Transformational Teachings from Counselor Jane Ilene Cohen

This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.

(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)

Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.

This is a question from Molly, from San Diego, CA.

Molly: I have a very good friend.  She has a habit of laughing all the time.  It gets on my nerves because it is so constant and it is inappropriate many times. If something in my life happens that is very unpleasant, let’s say, she will laugh. Sometimes I simply say, “Suzi, that’s not funny.” Others have told me it is irritating to them, also. Because of this “laughing at inappropriate” times I find I can’t be around her very much which is too bad because we have fun.  It’s not that she is unaware of it, because I do call it to her attention when I can’t stand it anymore.  Is there anything else I can do other than have less time around her?

Jane: The first thing for you is to take responsibility for the fact that you are feeling emotionally triggered by her laughing — i.e. you’re having a large emotional response that feels outside your control.  When people have a triggered emotional response it generally means that some area of pain that they already have, caused by a limiting decision*, has been activated by what has just happened.  People then project that pain onto whatever has activated it, as if that person or situation is the source of their pain rather than the limiting decision* (a negative decision about yourself made in early childhood).  It is important for you to get to what the limiting decision* is, because as long as you are projecting your pain onto her, you can’t relate objectively to her about this issue.  Observe what the feelings are that come up in you when she does this.  Maybe you feel not taken seriously, or not listened to, or not respected ….  These are limiting decisions*.  When people make a limiting decision* the unconscious mind becomes invested in proving that it is true, and so is always looking for excuses that will prove this.  It will help if you recognize that those feelings are already in you, and that your response to her is your unconscious mind trying to prove that your limiting decision is true.

Or another approach is to reveal to her how you are responding, with the idea of exploring what is going on emotionally for both of you.  That depends on how open both of you are to exploring your emotional issues and how vulnerable you want to be with each other.

Know that her response of laughing at inappropriate times is an emotional defense system (not who she is as a person), which is covering over deeper emotions that she hasn’t been dealing with.  It could be she laughs when she feels nervous, as many people do.  Or she may laugh when something feels too painful to her.  Your emotional response to her may be the catalyst she needs to start addressing this, if the relationship between you is important enough to both of you, to allow this emotional discomfort to push both of you toward your own transformation.  The question then becomes, what is most important to you in this relationship — feeling good in the moment with her (which has run up against a snag), or approaching it from the perspective of personal growth, which could lead to a deeper more satisfying relationship.

* For a more in-depth explanation of limiting decisions, click here.

This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series, in which you are invited to send questions of concern to you to Jane.

(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)

Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.

Question from Sue in San Diego and Jane’s Responses

Sue: I met an absolutely wonderful guy a few weeks ago, conscious, aware, very honoring of women and humans for that matter, very loving and we had an instant deep connection. In recent emails he has been describing at length a difficult situation for him. I have found that the way he talks about it over and over to be negative and just compounds the situation by repeating all the details. I wrote a very kind, loving and sensitive email (at least I thought so!) suggesting that I’m open to hearing about HIM and his feelings, but that perhaps dwelling on the situation and basically telling a story again and again is not conducive to seeing it change and certainly not a very conscious practice, and that in the future could he refrain from doing that.  I simultaneously told him that I care for him and want to support him and hoped that he would understand.

His usual emails have come to an abrupt halt, he simply responded with an ok, and I have not heard from him again. I suppose I should just let it go at this point, I feel very sad if my request alienated or offended him and if he decides not to speak to me anymore, as I thought there was potential for a beautiful partnership. I’m wondering now if it was appropriate to say anything to begin with and may have seemed judgmental of his experience. This may be showing me a side of him that doesn’t want to be accountable.

Jane:  What I would say is similar to what I said to Judy in the last “Ask Jane” email in that the issue is staying in your own territory.  Even though you took pains to be kind, loving and sensitive, it was in his territory, basically trying to fix him rather than reveal your own vulnerability in the situation.  This makes the relating lopsided, with him having the problem.  This could easily end up in him feeling judged.  (Although, that wouldn’t have caused him to stop communicating with you if it wasn’t triggering a significant unhealed issue in him.)  Staying in your own territory would mean revealing to him how his communication affected you, how you felt when you were reading it.  A judgmental frame-of-reference gets set up when you are not putting yourself equally in the picture, but instead coming from an outside, detached perspective.  When you do that you are putting up emotional walls.  Also, when you say “This may be showing me a side of him that doesn’t want to be accountable,” my question to you is accountable to who?

Sue:  That makes complete sense, though I see it a little differently in terms of trying to “fix”  him…I just don’t want to hear people’s stories, but I am beginning to learn that that is what some people do and it’s up to me whether or not I want that around me.  Bringing it into my own territory is really helpful, thanks so much!

Jane:  It’s not so much that you have to decide whether or not you want that around you.  That’s a frame-of-reference in which there is no dialogue, no contact.  It’s that you have to get the courage to reveal your responses.  Basically, it’s about actually relating to the other person.  There is a world of difference between revealing your responses — and judging or giving advice.  Revealing your responses makes you emotionally vulnerable, and I’m guessing that is hard for you to do.  It may be hard for you to let someone know how you are being affected by them, from a non-defended place.  It’s like letting them in on your experience, which takes trust.  But that letting go of control, actually, is what can allow love in.

This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series, in which you are invited to send questions of concern to you to Jane.

(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)

Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.

Question from Judy in San Diego

I have had this friend for about 15 years.  When we first met,  it was instant and mutual connection.  There were many times that I felt as though she treated me with disrespect, yet she called me her “best friend” and always said to her friends, “I love Judy.”  … She also had other sweet qualities, and for those reasons, I would forgive her over and over.  Then finally, a time came when I had her stay with me for her to recuperate from a temporary mental illness.  …  She stayed in the living room and it was a total mess with her things strewn all over, and she made NO attempt to straighten it up, even when I asked her…she would just say ok, and would make no attempt to help me out.  I finally got that she was always this way with me and that I was co-dependent with her…that I was just as responsible as I enabled her selfishness, self-centeredness, and even her bad manners for all of these years.   In the past, whenever I confronted her she would be very defensive and self-righteousness, and would not take a look at her actions.

At this point, I want to discontinue our friendship as it is and always has been.  And my question is:  what is the most effective way to deal with this?

Jane’s Response:

In relationships, people often try to compromise themselves or change the other person in order to make things work between them.  And when that doesn’t work and they get fed up enough, they just cut the relationship off, rather than be in an actual dialogue with the person.  A real dialogue means you get clear where you really are in relation to the other person and communicate that to them, without trying to pressure them to be different.  You stand in your own territory, not theirs.  And then they can respond with where they are at, and then you give your response, describing where you now are really at.  And in this way, you find out if there is any way forward between you, or not.  True dialogue is letting go of the control and trusting what is really true to work out in the best interest of all concerned.

So I would suggest you explain to your friend how you feel, what is and what isn’t acceptable to you, without trying to pressure her to behave differently.  You could say that although you care about her very much, you are not willing to continue a relationship with her if she acts in these specific ways.  And then the ball is in her court.  And if she isn’t willing or able to act differently, then that’s where she’s at.  The difference here from what it appears you have already done is this is standing firmly in your own territory, and from there relating to your friend based on what is or isn’t acceptable to you.  So it is a process of standing on and trusting what is true, rather than trying to make something what it is not.  And, at the same time, it is not closing the door until it really is closed.  This is difficult for many people, because leaving space for the other person’s response to where you really are at requires standing in the present moment of the emotional unknown, where people are often afraid things are impossible.  This is where people’s limiting decisions can kick in, bringing up deep seated negative beliefs about yourself or the nature of relationships.  But avoiding the present moment with the other person makes a real relationship not possible.

Transcript Excerpts of Jane’s Teaching
during a Shifting into Your New Consciousness Group 3/12/09

(Names are changed to protect participant’s privacy.)

(To Randy in relation to his wife) “You’ve gotten yourself to a place where you’re not reactive to her, but you’re still being controlled by her, because you’re now motivated to do the opposite of what she tells you. If you feel resistance, she’s still the frame-of-reference out of which you are responding.

(Randy was saying that he feels fed up with the relationship. He doesn’t want to live like this any more, and is ready to leave.) The issue here is about dialogue. When people finally come to the point where they can no longer deny how they really feel, they often just decide to leave, which is not giving anything a chance to actually work. What happens before this is the person tries to compromise and please the other person, and tries to change their insides so that the relationship can work, all of the while believing inside that it’s impossible. And eventually they get fed up, and no longer can continue to live the lie anymore. But rather than talk about the truth of their experience, they just leave. Speaking the truth may end the relationship, and it may not. But the most respectful thing you can do toward another person is to be truthful with them. And it can’t make anything worse. (In your case you may not want to do it verbally, because you may not want to get into an emotional entanglement. So you may want to communicate this in written form.) Now this is where letting the Divine come in, comes in. You reveal the truth, feeling certain that you know what the outcome is going to be. But it may not. At least you’ve put your cards on the table, where you really are at. Until you do that there is no chance for anything to work. And that puts the ball in her court, and hopefully she’ll allow herself to sit on it for a while, rather than just giving an immediate response. And you might even request that of her. And then see what happens.

It could be a back and forth, and there could be a lot of emotional stuff happening, but if you wait a while, then it gives the real stuff a chance to bubble up. Most people have no idea what real dialogue is, and are really afraid to allow it to happen. Allowing dialogue to happen is really trusting in truth. And if you put out there how you really feel and she throws it back at you, and that’s the final thing she does, then that’s her part in the dialogue. For every step you take, rather than take it from a reactive place, just keep listening to your insides, and then put where you are out there, and then you wait for her response, and you stay centered. Then she gives her response. And then you feel inside what your response is, and then you give your response. Basically, what you’re learning to do is to lean on your own insides and your connection with something larger. And then however it turns out, it will be a step forward for you. And it will probably give her something one way or another. If you’re giving truthful responses, it’s a gift, whether the other person acknowledges that or not.”