Transformational Teachings from Counselor Jane Ilene Cohen

This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.

(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)

Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.

Q & A: “What do I need in order to be happy?”

To read the previous Q & A’s about William and Terry, go to the “William & Terry” Category in the left bar.

We’ve been following the life drama between William and his wife, Terry, from the perspective of William, who is a client of mine.  The relationship had nosedived a number of months ago, when Terry went into a deep depression and started relating to William in an increasingly more controlling and infantile manner, becoming completely dependent on him and unable to function in life on her own.  This resulted in Terry (at the advice of her therapist) entering into a month-long residential program, which she just recently came back from.  From William’s perspective, the attributes in Terry that have always made the relationship difficult for him have taken over, leaving none of what attracted him to her in the first place.   He has been struggling with what his responsibilities are toward her and how to cope with this situation, which has brought up major emotional triggers in him, sometimes resulting in him losing his temper and being hateful toward her, and often resulting in him feeling deeply unhappy.  During this process William has been having weekly TimeLine sessions with me in which we have been clearing the limiting decisions* that have been brought up in him by this situation.

The implicit question from William has been: “How can I stand this situation?”

But the real question now emerging is: “What do I need in order to truly be happy?”

Jane: It’s impossible to tell how something is supposed to end up being.  It could have been (which is what you hoped for) that Terry is somehow going to get significantly better, and things will be alright, and life will go back to the way it was.  Or it could be you end up being so fed up with Terry, because life is so miserable living with her, that you end up leaving her.  But what’s actually happening is you are going through a major personal transformation, bringing yourself increasingly more into your enlightened self-interest*, which doesn’t match either of these obvious outcomes.  The form it’s currently taking is you realizing that you have been avoiding expanding your world beyond your immediate home life because of unhealed issues in you.  But in order to be happy you have to expand your world, so your life is not limited to your relationship with Terry. It is you limiting the scope of your life which is what has been causing you to feel trapped. So right now, you moving toward happiness doesn’t require you leaving Terry.  Following enlightened self-interest* is leading you down a path that we couldn’t have preconceive of.  This shows how irrelevant our preconceptions are about how things are supposed to end up looking.  The challenge is being willing to stand in the confusion and discomfort of the unknown until things become clear, rather than jumping into an immediate solution so you can stop dealing with it.

The solutions in life require staying in reality.  And in order to stay in reality you have to follow what your enlightened self-interest* is.  Limiting decisions* block you from accessing your enlightened self-interest*.  And so when you come up against a brick wall blocking your enlightened self-interest*, you heal the unhealed issue (i.e. clear the limiting decision*) in you, and then a way forward becomes clear.  And as we’ve seen, what is in your enlightened self-interest* generally doesn’t turn out to be what we thought it would be before the limiting decisions* were healed.  And so you then take the next step, and it’s adjusting and changing.  It’s allowing things to unfold as they do.  It’s really quite a marvelous process.

Limiting Decisions*:  Limiting Decisions*: Unconscious decisions made in early childhood, such as “I am stupid,” “I am bad,” “People can’t be trusted.”

Enlightened Self-interest*: That which truly benefits you and connects you with reality, as opposed to selfishness, which is an emotional defense system and separates you from other people and reality. To read more about enlightened self-interest, go to: http://blog.janecohencounseling.com/2010/03/the-importance-of-self-interest/

or

http://blog.janecohencounseling.com/2010/06/how-do-we-know-life-is-actually-for-us-and-not-just-random/ .

This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.

(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)

Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.

This a continued dialog with Jered about the Australian Founder of Wikileaks, Julian Assange, who has been responsible for leaking sensitive secret government information out into the world.

Jered: My concern is the wisdom and consequences of these disclosures since there’s no way Assange read 250,000 sensitive documents.

Jane: What is the purpose of judging the wisdom and consequences of his disclosures?  I guess you’re wondering what the righteous thing to do is.  Should we allow government to keep certain things secret and who should be in control of that? Is that covering up things that should be known by the general population?  But if we don’t keep these things secret, is that causing even more harm?

Focusing on trying to control each other is a losing battle, and if we look out in the world that becomes pretty apparent.  We can’t control the terrorists, we can’t control which political party wins and the laws they end up passing or revoking.  Sometimes things go our way, and sometimes they don’t.  But that’s not the real playing field.  And the shift the world is undergoing right now is increasingly making that clearer.  We have been looking in the wrong direction for solutions. 

Whether Assange’s actions are wise or not is not the issue.  He did what he did, and apparently is going to continue doing it.  You could say he is in a dialog with the world, and the world is in dialog in response.  And how you relate to the dialog will be a learning experience for you.  The dialog itself is what opens up truth.  As I said in the previous post, the issue now is engaging rather than trying to control.  Engaging is where the resources, safety and well-being can be accessed, because it’s hooking into a larger truth, a larger framework beyond any individual person’s control.  It’s participating in life, rather than trying to control it.

This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.

(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)

Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.

William: “My wife has gone off the deep end.  She’s become very anxious, and is not willing to do the things that would help her.  She has become completely reliant on me for everything, and needs constant reassurance.  She is upset if I do anything without her.  I am reaching the end of my rope.  What should I do?  I’m afraid she might harm herself if I don’t do whatever she wants me to do that she feels reassured by.  I only see two choices:  Either go along with her — or don’t and feel responsible for the state she gets into as a result, including that she might harm herself.”

Jane: “The bottom-line is if your life is appearing to not work, there are one or more limiting decisions you have that are distorting your experience of reality.  And when they are cleared, the way you are looking at things will shift and a way forward will become apparent.  The reason you see only those two choices is because the ground you are standing on is limited and structured by limiting decisions that filter in only the information that supports the limiting decisions, and not anything that doesn’t.”

When we discussed it further it turned out that how William was experiencing his wife was virtually identical with how he felt with his mother when he was a child.  His mother was very anxious about life and felt to him to be very unstable.  He felt responsible for her emotional state, and that what he did or didn’t do determined whether she felt OK or not. He thought he had married someone who was strong and the opposite of her, but now it turns out that underneath that apparent strength was someone who was actually very weak, and now he is right in the middle of the very thing he thought he had escaped.

After we cleared the limiting decision “he is responsible for the existence of the woman he’s dependent on,” William said he felt a huge weight had been lifted off of his shoulders.

He was standing on the new ground of realizing that he really didn’t have the power to determine his mother’s well-being and stability, no matter what he did or didn’t do; and so he was also now realizing that about his wife as well.  He realized that he doesn’t have the power to personally solve the problem for his wife, and that nothing he can do will make any difference about it, as the source of it is only in her; and that he’s been enabling her to not find a real solution. And therefore he is no longer feeling hostage to her, or that her life depends on what he does or doesn’t do.

And so, because of this, he realized that there were, in fact, other options than the unacceptable ones he had felt locked in by.  He can now relate compassionately to her, from standing on this new ground, making clear to her what he can and can’t do, and therefore no longer being co-dependent with her.  He had felt imprisoned by his wife’s dysfunction, but what he had really been imprisoned by was his own.

This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.

(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)

Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.

Question is from Jered in Mission Valley (real names are never used)

Jered: Recently I’ve had useful (?) feedback on business projects. This person’s viewpoint is that the glass is always half-empty. It’s a challenge to hear rain on the parade. Yet sometimes this ‘braking’ action leads me to other – less enthusiastic perspectives.

It seems to me this goes back to the core about limited decisions*. Maybe you can comment on how these negative people have a balancing effect?

Jane: I gather that this person is calling to your attention possible pitfalls to the business projects you presented him with, which may cause the projects to fail.

Here are some thoughts, from the perspective that you might have a limiting decision* that is blocking the success of your business projects:  Let’s say you have a limiting decision* — for example perhaps something like “No one wants what you really have to offer.”  The way it works is, once the limiting decision is made, the unconscious mind becomes invested in proving the limiting decision is true.  In other words, people manifest into their lives whatever the limiting decisions are that they have made.  In this case, the result might be that the way you conceive of possible business projects causes potential buyers not to be attracted to them.

People often create emotional defense systems for the purpose of buffering the pain of their limiting decisions, or compensating for them.  So in this case, perhaps you tend to create an overly rosy picture of your projects to compensate for really believing that no one wants what you have to offer.  And this defense system keeps you from functioning in reality.

Then this person that you have described, comes along who doesn’t follow the social norms of being polite and tactful, and being positive about your project — basically coming across to you as being negative — and he’s not giving you the expected feedback you are pushing for that overlooks the reality of what you are actually presenting him with.  So this man’s behavior then punctures your emotional defense system, and you feel as though he is “raining on your parade.”

If, instead of having a knee jerk negative response to his input, you can step back and investigate whatever might be true in what he is presenting to you — beyond whatever distortions he might be bringing to the table — then yes, I agree that you can gain some positive and useful insights as a result of this.

* Limiting decisions: Unconscious decisions, usually made before the age of 6 or 7, such as “I am bad,” “I am not good enough.”  “People can’t be trusted.”  They are always some form of deciding that life doesn’t work, and usually that there is something inherently wrong with you.

Transcript Excerpt of Jane’s Teachings
during the “Shifting into Your New Consciousness” group 7-23-09

(Participants’ names are changed to protect their privacy.)

(Rita told the group she hadn’t been there last week because she had a class she went to on sex.  Melanie said something about thinking Rita went to this class because she wanted to immediately get into another relationship with a man, and that that was more important to her than coming to the group.)

(To Melanie)  “You’re assuming what this class is and the meaning of it for Rita, and then having made the assumption, and without asking her about what it was, you scold her.  You’re so sure that your assumption is accurate, that you don’t stand in the question. This group is about standing in the question.  You reveal your response, and then you find out what’s actually there. You walk into the unknown to a place where you don’t already know the answer, which is extremely important for transformation.

Not allowing yourself to stand in the question and stand in a place where you don’t know — that seems to be one of your largest defense systems.  It is filling in the space, not leaving it open to find out what’s actually there, because in your original family it was very dangerous to allow your mother to take over the situation, because she’d be violent.  So you were filling in the space all of the time to distract her, to make it safe for yourself.  And you’re doing it less now, but that’s still one of your major defense system.  It’s ‘don’t ask a question, don’t stand in the question, don’t leave any space for whatever is really true in the situation.’

Your perspective, as well as Rita’s perspective are both important pieces of the puzzle.  It’s not a matter of one person being right and the other person being wrong.  The piece that you added that was very important, was how important this group is to you, and how important it is to you that everyone else is committed to putting 100% in. Now that adds to the picture.  And it does not conflict with Rita’s perspective and where Rita was coming from that was important for her.  It’s just that there are different pieces of the puzzle that different people bring into the picture, and they’re all important, and they’re all legitimate.

When we get these different inputs from different people looking at the situation different ways, it’s like different facets to a picture. And you put it together and you have a much richer idea, sense of truth. And it doesn’t exclude anybody. And it’s not one person is right and one person is wrong.  It adds another color. It adds another dimension in which not only is there room for everyone, but everyone has an important part to play or important piece of the puzzle.”

(Melanie responded to a group interaction about her response to Rita as if she’s being criticized.)

“This is an example of an inner world that you carry with you and you interpret input that you get from within that world.  So what people were noticing about you is that you were scolding Rita. And so now you think that if anyone has any response to you, they’re scolding you. You were taking what people said as a criticism of you because that’s the world you live in, a world in which people criticize each other, rather than including people as a part of the picture. The way I’m looking at it is it’s all positive.”

Transcript Excerpt of Jane’s Teachings
during the “Shifting into Your New Consciousness” group 7-23-09

(Participants’ names are changed to protect their privacy.)

(Anita said at the beginning of the group that she is feeling lost.  She doesn’t know where she is, and that this is very painful to her.  When Jane asked why that was painful, Anita said you have to know what you’re doing at all times, and that’s how you steer the boat.)

“And that’s in a very specific old paradigm in which there is a very specific way that a responsible human being is supposed to go through this life — what they accomplish, what they’re responsible for, how they act, how they appear to others, their relationship with their job or career. There’s a whole set things, which is a complete construct, and has nothing to do with reality.  It’s what causes people to go into despair in middle age. It’s called mid-life crisis when a person realizes that this whole construct they’ve devoted their life to is meaningless, and has nothing to do with reality.

Being lost is standing in the question. From that place you can find out what’s actually there.  It has nothing to do with this whole scenario that you were just describing, because in that place where you think you know what you are doing — where you are steering the boat based on some construct passed down through the generations, having nothing to do with direct personal experience of life — you never find out truth. It’s a place where nothing meaningful can happen.  You are in a much better place when you feel lost and are standing in the question than having mastery over an old construct.  That’s really lost.

It’s perhaps the guilt or rebellion of feeling as though you have to be doing this old set way of doing things, but not doing it, that keeps you stuck in the power-struggle about it.  That’s my guess, because one thing I’ve been noticing, is that even when you are in a place of pain, maybe especially when you’re in pain, you have an opposite expression on your face.  You look like there’s an inner joke going on.  My guess is that it’s almost like an adolescent rebelling against this external thing you’re supposed to be doing, and you’ll be damned if you will do it.  You’re saying f-u. And that f-u is keeping you stuck.  You don’t trust enough what you really want to do, and standing in the question and really looking and looking at your situation and following your inner guidance.  You don’t trust that.  You think it’s wrong and bad and something to feel guilty about.  You’re always imagining this external voice that you’re supposed to be doing this or that, and you’re rebelling against it, and so you’re stuck.  You can’t go one way or the other with it.

The old concepts and the old paradigms of how reality gets defined, has nothing to do with what’s true. It has to do with people imposing human constructs on their experience.  And it’s people leaning on other people’s constructs to define reality.  And that’s not how reality is defined at all.  Reality has to do with truth, and it has to do with your own personal inner experience.  And when you are out there with your own personal experience, that has a large effect on everyone around you — not because you’re imposing something or making someone be some way.  It is the expression of what’s true.  And what’s true rings true, and is extremely powerful.  As soon as you’re aligned with anything that’s true, it then becomes aligned with a larger reality, and then you are adding to creation.”

Transcript Excerpts of Jane’s Teachings during the
“Shifting into Your New Consciousness” group experience 4/16/09

(Names of participants are changed to protect their privacy.)

(To Janet, in response to her jumping in and asking people rapid questions about themselves, which felt similar to her advice-giving way of relating.)

“The way I work is I’m trying to follow the energy, and let it flow where it’s supposed to flow, and when you do this way of interacting, you’re controlling the energy, which then stops what’s supposed to happen.

(After further discussion Janet started crying and said she doesn’t want to cry because she can’t explain why she’s crying.)

You are down on yourself because you feel you are less logical than people like your husband. And we know you value logic more than emotions. Emotions are heart intelligence, rather than mental intelligence. I know you have made headway with this, but there is still something in there that makes you believe that emotions are not as valuable as logic. And that is not true. Logic and emotions are just different systems for getting knowledge. And it’s been a challenge for you to respect the knowledge that comes from emotional truth. So when you don’t know something — that’s a trigger for you. Apparently you feel it makes you lesser.

I don’t know lots of things. I stand in the question. That’s how I end up knowing things. I walk into the situation, and I know nothing. And so I’m looking, I’m waiting, I’m listening. And then I know something. It just sort of pours in. Being knowledgeable is not about you imposing something on reality. It’s opening the space to allow reality to reveal itself to you. You have to not know first. A Course in Miracles is really big on that, by the way. I know you are studying it. And this is exactly what the issue is here, tonight — that you don’t want to not know. And so you’re trying to fill in the space of what you don’t know as quickly as you possibly can. In doing this you are imposing an ego kind of thing rather than letting the knowledge come in, the awareness, the present moment come in. This is really important. There’s a limiting decision you have against not knowing. It’s some negative decision you have that it’s not OK to not know. Maybe you think it makes you someone who can’t be respected, someone who is not an authority. You think an authority knows, people with power know. But that’s, in fact, not really true. People who are real leaders, who really are true authorities, have inquiring minds, which means they start out not knowing so they can understand what’s really true. If you don’t leave the space open in order to understand what’s really true, but instead impose on the situation your limited human knowledge — what you think you already know — you don’t learn a damn thing, which means you don’t know anything. You actually have the potential — you in particular — have the potential to know a lot because you have an innocent mind. You do start out not knowing, which means you clearly have the potential to know a lot, like an innocent child, but then you undermine this because of the limiting decision.

(To the Group and Janet) Janet emailed me a while back saying she was feeling really depressed in studying an aspect of A Course in Miracles. I think the dynamic we’re talking about applies to what she is depressed about in the Course. When it’s talking about the world being meaningless, it’s talking about the world the ego creates, the false reality. The ego imposes meanings on things (just as I was saying about this dynamic in you that we’re talking about), based on its defense system designed to avoid truth, based on keeping the limiting decision from becoming conscious — because it’s convinced the limiting decision is true. It’s a surface, limited level of knowledge that avoids the heart of the matter. And therefore it never really knows anything. It creates an illusory world that’s meaningless and doesn’t work.

I think what was depressing you is you think the illusion is all there is. But there is actual truth. When you open a space for truth to come in, truth does come in. Limiting decisions are what cause the distortion and blocking of truth. And as you clear limiting decisions, you get more and more truth.

(Renee said she was at Janet’s 50th birthday party in which her father told a story about when Janet was 17 years old she was off by herself crying. And he asked her what was wrong, and Janet said she didn’t know what she wanted to do with her life. And her family at the party laughed at her about it, like a roasting.)

This is a demonstration of the dynamics from which you probably made the limiting decision. In this childhood event, you were allowing yourself to be in a place of not knowing, and feeling deeply about what really mattered to you. You were in the ‘I don’t know’ place. And your father, rather than respecting that and thinking, ‘How deep for a child of 17 to be that engaged, that it matters so much to her about what she wants to be in her life and not knowing’ — instead he was trying to belittle it.

I’m sure Albert Einstein allowed himself to not know. His genius came from allowing a space for inspiration to come in. You have a talent in this direction that you’re blocking by not respecting the place of not knowing and standing in the question. There is some way your mind is extremely open to possibilities that you’re not using in your favor, but using against yourself instead. When you approach something you don’t know, you start feeling uncomfortable about it. So instead of starting with the things you know, start opening up the not knowing and how you feel about it when that comes up.”

Transcript Excerpt of Jane’s Teachings during a
“Shifting into Your New Consciousness” group experience 2/26/09:

(For information on this group click here.)

(Client’s name is changed to protect privacy.)

(To Janet) “In the course of some interaction in the group, something comes up, something is activated. There’s energy happening, there’s possibilities. And we’re opening up to find out what truth is. We don’t know the answer yet, and we’re standing in the question. There is then a possibility of things configuring, or reconfiguring so we can find out something we didn’t know before. It’s an exploring kind of thing. But generally what happens is you jump in and say, “It’s this, this and this,” and fill in the space before truth can come into the picture. For whatever reason, in that point in time, you don’t want to stand in the question because you’re afraid you know what the truth is and you don’t like it, which of course is caused by having a limiting decision. The point for you is to find out, to explore what the discomfort is that you are trying to avoid.”