This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.
(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)
Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.
Question from Fiona in Oceanside
Fiona: I’m working on forgiving my husband for being emotionally abusive to me. I’m having difficulty doing that.
Jane: The need for forgiving someone comes from having first felt emotions such as anger, hatred or vengefulness toward him. It’s based on the idea that he has wronged you. Forgiveness implies that even though he has wronged you, you’re going to let go of these negative feelings and be either neutral or loving instead.
In this instance, you are still in the same situation with your husband, so the same feelings keep getting brought up in you toward him, which is why you can’t forgive him.
The painful feelings you are feeling as a result of your husband’s way of relating to you are caused by one or more limiting decisions* in you. The limiting decisions* could be something like you are not valuable, or you don’t deserve to be respected, or men are more powerful or more valuable than women, and so on. It is not your husband who you are angry at. It is what he symbolizes that elicits the intense emotional responses in you. And you are most likely symbolizing for him the intense emotions he is reacting to you out of.
Once you have dealt with the limiting decisions* at the bottom of the emotions he brings up in you, you will find there is nothing to forgive. And your relationship with him will probably either change, or you will find no reason to stay in it, as you will no longer be trying to heal the issues in you by getting him to change.
* Limiting decisions are unconscious decisions made before the age of 6 or 7 that are always some form of life is not meant to work and/or there is something inherently wrong with you.
Transcript Excerpts of Jane’s teachings
during Melanie’s NLP TimeLine Therapy Session 7-13-09
(Melanie was saying that when Jane is talking to her in the group, it’s like she’s talking Greek. She can’t take it in at all.)
“The reason this is difficult for you to take in, is you have a whole structure set up about how you interpret reality. And you’re very invested in it, because of the limiting decisions that you’re protecting. And I am dissembling it. I am talking to you and responding to you in a whole different frame-of-reference. And that’s why it’s like Greek to you. I’m not talking the same language, because the language that you’re talking in is holding in place the dysfunctional structure, which is holding in place the pain — lots and lots and lots of pain! It feels to you, probably, that you’re having to give up some kind of control, because this is what’s giving you a sense of power, because you KNOW you’re being a victim. Almost everything you say is in the framework that someone is abusing you, someone is victimizing you. And you’re so invested in it. My definition of a victim is a person who is not taking responsibility for how they are using their power. It’s not possible for anyone to be powerless. It is just a question of how you are using your power. You are using it, with great force, to prove that you are being victimized by other people.
(Melanie is saying this process is really hard for her. She didn’t want to come to the session today.)
“You deserve really great credit for participating in this process because it is so against the structure that you have built. It is a huge shift for you. But the way you’ve been living your life is so painful, it is more painful than the process of shifting it. Otherwise you wouldn’t be willing to do it, because this no doubt feels like jumping off a cliff for you.”
…
“The fact that you believe that letting your real feelings out is dangerous, causes your relationship with people to be distorted, including with your son. So there’s a lot that’s happening that he’s responding to, and it’s not in your conscious awareness — which isn’t to say that he doesn’t have huge limiting decisions himself, and isn’t seeing things in relation to you in a distorted way. But both of you have a lot of unhealed issues coming in, swirling around, messing the whole relationship up.
The defense systems and counter-defense systems, the things that you do to substitute for other things all seem in reality to you because of the limiting decisions. And you probably are not conscious of the machinations and the complicated dance you’re doing to compensate for the limiting decisions. You do it all underground like it doesn’t exist, while you’re trying to do something else. And you’re not aware that what you’re doing is having an effect out in the world. People are responding to it. You think you’re just defending yourself against reality, the way you think reality is, which is distorted because of the limiting decisions.”
What questions do you have?
Send it to “ASK JANE” (Names are changed to protect your privacy.)
Just go to the “Contact Jane” page and ask your question in the contact form.
Below is a comment from a fellow healer in New York about Jane’s response to Susan about healing past trauma’s. For Susan’s original questions and Jane’s response, click here.
To me I would question the point that ‘trauma originates in limiting decisions’. Child abuse and all forms of trauma abuse, kidnapping, rape, soldiers post traumatic stress, holocaust survivors etc. are not decisions. Even though some come through these horrors better than others. Traumas are insane unconscious behaviors of others causing shocking emotional disturbance in others that just plain hurt terribly. Its a wound of heart and soul. So, your answers feel sound to what you teach, but not very empathetic to the terrible hurt people have endured, karma, intrusions and other possibilities. Eventually isn’t it the Holy Spirit, Empathy and love from God heals them, yes? This is what ACIM, 12 step programs and most sound healing methods advocate. At least this is my view. Yours? And possibly, to me at least, if the woman wants to press charges, if that is her truth, why discourage her. I have found making amends and fighting, suing someone when needed, for what is right to be truly wonderful, when it my truth to do, Yes?
Jane’s Response:
Thanks for your response.You are representing a perspective that I’m sure many people share, and needs to be addressed.
Certainly we can empathize with the challenges human beings go through in their personal journeys in life.I’m all in favor of being loving and compassionate, but I believe it to be vitally important what aspect of the self is being supported.Are you supporting the truth of who the person really is, or are you supporting their limiting decisions, i.e. the mistaken idea of there being something inherently wrong with them and/or with the nature of life?
When I relate to Susan — in the immediate example — from a place of love, I am relating to the truth of who she really is.If she is holding in place a limiting decision, which is disempowering her — to the degree she’s doing that, her real self is being blocked from receiving the love.If I send the love to an unhealed issue in her, in the way she has it formed and locked in place, I’m upholding a dysfunctional construction she has of herself.I can compassionately understand and help untangle the dysfunctional structure, which is the construct of the self she has built up — and at the same time hold onto what I can grasp to be the true, empowered God-self I know that she must be. That is what my intention and focus is.
I’m not discouraging Susan from taking empowered action.I’m really not addressing what action she should take at all — although I realize that that was the focus of her question — because I don’t believe the action, in itself, to be the issue; and it shouldn’t be the focus.The action is only important in relation to the underlying impetus that is fueling it.If the impetus is dysfunctional, or serving a distorted or disempowered purpose, then it will probably not turn out well.And of course the same is true in the reverse.
Anything a person does from within a dysfunctional frame-of-reference only increases the reality of it.So if you fight somebody from within that negative frame-of-reference, then you are not healing it.You are just entrenching yourself further into it.
My perspective on what A Course in Miracles says is what enables the Holy Spirit and God (which I think of as a vibration) to heal is that that vibration holds in place the Divine truth of reality, as opposed to the illusion of the human experience in the physical world.
For clarity, I’ll call the person who is perceived as the victim, “the recipient,” and the person who is perceived as causing the trauma to the recipient as the “aggressor.” What causes the real harm in these traumatic events is the recipient taking on the distorted reality of the aggressor, as if the reality the aggressor brings with him/her describes the truth of reality.And from that point on, the recipient lives in that distorted reality.The recipient then carries that horrific reality on with him/her until she/he can break through to the untruth of it, into Divine truth, which is what A Course in Miracles would describe as a miracle.When a person is able to do that it is an amazing personal triumph and evolution of their soul.
What questions do you have?
Send it to “ASK JANE” (Names are changed to protect your privacy.)
Just go to the “Contact Jane” page and ask your question in the contact form.
Below are questions from Susan from Carlsbad, CA:
Q: “I have a question about healing past traumas. I recently recovered a traumatic memory of being kidnapped and assaulted when I was a teenager. The memory was repressed by PTSD and drug induced amnesia. Over a period of 6 months, I recovered my complete memory and now wish to seek justice. Though I feel strongly about prosecuting my kidnapper for a very serious crime, several spiritual counselors have advised me to just focus inward on healing myself. While I don’t think that healing should be solely dependent on a legal outcome, I do believe that taking responsible action is an empowering step in the right direction for healing to take place. What do you think?”
A: “I gather from your question that the reasons you are thinking about prosecuting this person are to help yourself become empowered and to facilitate your healing.So I’m assuming that a significant aspect of what you are wanting to heal is feeling powerless.Whenever you (or anyone) feel you can gain power by taking an action toward another person, you are, in fact, holding in place an underlying feeling of powerlessness and the illusion that they have the power and you don’t, so you have to get it from them.It is not possible for this other person to have disempowered you in the first place.The only thing that can happen is for you (on an emotional level) to give your power away.Regaining it has only to do with your internal process, and nothing to do with that other person.
From the perspective of my work, trauma originates in limiting decisions formed in childhood, when something occurs that you don’t have the conscious tools to make sense of.These decisions — made on an unconscious level — are always some form of deciding there is something inherently wrong with you and/or that life is not meant to work.Limiting decisions are never true.The source of your limiting decisions are inside you, and have nothing to do with anything outside of yourself. (For a complete definition of limiting decisions, click here.)
One of the major ways people cushion themselves from their limiting decisions is through the emotional defense systems they set up (unconsciously) to avoid them.Part of this defense system can be projecting the pain of the limiting decisions onto another person or situation, and then taking action against that external source, which can then give you the illusion of having power and being in control.But this won’t help you regain your real power.It will just reinforce the mistaken idea that the problem is the enemy outside yourself that you need to conquer to win back your power, which in fact you never really lost in the first place.”
(After a further communication from Susan)
“My advice does not have to do with me telling you what I think you should do.If your motive is, as you said in your recent communication, “about revealing information which could be used to prevent this particular group from continuing to harm others,” I see no objections to that.If it has more to do with your own healing and empowerment, then my advice has to do with where I believe your focus should be.”
(Names of participants are changed to protect their privacy.)
(To Jocelyn) “The defense system that keeps your investment in being a victim in place, affects everything you do, because your unconscious mind is in charge and is invested in proving that you’re a victim.What we have to get to is what is motivating you to want to be in a victim position. That’s where you are using your power.You are very strong, but you are using your strength to keep yourself in a victim position, so it’s confusing.I think the challenge for you is the issue of getting attention.To get attention in a powerful way means you have to reveal where you are.And I know that’s one of your defense systems to not do that.You have great insights, you see a lot, you’re aware of a lot.But I don’t know how much of what you are aware of, you actually reveal.The way you get attention is by being a victim.You frequently talk about all of the various things in your life that you are a victim of. And it’s comfortable for you, rather than being out there expressing your actual responses to people and situations, which would be much more relating from a place of power.”
(To Janet) “The only reason a person isn’t getting what they need is if they have a limiting decision blocking the channel for receiving what it is they need.That means, by definition, that no one can give it to them, because they have the channel closed.If they didn’t have the channel closed, they wouldn’t be needy.So the issue is not to keep pouring things at them, but to facilitate the opening of the channel, if they are interested in opening up the channel. If they’re not, then that’s what they’re creating.
Often when a person has the channel closed for receiving what they really want (and this may be the case with Donna), they have certain things that are symbolic of receiving love or whatever it is they’re wanting to have.And so they try to control other people to give them these symbolic things.And they feel satisfied only if they get it in a certain way.‘It has to look like this. You have to do it this way or that way.’And the other person feels they’re being controlled, because it is, in fact, a controlling mechanism because it doesn’t have to do with real love, or whatever the desire is, because they’re closed to that.They can’t really receive it.”
(Name is changed to protect participant’s privacy.)
To Jocelyn:
“What I’m suggesting is a step further for you.You’ve witnessed yourself putting yourself in a powerless position (which Jocelyn had just described).Now I’m asking you to start becoming conscious of how you are using your power rather than making yourself powerless.
The point is a person who identifies him/herself as a victim, is never a victim in reality. A victim is someone who is not taking responsibility for how they are using their power.They are never powerless.The story is that you are powerless, and that people or circumstances are controlling you.But the truth is you use being a victim and martyr to control everybody else around you.You are using this so you get to be late, to stop people from asking more of you, to get people to feel sorry for you…You could probably make a long list of all of the different things you are sacrificing your power for.What is the outcome?How is you putting yourself in a victim position affecting every person who either experiences you do this, or hears about you doing this?What is it enabling you to not do?What is it enabling you to feel about yourself?What are you getting other people to feel about you?What you’re doing is having repercussions.It would probably be very helpful for you to start becoming conscious of exactly what those repercussions are, what effect you are causing by doing that.This is where your power is, and your power is locked up there, rather than what would really do you some good.
The main point here is that in the events you described, you were using your power very actively.There is nothing powerless about you.You are out there every day, every moment, being in your power.And what I’m trying to get you to do is start getting conscious of how you are using it.You are having an effect, and on an unconscious level you know you are having an effect, and you are doing it on purpose to have an effect, and the question is for you to start getting conscious of the effect you’re having.
(Jocelyn is said she’s not able to take this in.Her mind keeps skipping over what Jane is saying.)I can see that this would be head spinning for a person who identifies themselves as a victim and powerless.To start seeing where you are using your power is a contradiction in terms, from where you are standing.It would feel crazy-making because of how you are identifying yourself.”
