.
Question from Jered (Real names are never used):
Jered: What is your thinking on the Wikileaks guy, Assange. Is there a balance in that mess or …? I question the practical usefulness of disclosures and Assange’s seemingly righteous stance. The world is a delicate place at times.
Jane: It’s difficult to know the effect that Assange revealing these documents is having on the world. A multitude of things are happening in the world on multiple levels, much of which isn’t being talked about.
And whether Assange is coming from a place of truth and reality inside himself, or it’s a part of his emotional defense systems, I don’t know. Very likely it’s some of both.
There are many forces and dynamics happening in the world that are a part of a complex evolutionary process. And all we can do is to play our part in this universal drama, from within our own personal perspective and experience.
The reason that someone like Assange, who is affecting things on a global level, has such a huge impact is because of the general human belief that our safety and well-being is dependent on what the people outside of ourselves do. And so we live in a world based on trying to control each other. And in fact, one statement Assange seems to be trying to make is about letting go of the control. Although, his emphasis seems to be on other people letting go of the control, rather than himself.
The world is in great flux right now, and getting ourselves in the position to ride with the flow of life seems to me vitally important. And that means letting go of the control. But we can’t let go of the control as long as we believe the source of our safety and well-being is at the mercy of the world outside ourselves.
It’s a good thing that the book and movie “The Secret” (which teaches how to manifest into your life what you desire) has been so popular. Even though the majority of people don’t have a lot of success making it work, many people have enough success with it to pay attention to it. This makes it more acceptable to conceive of the idea that the source of our survival and well-being has to do with an internal process, not something imposed externally.
It’s not about what other people do; it’s about what you do. Each of us is a leader, because we are presenting a model of reality with every thought we think, and expression and movement we make. We are in a transition period, moving into taking personal responsibility for the world each of us is creating. We can no longer afford to blame it on what the other person is doing.
The world you experience depends on the vibrational stream you enter into, the kind of energy you tap into — whether it’s positive and loving, or fearful and hateful, or somewhere in between. That’s the world you are entering into. And that’s the reality you project out into the world.
This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.
(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)
Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.
This “Ask Jane” came up during a TimeLine session, with a client I’ll call Sarah. Click here to see past “Ask Jane” Q & A’s.
Sarah said her boyfriend usually gets home from work before she does. The other night he had told her he was going to make dinner for her, but when she got home from work it wasn’t even started, and he was involved in doing something else. And so she got upset about it, feeling as though it means he doesn’t value her. And then the next night she came home and he had dinner all ready for her, and he teased her, “I learned that if I don’t have dinner ready for Sarah, it’s really a big thing. And she said to him, “Well did you do it because you wanted to do it, or because you felt pressured to do it.”
Jane: This is the big trap that many people in relationships fall into. There are certain symbolic things that you (like many people) require that mean to you that you are valued or loved or respected, or whatever the symbol represents. And you feel your boyfriend doesn’t value you, love you, and so on if he doesn’t do them. And not only do you expect him to do the specific symbolic thing, but you expect him to think of it himself and do it because he wants to.
But this is an impossibility right from the start. Your boyfriend is thinking in terms of what you want. He can’t possibly want to do it originating from himself, because he’s catering to your particular symbolism. So he has to focus on what you tell him you want, rather than what’s really true for him. And what you’re asking for isn’t the real thing that matters to you any way. It can’t really give you the knowing you are valued.
Everyone inherently starts out knowing they are valuable, loveable, worthy of respect and so on. And they have experiences in life in which they feel loved, valued, and so on, because they’re open to receiving it. And it doesn’t have to come in a particular form. But when they make limiting decisions* that they aren’t valuable and so on, they close the channels for truly receiving these. Therefore they then require certain symbolic things from other people in order to feel that they are valued, loved, and so on. And when they don’t get those symbolic things, they think that other person is withholding it from them, as in your relationship with your boyfriend.
Sarah: Then how does it work with a couple? You have to compromise and push and pull to know what the other person wants. I thought in intimate relationships you just do things for each other.
Jane: It’s not about what the person wants that’s the issue, but what is motivating him wanting it. If it’s substituting for some emotional need that he doesn’t have access to receiving, because he doesn’t have the channels open, it won’t work and will conflict with you. It won’t work in terms of happiness or things really working well for both of your highest interest or joy. The only way to accommodate someone’s substitute desires is squelching and limiting yourself, and making yourself smaller, because it doesn’t leave you free to be true to yourself. It doesn’t lead forward. It contracts the relationship.
If the relationship is based on catering to each other’s substitute desires, you can get into your own little world of each other’s symbolic things. In order to do that, you have to make each other the center of your world. And if you go down that path, it doesn’t really expand the relationship. It insulates you from having to grow. You get more and more comfortable in a locked-in position, cut off from here-and-now experience. You become co-dependent on each other. Doing that insulates you from life, rather than opening up to it and growing — which I know you and your boyfriend really want. But with some couples that kind of compromise is the best they can do, because they’re not really into transformation. And they’re willing to compromise what really matters to them, because they’re more invested in feeling stable and secure, which really means stuck. And they can do that — unless or until there is something in their soul that can’t stand it. And then they end up physically or emotionally hurting each other, and/or leaving.
The part of you that is invested in the security and co-dependency is the part of you where there are limiting decisions*, resulting in you sacrificing being the divine you — as big, and as free, and as empowered, and as creative as you really are.
But you can have it all, all of it — the freedom to be true to yourself, as well as an intimate, committed relationship. This is a process. You go to where there is a conflict, where something is not working. And that alerts you. “Look over here. This is getting in the way of life working.” Compromise over something that really matters to you is never something that has to happen. When you’re in a relationship where there is a deep loving connection, and where you are connected to the divine love and truth, then certain things that used to be important to you no longer are, because they were substitute desires. And if there is a desire that either of you feels invested in that is causing a conflict between you, then one or both of you are invested in a substitute desire, resulting from an unhealed issue. And so you get to what it is and work through it, which then allows you to get more in contact with what really does matter to you.
* Limiting Decisions: Unconscious decisions usually made before 6 or 7, and sometimes in adolescence. They are always some form of life doesn’t work, and usually that there is something inherently wrong with you — such as “I am bad, worthless, unlovable …. People can’t be trusted …”
This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.
(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)
Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.
This “Ask Jane” is a continuation of one that came out a few weeks ago called “My wife has gone off the deep end.” I’m describing the continuing journey of a client who is dealing with a very difficult situation at home. (Real names are never used.)
William was saying his wife is more irrational than ever and it is a living hell for him, and nothing seems to help her. He has no personal space in their home. Whenever she wants to ask or tell him something, she interrupts him or just starts talking. It doesn’t matter if he’s sleeping in the middle of the night or if he’s working in his office. She just barges right in. She tries to hang up the phone when he’s talking with someone she doesn’t want him to talk with. He’s making plans to work outside of his home so he can get some work done, but he feels bad for her spending the whole day alone by herself, probably in bed. She keeps thinking she has everything wrong with her and gets into panics about it, such as thinking she has diabetes when she doesn’t; she believes she isn’t breathing, when she is. And so he tries to demonstrate to her that she is in fact breathing, and so on. At times when she gets more rational, he thinks things are getting better. And then she goes off the wall again. He’s generally a person who is unemotional and never cries, but he’s been feeling so stressed he finds himself crying frequently.
William: I don’t know what a loving person is or does now.
Jane: This is not about doing the right behavior. I make suggestions to you, but that’s not necessarily what you should do. What’s more important than taking certain actions, or changing your behavior in relation to her, is changing your insides. This situation is causing you to have to deal with your own unhealed issues, and is breaking through your own emotional defense systems. I can’t necessarily tell you what the right thing to do is, because I’m not in your situation. But I can help you find where the emotional triggers and the limiting decisions are in you. We clear them and things shift in you; and then the way forward becomes clear.
Right now you’re supporting your wife’s insanity to some degree. A good example of this is when she is convinced there is something wrong with her, when there clearly isn’t. And then you get upset and try to convince her there isn’t. When you’re trying to convince her or change her, it’s because you’re leaning on her to define what reality is. You’re triggered by her irrationality, and are trying to get her to be rational. Any place you’re emotionally triggered by her and therefore coming from that triggered place, you’re supporting her insanity. You’re supporting the reality paradigm she’s living in. She’s in a power-struggle with you, and you’re in a power-struggle back, and feeling controlled by her. But what your power-struggle actually is against are the emotions that are coming up in you that are triggered by her.
The best thing you can do to help her is to come into reality yourself, and relate to her from that place. As you clear the limiting decisions in you and come more into reality, you’re connecting from a real place, from your heart to her heart, in the real world in relation to her. You’re holding the real truth of what’s really true between you and her, despite the way she’s acting, which is outside of the reality of what is true. And then you’re not being controlled by the insanity that’s coming from her. And you’re also coming from a compassionate place, which includes compassion for you. It includes you in the picture. And so you’re no longer letting her insanity rule the situation between you.
Who knows — this could be the best thing anyone could do for your wife right now — to be actually going through the process with her, and coming into reality and relating to her more and more in reality. It could perhaps bring her into reality.
This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.
(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)
Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.
Lucy is a woman in her 40′s who has never been married, although she’s been in many relationships. She has been afraid of commitment, and generally has been in relationship with men who are also afraid of commitment.
Because of the work we’ve done clearing Limiting decisions in TimeLine sessions, Lucy is now in a committed relationship with a man I’ll call Alan. They are living together and seriously talking about getting married and having a baby. But some fears are coming up for both of them. They are thinking of making a pre-nuptial agreement in case they end up divorced, as many people end up doing. Lucy recently talked with a married friend of hers who was talking about how unhappy she is in her marriage. She talked contemptuously about her husband, and said “Just wait, 10 years down the line after you are married, you’ll see what I mean.” And another woman who was there agreed that was also how she felt about her marriage. Lucy said she was afraid that will end up happening to Alan and her.
Jane’s response: Up until fairly recent times, more people stayed married than got divorced. This was because of the social stigma about getting divorced, and perhaps even more so because women depended on their husbands to support them. Now, as women have come increasingly more into their power, this is no longer such a constraint.
To many people, marriage is a kind of a fantasy about home, and stability, and being loved forever, and safety against the trials of the world. They believe that in order to make marriage work, each partner has to sacrifice and compromise themselves to whatever degree is necessary. And this is a part of what defines love. Out of fear of losing this security, people lock themselves into a particular form, rather than paying attention to and evolving whatever is really true between them, as well as growing and evolving themselves. People, in general, don’t believe life will work if they follow the truth of what it actually is.
What is holding this is place are limiting decisions. If there are limiting decisions in there that cause you to lean on the marriage as a fixed form, in order to compensate for whatever is unhealed in you, it will get in the way of a true relationship between you — unless you recognize and deal with the limiting decisions. In fact the relationship form can be used to substitute for actually relating to each other. Examples of limiting decisions that result in this are decisions you can’t take care of yourself, you’re not good enough, you aren’t safe in the world, you can’t succeed in life, emotional intimacy is weak or dangerous, people can’t be trusted, other people’s needs are more important than yours. Using your relationship to compensate for these will ultimately cause one or both of you to attach yourself to each other, put huge pressure on each other to be other than who you are, create a sense of emptiness or meaninglessness, and probably cause one or the other of you to pull away from the relationship.
As conflict or pressures come up in the relationship that seem to get in the way of being true to yourself, it’s an indication of a limiting decision* distorting your perception of how things really are. And so it’s necessary to face and deal with the limiting decisions* — or you end up forfeiting a piece of yourself. You end up compromising what matters to you. And that’s what kills relationships. But that’s what people do all of the time, because they don’t make personal transformation an essential ingredient in their relationship. It’s never the nature of life or relationships that’s the problem. It is unhealed issues distorting your experience of reality that causes life to appear not to work.
* Limiting decisions: Unconscious decisions, usually made before the age of 6 or 7, such as “I am bad,” “I am not good enough.” “People can’t be trusted.” They are always some form of deciding that life doesn’t work, and usually that there is something inherently wrong with you.
As I mentioned in my newsletter last week, these are challenging times for many people. And the question of whether humanity is moving forward or backward is not necessarily obvious. We have clearly made huge advances in many areas of human experience, but are also facing potentially disastrous outcomes from directions humanity has gone in, and continues to go in.
A couple of people responded to the invitation I gave last week for dialog. And their responses are in the previous blog post. My own perspective on this actually requires far more space than I can use in a newsletter article, and is in fact a major focus of my 12-week “Life is Meant to Work” tele-seminar. And so, in my below article, I’ll give you an overview of some of where I’m coming from, which as always is based on the principle that life is meant to work.
I invite you to participate in further dialog about this or any other topic that seems important to you, by going to my contact form — click here.
I look forward to hearing from you,
Jane Ilene Cohen
Intuitive & Transformational Counselor
(760) 753-0733
The Challenge in Front of Us
An Overview by Jane Ilene Cohen
Up until now, in the human evolutionary process, we have been making progress toward increasingly more consciousness, intelligence, truth and love. And now we are being faced with a shift that is a quantum leap beyond where we have been before. It seems clear to me we are in the midst of a transition period, in which there is increasingly more pressure to make this shift. And eventually the shift is going to just happen, ready or not. For those who have not prepared themselves for it, it will probably be a much rougher transition.
Up until a certain point, humanity’s idea of progress was more or less working, as we hadn’t yet reached a tilting point. But it has been based on some fundamentally false premises. These are that the physical world is the basis of actual reality and is the source of real power, and that the source of our well-being and survival therefore is the physical world and people outside of ourselves. And therefore we believe that they are also the sources of our individual and collective problems. And so this is where we are focusing our efforts for solutions. We have been using our considerable resources to gain increasingly more control of the world around us, and to amass more and more power and resources based on this. Our goal becomes having more and controlling more, as if that will give us what really matters to us. But the result is actually the opposite.
It appears to me that it takes us having pushed this old paradigm to its limits (so that there is nowhere further to go with it), and getting to the point where the disastrous outcomes of doing so are so apparent that we can no longer ignore them — before we are willing to make this shift that feels to us like jumping off of a cliff. It’s giving up the idea that our safety lies in our human control, and instead relying on something we have no control over, based on the recognition of the totally benevolent nature of reality (the Universe, Life….).
It is making the shift into a new survival system, as radically different as shifting from breathing water, to breathing air. Rather than, from within a limited human perspective, relying on controlling the world and people external to ourselves for our safety and well-being — it’s coming into a co-creative relationship with a larger non-physical source, which can only be accessed from inside of each individual soul. It is a recognition that the nature of reality works wonderfully well, when it isn’t distorted by human control.
The bottom line is that none of us is at the mercy of what others of us do or don’t do. We can’t rely on other people to do what is good for them, or for us, or for our ecosystem; and we also can’t force them. Putting our energy and focus in that direction is not moving toward actual solutions, but in the opposite direction. It is standing on the ground that caused the problem in the first place. The basis of greed and corruption is believing the physical is the source, which is inherently a framework of limits, leading to power-struggles or sacrifice.
Where I believe the solutions lie is in each of us moving toward recognizing how we are using our own individual, non-physical power. (By non-physical I mean what motivates or gives life to the physical, such as love, truth, spirit, intelligence, consciousness — or the unhealed, unevolved aspect of it, such as manipulation, lies, fear, avoidance, and so on.) And it takes recognizing where the source of our well-being and survival really comes from, and moving toward a co-creative process with that larger source. This requires letting go of the control.
What is in the way of this is a fundamental power-struggle that humanity is engaged in. And it has to do with us focusing on substitutes for what really matters to us, and building up substitute worlds as a part of this power-struggle. It also keeps us from accessing our real power. (This last paragraph, in particular, is a large subject that I only have just touched on.)
To learn more about the “Life is Meant to Work: Prepare Yourself for a New Reality” 12-week Tele-seminar, click here.
“Do you believe that we, as humanity, are moving forward? Or do you believe we are going backwards. What makes you believe what you believe about this?
As we are approaching 2012 and as we keep getting ecologically more out of whack, and the weather gets more freaky, and as the global economy keeps being on shaky ground, and as unemployment is still high, and as terrorists seem to get increasingly more sophisticated and hard to control — many people believe we are going backwards, and feel increasingly more hopeless. Now is the time to get conscious about how we are feeling about all of this. It is time to take a good look at what this all means and where we are heading.”
Response from Scott Grace: “My answer is we are moving forward, and there is a reaction to progress that is extremely fearful by many who want things to stay in the dark. The more many of us expand, the more some folks contract.
And with the internet and all the ways people exchange information, the darkness and greed that has always been there is getting exposed, reported about, brought to the light. So it only seems that things are getting worse. The truth is, the bad stuff is getting exposed and revealed so it can be healed. We are evolving! Yes there is hope.”
Response from Mark Moran: “It seems the moral decline in my opinion is in the hands of the current media and dishonest politicians. The apathetic consumers that don’t boycott bad books, film, etc. are equally to blame. A positive higher ground is the path to pursue tempered with reason. Are we going backward? I have asked myself that same question over and over… “
This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.
(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)
Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.
Question is from Jered in Mission Valley (real names are never used)
Jered: Recently I’ve had useful (?) feedback on business projects. This person’s viewpoint is that the glass is always half-empty. It’s a challenge to hear rain on the parade. Yet sometimes this ‘braking’ action leads me to other – less enthusiastic perspectives.
It seems to me this goes back to the core about limited decisions*. Maybe you can comment on how these negative people have a balancing effect?
Jane: I gather that this person is calling to your attention possible pitfalls to the business projects you presented him with, which may cause the projects to fail.
Here are some thoughts, from the perspective that you might have a limiting decision* that is blocking the success of your business projects: Let’s say you have a limiting decision* — for example perhaps something like “No one wants what you really have to offer.” The way it works is, once the limiting decision is made, the unconscious mind becomes invested in proving the limiting decision is true. In other words, people manifest into their lives whatever the limiting decisions are that they have made. In this case, the result might be that the way you conceive of possible business projects causes potential buyers not to be attracted to them.
People often create emotional defense systems for the purpose of buffering the pain of their limiting decisions, or compensating for them. So in this case, perhaps you tend to create an overly rosy picture of your projects to compensate for really believing that no one wants what you have to offer. And this defense system keeps you from functioning in reality.
Then this person that you have described, comes along who doesn’t follow the social norms of being polite and tactful, and being positive about your project — basically coming across to you as being negative — and he’s not giving you the expected feedback you are pushing for that overlooks the reality of what you are actually presenting him with. So this man’s behavior then punctures your emotional defense system, and you feel as though he is “raining on your parade.”
If, instead of having a knee jerk negative response to his input, you can step back and investigate whatever might be true in what he is presenting to you — beyond whatever distortions he might be bringing to the table — then yes, I agree that you can gain some positive and useful insights as a result of this.
* Limiting decisions: Unconscious decisions, usually made before the age of 6 or 7, such as “I am bad,” “I am not good enough.” “People can’t be trusted.” They are always some form of deciding that life doesn’t work, and usually that there is something inherently wrong with you.
This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.
(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)
Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.
Below is a response Fellow Healer in New York had to a previous “Ask Jane” Q & A. For the original Ask Jane Q & A with Sally that this response is about, click here.
Fellow Healer in New York: YES.. and integrity means wholeness with self …watching the game may just be more in Integrity for this man, then following a promise he in retrospect will prob. not make again!
Jane: Being in integrity with himself is not about the action Sally’s husband (I’m calling Jake) decides to take one way or the other. It’s the process by which he gets there. People often take a stand on one particular action in order to feel in integrity with themselves, in order to hold some kind of boundary. But they only need to do that if there is an unhealed issue that results, for example, in them tending to give up their needs for the sake of the other person’s needs, if they don’t rigidly take this kind of stand. And so doing it that way is a part of an emotional defense system that ends up causing a separation with the other person in order to feel you can have your own needs met. This is the kind of dynamic that often occurs in relationships in which people believe it’s not possible to both be in integrity with yourself, and also be vulnerably and intimately connected to the other person.
The only way around that is to engage in dialog and be willing to explore your own unhealed issues (limiting decisions*), which requires letting go of control, rather than taking control, and results in transformation.
Jake had agreed to go to the event with Sally. But when he realized there was a crucial football game on TV that was really important to him that conflicted with him going to this event, his knee jerk emotional response was feeling forced to go to the event with Sally or she would probably get really upset. And so he emotionally rebelled by blurting out that he wasn’t going, before he could get his conscious mind around what he was doing. So basically his knee jerk response causes a separation, believing this to be the only way he could get to do what he really wanted to do. This is based on the very common belief that if we stay connected in reality with each other when there appears to be conflicting desires, there won’t be a solution. In other words that it’s not possible for life to work out well for all concerned. So Jake caused a separation because he believed that there inherently was a separation between his desires and Sally’s. It feels far less painful to cause a separation from an invulnerable, defended place, then to feel at the mercy of there inherently being a separation between himself and the person he loves, when he’s coming from a vulnerable place. And that is because if that would turn out to be true, it would be evidence that life doesn’t work.
But the truth is — the only thing that could create this situation not to work out well for all concerned are the limiting decisions* each person brings to the table, that causes each to respond from a defended place, rather than being open to a solution.
As it turned out, after they discussed the situation, a friend of Sally’s came to town and Sally asked her to go with her, which worked out well. What was keeping Sally stuck in having bad feelings toward Jake was a limiting decision* in her.
* Limiting Decisions: Unconscious decisions, usually made before the age of 6 or 7, such as “I am bad,” “I am not good enough.” “People can’t be trusted.” They are always some form of deciding that life doesn’t work, and usually that there is something inherently wrong with you.
By the non-physical world, I am referring to the reality that is beyond what is discernable to our physical senses. Examples are emotions, passion, intention, motivation, focus, love, intelligence, life force, inspiration. Those of you who don’t believe in God, or spirituality, or the soul, or anything beyond this lifetime, obviously are nonetheless aware of the presence of these. At a certain point they begin to merge into what others of us would consider spirituality. And the delineation between them as non-physical versus spiritual is difficult to define.
Just because they are not accessible by our physical senses directly does not make them less real to us. Our physical senses are aware of expressions of the non-physical, through physical vehicles, such as musical instruments or voices that can express, for example, inspiration, love, yearning, and so on. There is an internal feeling sense that responds to the non-physical essence or energy or vibration, or however we describe it, that can be extraordinarily powerful. Whether we experience it as non-physical or spiritual perhaps depends on how high its vibration is. For me, when I’m in a state that feels connected to the Divine, it’s a blissful, inspired feeling that feels like I’m vibrating at a high frequency.
What I mean by spirituality, is central to an understanding of the larger Source I often refer to. By Larger Source, I mean the overall umbrella that everything that exists is encompassed by and originates from. I don’t generally use the word “God” because it connotes a personification of spiritual source that I don’t think is accurate. I generally use the words “the Divine” instead. I refer to the Divine as a very high vibration that can be present anywhere in anything in living creation. I sometimes use “Divine” as an adjective, such as “Divine Truth” to indicate a larger than human perspective. Other words I use to describe the essence of the larger source are: Principle, Life, Truth, Love, Mind, Soul, Spirit, and Intelligence.
When we make the distinction between an individual person’s intelligence or ability to love — and the sense of intelligence or love as something in and of itself, we begin to understand it as a force beyond human control — just as we might recognize truth as a force beyond the physical experience, cutting through confusion, lies, and smoke screens. Because these are root concepts, the only way to really understand what they are is through direct experience. They have power in and of themselves, and the power they have can move nations, they can change people’s whole paradigm of reality. They come from a source larger than human experience, and therefore supersede our individual consciousness. They move us beyond our physical experience and give us a larger perspective. They are the real substance of what matters to the human soul.
This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.
(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)
Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.
From Sally in Solana Beach: My husband agreed to go to an event with me that was important to me. But a few days before the event he realized that an important football game was playing that night, which he hadn’t known about and he blurted out that he wasn’t going to the event because he wanted to stay home and watch the game. I told him that I had thought he was a person of integrity, but because of how he acted I realized that he really isn’t, if he could just blow off his commitment to me like that. He did realize shortly after his response that he hadn’t behaved very well, and suggested we discuss possible solutions. But I am still seeing him as a person without integrity because of how he acted. He obviously didn’t see me as a very high priority. Don’t you think this shows a lack of integrity?
Jane: I’d say, clearly your husband was coming from an emotionally triggered place — at least in his initial response. But it doesn’t mean to me that this shows he is a person basically lacking in integrity.
I think this brings up something important for you to look at in yourself. Leaning on ridged rules, as you seem to be doing, is a way to avoid relating in the moment, where you reveal where you are at, and engage back and forth about what’s really happening, such as “I’m triggered,” “This is how I’m feeling”, “This is really important to me.” If you avoid relating in the moment, you don’t have to be vulnerable, you don’t have to reveal anything, and you don’t have to engage. It’s just, “This is the rule; you follow it or you’re bad.”
And that’s a place that people often fall into in areas in which they have limiting decisions*, because they don’t trust life to work the way it really is. And I’m guessing a significant limiting decision* was triggered in you by this situation, bringing up emotional responses beyond what the situation really called for. For example, the limiting decision* could have to do with you not feeling valued or that there isn’t anyone you can count on. And you’re projecting the pain of the limiting decision* onto your husband, which is why you are being ridged about it, and why you’re drawing a broad generalization about him.
Since — after his initial knee jerk response — your husband was open to discussing this with you to find a solution, it appears to me that he’s not creating an impossibility. But if you take a ridged stand on a judgment about what this means about his character, you have shut the door to a way forward. When you’re really being present — engaging, revealing, and being vulnerable, you don’t need to have ridged rules, because you are interacting in life, and life does work when you’re really participating in it.
So — you recognize that your husband had a dysfunctional response, you look at the limiting decisions being triggered in yourself and in him, and you work through it. A way forward will become clear, when you are really able to be present with each other.
* Limiting Decisions: Unconscious decisions, usually made before the age of 6 or 7, such as “I am bad,” “I am not good enough.” “People can’t be trusted.” They are always some form of deciding that life doesn’t work, and usually that there is something inherently wrong with you.
