Transformational Teachings from Counselor Jane Ilene Cohen

Transcript Excerpts of Jane’s Teachings
during the “Shifting into Your New Consciousness” Group Experience 4-30-09

(Participants’ names have been changed to protect their privacy.)

(To the Group) “Once we penetrate past the defensive response — which happens in the group when other people become aware of your defense system — then what comes up is your limiting decision, which is a negative and mistaken decision against yourself and the nature of life. It’s the limiting decision that you have been trying to avoid and cover over by the defense system. And when this decision against yourself starts getting exposed, and you find out that people’s response to the undefended you is radically different and more positive than you thought it would be, it’s very transformational. This enables you to come into the present moment. And then you can be a channel. Then the divine can flow through you.”

Transcript Excerpts of Jane’s Teaching during the
“Shifting into Your New Consciousness” group experience 4/23/09
(Participants’ names have been changed to protect their privacy.)

(Randy said that Renee says these really pointed things to people, and then does a lot of talking to cover it over and soften it up.)

(To Renee) “You often do say things that are zingers. And then it’s probably accurate that you do the softening part. Last week something really important came up about you, assuming that it was accurate. You were talking about feeling you don’t fit in, and feeling inappropriate. And I was saying the common denominator that connects people is love, that you don’t have to be the same as someone else in order to connect with them. All you have to do is connect with love.

And then you said you didn’t know what love is and didn’t feel connected to love. This was an eye-opener about you that was very honest of you, and seemed very important. It struck me as probably true, and that there’s some way you are deeply and fundamentally disconnected. And it’s possible that when you say things about people, because there’s this disconnection, it could come out in a very harsh way, if you don’t soften it. And perhaps there’s anger there, which is why it comes across so harshly.

In order to turn this thing around, you’ve got to get to where you are in the first place. I need to understand on a deeper level what this is all about. I’m just beginning to understand this thing, and I don’t totally get it yet. And it’s really, really courageous of you to reveal it in the first place.

The point here is to just allow yourself to be inappropriate. It’s not the end of the world. We need to get to the truth before we can untangle it to get to the healed place. If Renee just comes out with it straight, she has some really zinging comments that could be very stinging right at the heart of something. And she might be really inappropriate and the other person might feel really hurt. This is what she’s afraid of. And she’s been trying to soften it. And this is stuck right there. We’ve got to unstick it. Renee is afraid she is some horrible monster. Well it will not end up being that. You’re dealing probably with a lot of anger. But you have been glossing it over so much that we don’t know it’s anger, so it never gets released. If you reveal it for what it is, so we can get to the bottom of it, it never means you are a hideous monster. It never means that. It simply means that there are some things twisted around so they are not flowing the way they are meant to flow. And you’ve had such a lid on yourself that it can’t get untangled. It means you can’t get to the love. It’s getting in the way of love.

The purpose here is not so Renee will say things that hurt other people, but for her to reveal how she internally responds in order to untangle whatever this is. As always, when we get to the very bottommost truth, you will find it is positive. It is love, whether you feel connected with love or not. That is the truth underneath there.

Transcript Excerpts of Jane’s Teachings during the
“Shifting into Your New Consciousness” group experience 4/16/09

(Names of participants are changed to protect their privacy.)

How Change Works

(To Anita) “This has to do with how change occurs. What frequently happens is I work really hard to get someone to see what the issue is, and then immediately they want me to tell them what the solution is so they can get rid of it without having acknowledged the truth of it in the first place. But the solution doesn’t necessarily come immediately. The unconscious mind has got to grasp it, and has got to acknowledge it, and really sit in the truth of what it is before the next step gets revealed. And so with you and Aaron, that has been the challenge. Just getting both of you to a place where you really get what we’re talking about is a huge step in itself.”

About Emotional Defense Systems

(The immediate issue with Anita is she won’t allow herself to be seen where she is. She keeps deflecting the focus by appearing to be talking about one thing, but jumps from one thought to another in a way that doesn’t actually get anywhere, so it’s impossible to follow her. Anita said she caught herself doing this jumping around during the week. Jane asked Anita what were the circumstances in which she caught herself doing that. Anita said she doesn’t remember.)

The fact that you don’t remember what it is, I think is part of the defense system. A defense system is different than a limiting decision. It’s the tactic your unconscious mind has developed to protect the limiting decision from becoming conscious.

The defense system we’re currently talking about, that you and Aaron use, is to run others around the block by twisting logic. If people try to follow what you are saying when it gets any where near the defended issue for you, they get crossed-eyed as they’re trying to follow it. People lose track, they can’t figure out what you’re saying. So they figure there must be something wrong with them. But it is actually impossible to follow, because the intention of the defense system is to make it impossible. (Anita said she was sorry.) Oh, it’s totally not something you’re doing on purpose. No one here blames you for it. People’s defense systems are tricky. They are extremely good at defending what they’re trying to defend. And it’s on a very intuitive and unconscious level, like slipping in between the radar. I suggest the next time you get an awareness of doing that, you immediately write it down, and start helping yourself get conscious of what you are doing.”

—

(Aaron said he used the wrong words last week when he was describing his experience, when he said people had called him a liar.)

“Here we’re seeing your defense system right as it’s happening. You saying that people called you a liar, was not a mistake. It was a very good thing you said it because it revealed the truth of how you actually responded to what was said. It wasn’t accurate. People didn’t call you a liar. But you revealed that that’s how you experienced it. So we don’t want you to now get a better mask and cover over the fact that that’s how you actually responded by using a more “appropriate” word. We finally got some truth there, that you felt people were calling you a liar. There is a lot of other emotional material underneath that, but the important thing is you revealed an aspect of yourself. The point I wanted to make sure we keep conscious, from what I got last week in relation to you, is about the whole issue of you crying, and whether it was genuine or not. It appears the underlying issue about this has to do with it being important to you to connect with the group (i.e. other people). But since you haven’t really acknowledged that it is true that this is important to you, then everything gets confused from that point on.

(Aaron said he does want to connect with the group, but he doesn’t know how.) What I’m saying to you is not about knowing how to do it. The first step is to truly acknowledge that that’s what you want. And there must be some really strong defense system in there against acknowledging it, causing you to do all of these manipulative things to try to make this connection without admitting it, which ended up in you appearing disingenuous, which then is what people respond to. So admitting connecting with the group is important to you, is where you need to start.”

Transcript Excerpts of Jane’s Teachings during a
“Shifting into Your New Consciousness” group experience 4-9-09

(Participants’ names are changed to protect their privacy.)

(Earlier several group members had the response that Aaron’s crying was not genuine, but instead a ploy to appear to be engaging with the group. And then later when asked how he perceived others as responding to him, Aaron, making reference to that, said four people said he was a liar.)

(To Aaron) “People were questioning whether you were being genuine or not. And several people felt you were not. If we traced that back to what you were actually feeling, and then back to that you did what you did because you were wanting to connect with the group. And now we have to trace it back to do you even admit you want to connect with the group? How could that whole chain of things work out if you don’t admit the basis of it, that this is even something that’s important to you? And then when people were saying that they didn’t believe you, you then felt angry or hurt, which you weren’t really admitting. It all traces back to the beginning, which is admitting you actually want to connect with the group. And if you don’t have that clear than all of the rest of it gets messed up.

(To Group) But I also don’t think that people really got that this is something that Aaron is not doing on purpose. It’s something more that he’s trying to understand how to be human, you could say. There’s something that he’s really disconnected from and doesn’t know how it works. I don’t think that people have been really appreciating the difficulty that he’s grappling with in this area, which now, because it’s come out, people understand much more, because now you (Aaron) have aired and revealed more than you have before, which enables people to connect with where you are really at. And rather than judging you when people find out information about you (which is what you’re afraid of), you find that people actually are compassionate because they really understand where you are at.

(Jocelyn was saying that on the few occasions when Aaron relates in an undefended way, it is really wonderful.) When you are actually visible, being really who you are, it is so much more valuable to others than the defense systems you put up. The feedback you are getting is when you really get that these bright spots where you actually show up — people really, really love them, they really get it, they feel connected to you. Eventually, hopefully, it will get through to you that that’s where the real juice is.”

(In further addressing how he thinks others in the group view him, Aaron said he thinks people view him as too intelligent and then walls get put up. When questioned about who was putting up the walls, he said he was.)

What you do is you twist logic. And I know you’re nodding, but it’s confusing to people, because they think you’re agreeing with them when you’re nodding, but I know that you’re not necessarily. The thing you said about you being too intelligent and that that puts up walls, there was a twist of logic there that couldn’t be followed logically. I think you put it that way because you know you’re supposed to be taking responsibility for yourself rather than blaming others, such as saying others are putting up walls against you because you are too intelligent for them. You putting it in terms of you being ‘too intelligent,’ doesn’t imply that you have a defense system. It means you are too wonderful, too fantastic, and that people can’t take how fantastic you are. And then you’re saying, in relation to that, you are putting up walls. But what does you being super intelligent have to do with you putting up walls? Nothing. What I’ve said before is that people use their strength as part of their defense system. And no doubt you use your intelligence as part of your defense system. But that doesn’t mean you are too intelligent. Everyone in this group is very intelligent. You’re not too intelligent for this group. That right there goes along with the defense system that you’ve been putting out all along, from the very beginning, that you’re superior and you know everything. You see yourself as too intelligent, and therefore causing a problem with other people. You being too intelligent is not what’s causing a problem. You using your intelligence, to put up defense systems that run people around the block, is what is causing a problem. You see the difference there?

You have a lot of investment in feeling that you are intelligent. And at the same time we’re talking about a whole area of life in which you don’t seem to know the first ABC’s about, which is the reason why I asked (and also Cherrie asked) if you really got this, and why I wanted to make sure that when you’re nodding you really mean yes, because I know that you nod sometimes when you don’t mean yes. So then when you said that you did, and Cherrie asked you again, then you felt as though she was questioning your intelligence. But we’re in an area in which your intelligence isn’t doing you any good.”

—

(To Anita, in response to something she said.) “You use logic similarly to Aaron. You seem to be making sense, but no one can possibly follow what you’re saying, because it doesn’t actually make sense. The fact that you didn’t like who you were, or what you did in the past, has nothing to do with the fact that people can’t get to where you are right now. And it may very well have to do with feeling misunderstood, which you have brought up before. It appears that you’re afraid if you get seen where you are at, people will misunderstand you, therefore you don’t let people see where you are at; and therefore they’ll have to misunderstand you. There’s some twisting of logic that you do, that makes it impossible for anyone to get to where you are at. But as I was saying before if people are misunderstanding you, it’s because you’re doing something that causes them to misunderstand you. And that’s what we’re trying to get at. You have a very active intuitive mind, similar to Aaron’s. It takes a great deal of intuitive ability to be able to get through the camouflage you’re throwing up right and left that twists and turns it around. When people can’t follow you, they most likely figure, ‘She must be making sense, and I just can’t follow her,’ which is what I first thought.

(Anita ask what the solution is, without actually admitting what Jane was describing was happening.)

The first thing I do, whether it’s in an NLP TimeLine session or here in the group, is I make it really clear what the dysfunction is, which then of course the person wants to get rid of as quickly as she can, so she doesn’t have to feel the discomfort of being there. But it’s a huge feat to get to that clarity in the first place, particularly when the defense system is as defended as yours and Aaron’s. And then the person has to really acknowledge that that’s where she is at. And she’d rather go to the third step, where it gets cleared, before she takes the second step, because she doesn’t want to be there experiencing that feeling of where she is at.

So for you, you don’t like to be pinned down to where you are, and just to let yourself be there and stay with it, and sit with it. Again it’s similar to Aaron. It’s taken us quite a while to pin Aaron down to where he is actually at. And it’s much easier now. You should have seen what we went through before. He uses all of his intelligence for his defense system, and it’s just a masterful thing. To get him to acknowledge any truth was a complete feat. His defense system was so active, that to just consistently get him to acknowledge what is really going on was the process that needed to happen for him first, so we could get some kind of a handle on it. And it may be similar for you, because you tend to jump around so much and not let yourself get pinned down. And I don’t think you really see that yet.

I think part of the confusion is you really try extremely hard to do the right thing and to move yourself forward, but you’re defeating yourself in some way. You’re trying to stop yourself from being yourself. It seems to me, that you are undermining yourself so you can never find out where you are actually at, which makes it really difficult to move forward. It’s like you’re second guessing yourself and trying to make yourself be where you think you should be by following the rules, rather than recognizing where you are, and moving from there.

(Anita: I don’t know what the rules are.) Yes you do. You know that you’re supposed to think positively, think about what you want in your life, rather than dwell on the negative of where you are. You’ve got a whole philosophy that you’re living by, and you’re working really hard with that to get yourself to a better place. But you are using it as a defense system that’s undermining you, rather than helping you. You’re trying so hard to follow the rules that it’s actually getting in the way of you being present to where you actually are. Leaning on the rules, to you, is being safe, because you think you won’t be judged against if you do. It’s how you know if you’re being good or not. So it is upsetting to you when the rules are no longer at play, or when the situation shifts to a different frame-of-reference.

This group is about transcending the rules. That was what was happening when you started getting really confused about what I was doing, because I set certain parameters when we began the go-around, and I followed them to some degree. But I am coming from an inner guidance place, a place of following energy that I am always listening to. And I can change the guidelines on a dime if it’s no longer serving a deeper purpose. This can then bring up people’s defense systems, and the real living material underneath that, which is what enables transformation to take place.”

—

(To Randy) “If I puncture someone’s defense system, then the real material starts coming out. That’s what happened last time with Jocelyn. It happened previously with Janet. And it’s happening with Aaron. The person relates, hiding behind by his defense system, thinking that he is protected from the painful, limiting decision against himself underneath it. [For a comprehensive definition of 'limiting decisions,' click here.] The whole point of the defense system is so no one can reveal the limiting decision. When I puncture the defense system, the limiting decision has no place to hide, and so it comes out so that the whole group can be aware of it. The fear is that your negative decision against yourself (or the nature of life) is actually true. But the response that you’re expecting to get, which would confirm your limiting decision, doesn’t happen, because limiting decisions are never in reality.

I can push things to this level because I know that reality is totally positive. The real stuff underneath always turns out to be positive. I know that’s true, and I think that’s what you need to learn too. You were afraid of what would happen in the group when we started releasing the real emotional material underneath people’s defense systems, because the real emotional material was all hidden and repressed in your family when you were a child. And now as an adult, you are in a marriage in which this emotional material violently explodes. But neither of those scenarios represents the real nature of functional emotional expression. This group is demonstrating the truth that when you get underneath the defense system to reveal the limiting decision (i.e. what you mistakenly believe to be true about the nature of life), you can then understand that the limiting decision is not true. And this is very transformational.”

Transcript Excerpts of Jane’s Teachings during a
“Shifting into Your New Consciousness” group experience 4-9-09

(Participants’ names are changed to protect their privacy.)

(This is in response to an exercise Jane started the group out tonight with, in which each person said how they thought others perceived them or responded to them. And then group members would give their actual responses. Several people said what did it matter what others thought of them.)

“What often comes up in this group is the issue ‘Who is defining reality for you?’. People, in general, often let other people define reality for them. And that’s the issue that you seem to be referring to. But I’m taking about something different. I’m talking about letting input from other people give you information, not in order for them to define reality for you, but for you to learn more about yourself from your own perspective. If a person does have issues about letting other people define reality for them, it’ll probably get triggered by an exercise like this. So even from that point-of-view that can be therapeutic. Things that you think people are going to have a negative response to, you may find out they don’t have the kind of response you thought they would have. Or you might get feedback on something you didn’t realize was an issue.

(In response to a question someone asked.) You’re acting as though someone’s defining truth for you, because you’re basically asking, ‘If this person has a response to someone, and this other person has a different impression — than where’s truth?’ But everybody is just giving their piece in the puzzle about different facets of the same situation. Although, it’s also possible one person might be more on the mark than another person might be. But as more information comes in, the picture becomes clearer.”

Transcript Excerpt of Jane’s Teachings during a
“Shifting into Your New Consciousness” group experience 2/19/09:

(For information on this group click here.)

(Participant’s name is changed to protect privacy.)

(To Aaron) “We’re getting to what the limiting decisions are. Limiting decisions are, by definition, a mistaken idea, where you’ve got things wrong. And this thing about being wrong is really a major trigger for you. And so when we start zeroing in on a limiting decision, it brings you off of what feels to you like solid ground. To you being an expert, knowing everything, being on top, being successful, being all of that stuff is absolutely essential from your point of view. If you start feeling as though you don’t have it right, and you don’t know how to get it right, you keep maneuvering to make it seem like you do. If you are not able to reword it so that you can be in that position, then you attack. And the limiting decision itself is probably something like there is something wrong with you. So I’m uncovering the defense system, which you’ve leaned on to prove that you are perfect, always right. And underneath the defense system is the painful feeling of the limiting decision that, on an unconscious level, you believe to be true.

So, the person makes the limiting decision, which is always some form of that there’s something wrong with them. And it’s very painful, so most people don’t want to be conscious of it. So, for instance, a person who makes the limiting decision that they’re stupid, usually does one of two things. Either they purposefully act stupid, so that since they are doing it on purpose, they never find out whether it’s true or not. Or they are an overachiever and get very defensive if anyone should even hint that they might not know everything. But the point is that they avoid the present moment so they never find out what the truth is, because they’re afraid of what it is. So if someone comes into this group with their defense system, and I point it out or somehow dismantle it so it no longer works in the group, then they feel the painful feeling of whatever the limiting decision is. But then we can get down to the real truth of it. And I don’t feel hesitant to do that because I know that the real truth is that the limiting decision cannot possibly be true. It never is true. So if we can get past the defense system into the reality of what is happening, then we can get to the truth, which then can dissolve the false decision.

I’m talking about an energetic place we’re trying to get you into, a place of vulnerability. It’s not about getting facts right. In getting facts right, you can go into a place of mastery that you feel comfortable in. The problem is the mode that you get into when you feel that you know something. What we’re trying to get you into is being in a particular vulnerable state, which is where a person can actually access you. As long as you can wrap your mind around it, and be masterful, that seems to be when we lose you, because that takes you out of that vulnerable, undefended place.

I think men tend to lean on invulnerable logic, as if that gives them some mastery, rather than being in a place where you just allow things to be what they are — a more organic place where you are feeling things, you are experiencing things, and the black and white mastery is not so important. Being present and in the feeling, growing, learning, evolving, transforming is more of a female thing. If you are just in the experience of something, then it’s an ever changing thing, and it’s not a place in which you can be right. It’s where you are in the experience, rather than mastering the experience. The kind of false mastery I’m talking about is the human substitute for the Divine, the province of the alternate self. It’s limiting things to what you can grasp, rather than being a part of something that is larger than what you can grasp. But you (Aaron) keep yourself at a distance and in an unengaged place. The mastery keeps you unengaged, in order to feel in control. The fear when a person doesn’t have control, is of whatever is really true. People are generally afraid of what is true, because they’re afraid that the limiting decision is what is true, or some form of that life is not meant to work. That’s why people try to control things all over the place. They don’t want to come down into what’s true.”

Transcript Excerpt of Jane’s Insights during a
“Shifting into Your New Consciousness” group experience 2/26/09:

(For information on this group click here.)

Aaron: (Aaron was revealing that he doesn’t let other people get close to him.) “Well, if that’s true, how can you say your life is going so well?” (Then Aaron said, well he can choose to be happy.) “I think that that is a very big misuse of that tool. The way it works is that when there is a limiting decision (which is some form of ‘life is not meant to work’), the person then just takes what they can get as if that’s the best they can do. So rather than putting yourself in the position to make a change, you’re covering it over, you’re whitewashing it. You’re brainwashing yourself, because there is a limiting decision in there which means that you don’t think the real thing is possible. It appears you’ve created an alternative world, as the world you choose to live in because you don’t think you can have the satisfaction you want in the real world. That is a devastating thing for you. So it is not a good use of the tool to choose your state. It is a way of pushing you farther and farther away from the actual reality where life can work. If you build an alternative world, you are insuring that your life will not work. You are insuring that you will have a mask, a false persona. And then your intention is to be famous or well-know, based on the false persona. And then you wonder why you can’t get yourself to do it. It would be very frightening to be out there in such untruth. If you were a basically shallow person who is really completely invested in being not who you are, and just wanted the glory and money, etc., you might be able to pull it off. But thank God it is so against your real nature, what really matters to you, that you can’t pull it off, because you know it’s not true. It would be complete hypocrisy for you. There’s a part of you that knows you could be knocked down in a second because you’re not really supporting that, and so people can see through it.”

Transcript Excerpt of Jane’s Teachings during a
“Shifting into Your New Consciousness” group experience 2/26/09

(For information about this group click here.)

(Participants’ names are changed to protect privacy.)

(To Aaron) “You apparently interpreted what I was saying as you have to be different right now. And you set up that expectation because you said that you don’t want to put on that false bravado any more, and that you were going to just stop doing it. And I asked you if you could, and you said you believed you could. You’re setting up a pretty large expectation for yourself — as we’ve been struggling with you for a long time over this — but you’re saying, ‘Well, I can just turn it off.’ And then two seconds later, and I’m not even sure how to logically follow what happened, but you jumped from there into a pissed state, like I’m somehow pressuring you to be further than you can be, and you’re defending yourself by saying you can’t do that, or it’s an unrealistic thing. Now there’s some real craziness in here that makes that leap really easily if there’s any pressure put on you. No one is asking you to be where you’re not. We’re just asking you to acknowledge where you are. And acknowledging where you are would be like, ‘Here I am in the midst of the false bravado, I’m doing it. I can’t stop it in the moment, but that’s what I’m doing.’ That would be great. That would be an amazing step if you could do that.

(Janet is saying, in relation to Aaron, she likes to be able to read someone’s face, otherwise she’ll imagine the worst.) This is another example of you (Janet) allowing someone outside of yourself to define reality for you. So the more you can expose this, the better – ‘Now I am imagining that Aaron is judging me. I feel like a total idiot.’ This is what is really going on inside of you. But Aaron is just providing the blank screen for you to project on. So while you (Aaron) are still in the place where you are at, the most important thing for you is to get it out in the open. If you can’t be vulnerable, if you can’t be really present, then let’s be open about that, because that’s where you’re at. Everything that’s true can be worked with. The thing that is difficult is when that is hidden as well. And that’s what drives people nuts. But if you show where you actually are, that’s a really good thing. But it’s also a big trigger place for you because you believe that where you’re really at, being not perfect, is completely not acceptable. But that’s not the case. It is perfect the way it is. And so we have a bunch of people projecting on you because of their fears about what reality is. So let’s talk about all of it. So you (Janet) talk about, ‘OK, I must be an idiot,’ or whatever your internal dialogue is. You (Aaron) are now getting feedback that when you don’t say where you are really at, people are projecting on you all of the time. It makes people uncomfortable. And you probably have not realized that. You just think you are getting yourself out of the way so you can be a clear channel. That’s not what happens, because people can sense that you’re withholding. If you were really a clear channel, it wouldn’t make people uncomfortable. Since people can feel the withholding, they think there must be something wrong.

Both of you (Janet and Jocelyn) were saying you don’t feel safe in a group with Aaron. Well that could be devastating for Aaron, feeling that where he really is is a detriment to the group. But that is not the truth. There is a place for all of it as we come into focusing on what’s really true. There’s nobody and nothing that is out of place here, as long as we’re getting to truth. So what’s really important to happen is for both of you to give Aaron that feedback, which is very important and valuable to him — and for you to reveal what is triggered in you, because the discomfort in you is a trigger, a projection. Aaron can’t do anything to you. What we’re creating in this group, is pushing you guys through your defense systems. So we’re pushing Aaron out of his defense system, where he can experience the truth when he is not defended. That’s very transformational. What is happening now (for Aaron), is that you feel that the only way you are acceptable is if you are perfect. Well this group is representing to you a completely different reality, that this being ‘perfect’ is what is unacceptable, because it is not real. And that when you reveal where you really are, that’s what draws people close to you. So the group represents a different reality, and as we push people out of the defense structures, that can shift your experience of reality. That’s the point.”