(Participant’s name is changed to protect her privacy.)

(During a discussion Melanie was saying she never learned how to respond with her vulnerable emotions.)

(To Melanie) “If you were not blocking being affected by someone’s vulnerable emotions, and having your own vulnerable emotions respond, you would naturally respond with your emotions.  It’s not something you have to learn how to do.  You are actively, on an unconscious level, blocking it.  If you weren’t blocking it, it would happen.

I’m not saying you’re bad or wrong.  I’m helping you get a sense of something that could cause an amazing transformation, that would allow you to have intimate, emotional relationships with men and women.  I gather that relationships with people is very important to you.  And so this is a process for you to get so you can actually do that.  So rather than seeing this as you’re bad or you’re wrong, it is that you revealed where you are at, and I’m working with you to push you beyond that, so we can get you to the other side.  You are too identified with your defense system as your value.  And that is leaving behind your real value.  I’m moving past your defense systems to the gold that is you, underneath the defense systems.  That’s what I’m after.  I’m not after making you feel bad or wrong.  I’m after the real you that’s hiding behind the defense system.  The problem is the defense systems keep you from evolving as a soul. And so as your desire to evolve as a soul gets stronger and stronger, the defense system gets more and more in the way, and so it gives you more and more impetus to get through the defense system.  And getting through the defense system can feel like jumping off a cliff.

And on top of that there’s a large evolutionary force at play, other than each of our individual lives.  This world is shifting, with the whole economic turmoil and whatever else may be raining down.  People cannot remain comfortable in their defense systems any more.  It’s time for major, major change.  So if it’s not going to come internally, it’s going to come externally, because things have to shift and change, and so that’s part of what’s happening.  People’s defense systems, even the really effective ones, are not going to continue to work.  That’s a big shock for a lot of people.  And a lot of people who have gotten away with feeling very normal as they are following all of the different rules — having their stocks in the stock market, and all of the different things you’re supposed to do to do well in the world.  For a safe citizen following all of the rules, it’s a huge shock when those institutions are falling apart, because they’re having to make changes.  And you could say people who have been struggling all of this time are not having as much difficulty as people who haven’t been, and now have to start changing.”

“A way of producing change is through relating in a group situation, in which you are out in the open about how you’re really responding to things, and then you find out whether your experience is in reality or not.  People’s emotional defense systems are not fun for anybody else.  In a group, people’s defense systems usually irritate other people — either someone may be talking on and on, or flooding the airwaves with excuses.  People might be feeling bored when the person is talking, feeling it’s going nowhere. If you’re really honest about how you’re responding, generally something comes up in relation to the person’s defense system.  And if people have the courage to reveal how they’re responding, then it intercepts the defense system.  And you can have someone get really upset because someone has interrupted them, or someone has stopped them from doing this usual thing they do that makes them feel good about themselves or makes them feel accepted, or makes them feel whatever that is. Several people here have experienced that.  And the defense systems cover over the limiting decisions*.  And then the limiting decision* comes up, which is what you’re afraid is true.  And so when the defense system is penetrated, and the limiting decision* comes up, then you are present in the here-and-now with the limiting decision*, which is what people spend their life trying to avoid, because they are sure that it is true.  But when it gets brought up in the little community of the group, you find out that it’s not true.  So it’s a way of coming into direct contact with reality, beyond your limiting decisions*.

The group is a different kind of social situation, in which instead of people going along with your defense systems or skirting around them, they are putting in the picture their own experience, which means the defense systems are no longer ruling.  Out in the world people’s defense systems are ruling.  They are basically creating cushions around themselves, where they are non-verbally saying ‘Don’t say this to me.  Don’t look at me that way.  Don’t talk about this subject.’  And people more or less go along with it because they don’t want conflict.  Out in the world, it doesn’t often work well to butt up against someone’s defense system, because there’s no way to deal with it.”

* For an explanation of limiting decisions, click here.

(Client’s name is change to protect his identity.)

“Your whole concept of groups is you have to be other than them.  Whatever the group is, you’re going to be other than that.  So you’re always in the position of not fitting in, for some purpose.  Perhaps it’s that you don’t want to have your identify taken over by the group mentality.  You don’t seem to have the idea that you as yourself, can be a part of the transformation in the group. The way groups facilitate transformation is when each person that comes into the group is there with their authentic self expressing what matters to them, in the moment, in the context of what is happening in that moment in time, which takes a lot of courage.  A group is valuable only as far as it’s a transformational process, which means that every input of every person participating, wherever they are at that moment, which can keep changing, is a part of the continual transformation of the group.  That’s what makes it so exciting. It has a very, very creative potential.  It must feel as though you have to somehow give up yourself, or you have to somehow lose your identity. But if you do that, it defeats the whole purpose of a transformational group.

When you were in the group you were making a point of people knowing how different you are.  The conclusions that you jump to are from the perspective of you being so different.  It is defining life for you in a very narrow way.  You’re creating separations way, way, more than there really is.

So whatever your response is, negative or whatever, you give your response, and then other people are responding to your response. And if everybody stays in the present moment with where they are at, and allowing themselves to be connected with or affected by what happens, the whole process goes deeper, bringing out truths that have been hidden, and bringing the experience into a larger context beyond the distortions of the unhealed issues.”

(Participants’ names are changed to protect their privacy.)

(To Laura) “You have an energetic sense of what you’re trying to accomplish and it gives you a particular feeling that you’re after. And the same thing for you (Melanie).  (To Laura) If you can get your point across, then you feel you’ve accomplished something.  But what you’re trying to accomplish is not actually going to benefit you.  And the same thing when you’re (Melanie) getting your point across, when you’re saying, ‘She did this, and she did that.’  You’re just venting when you’re doing that, and so you are not getting to what would really benefit you.  You think what would benefit you is if you have a certain feeling sense that the group is paying attention to you, or supporting your view of things.  So there’s an energetic goal of feeling a certain way, and then that becomes symbolic for you getting something. But it is not the real thing.  So when a person makes a limiting decision*, such as they’re not lovable, or they’re not valuable, or they’re not acceptable, they develop a defense system that symbolizes to them being loved, accepted, etc.  So if they can get people to respond certain ways, that means to them that they’re acceptable, or that means to them that the person loves them.  Basically they do things to get a certain kind of response from people that symbolizes the thing that they made the limiting decision* that they can’t have.  So it’s a substitute for the real thing, and doesn’t get anywhere. It’s like treading water.

And I think you (Barry) do something similar.  You start talking and I can just see your whole expression shift, you’re energy shifts.  And then you’re on a roll.  The last time you were saying you were trying to feel accepted, and I think that was right on the mark, and so I think there must be a limiting decision* something along the lines that you’re not accepted. So you do a number of different things that will symbolize to you that you are accepted. But since it’s not the real thing, but a part of a defense system, people feel manipulated.  So that’s the point for all three of you.  When you’re functioning from that defense system, it feels to other people a manipulation, and it is.  It’s not on purpose.  It’s an unconscious thing. But emotional defense systems always are manipulations.  People are manipulating each other right and left.  This group is meant to uncover that kind of thing, because that’s treading water.  It’s not really helping you.

And often when I stop a person from doing it, then what it triggers for them is the real limiting decision* underneath it.  That’s when people tend to freak out when they’re stopped from doing that thing.  Then they feel not accepted, or not valued, or not loved, or not respected. That’s what typically will come up, and so then there’s potential for transformation.  As long as you get away with the defense system, as long as no one interrupts it, then everything feels fine.  As long as Melanie can do that kind of thing and people go along with it, she doesn’t notice anything.  And as long as you (Laura) can do this story telling and no one interrupts it, you feel that everything is fine — and the same thing with Barry — because the energy feels like a fix.”

(To Laura in response to her wanting everyone in the group to have a fixed time allotment.) “Because this group is dealing with the live energy, I can’t follow a format of 15 minutes for each person, going around the circle, and where you get to talk about whatever you want to talk about.  That would be dead and it wouldn’t get anywhere, because this is about what is really happening in the present moment.  So if you’re droning on and boring everyone to death, or if you’re completely avoiding the point, then that’s going to come up. And if you don’t have anything to say, than you can’t just say something just to fill in your allotted time.  You can’t just talk for the sake of talking.”

* For an explanation of limiting decisions, click here.

(Client’s name is changed to protect her privacy.)

(Melanie says she never gets a chance to say her side of things.)

“What to you is getting it all out, is putting out a whole barrage.  It’s basically dumping your emotions.  It’s not giving information.  It actually covers over information.

When I gave you a chance at the end and you said a bunch of things. It was not really giving information. It was pounding something through.  It’s occupying the space so that you can’t hear any feedback. It’s like holding in place a whole frame-of-reference that you’re sure is true and not allowing a space to actually find out what is true.  So I’m sitting here ready to sort things out, but you’re insisting ‘This is the way it is.  This is the way it is.  Isn’t she terrible, and she’s doing this, this and this to me.’

This is a defense system of yours.  But even though I’m pointing it out, I’m not saying you’re bad or wrong.  This is information.  So none of it, from my point of view, is judging you.  It’s just that a lot of important therapeutic stuff is coming out.  So the job for you is to hang in there, and not let your emotions get the better of you, because there are some deep-seated things (and were getting closer and closer to getting them out) that are causing you to see the world, or other people, or significant other peoples as against you. And you have this big defense system defending yourself against it.  And in order for me to come in there and sort it all out, I have to get through your defense system.”

“The emotional defense system defends against a limiting decision*.  Now a limiting decision* is some devastating negative belief about yourself or the nature of life (such as a decision you are not loved, respected, accepted, intelligent, safe, etc.).  So the purpose of the defense system is to avoid the here-and-now truth, because of the fear that the here-and-now truth is going to somehow be negative and against you.  But you can’t learn in that state, or really relate to another person, because you’re defending against being in the present moment.  That’s what the defense system does. So it’s hard on other people because, for instance, if you’re talking a blue streak and nobody else can get a word in it’s not in alignment with the life flow.  So people get bored or they get angry because they can feel that the energy is stuck or distorted.  It affects people around you because it doesn’t leave a space for whatever is potential in that moment to happen.

People hold on to their defense systems to various degrees depending upon how vital they feel to them.  And it can be hard to penetrate through someone’s defense system if they’re really identified with it and really holding on to it.  But the defense system is holding in place an impossibility.  It is hiding the gold that is the person.  It’s keeping people away from loving you.  It’s keeping the amazing self that’s underneath defended walls from being known, and from being loved, and from being connected with.  And so when that defense system is penetrated through, then the painful limiting decision* comes up, which you think is true.  And if you can hold the space and sit there, which is what I was trying to get you to do, and just be there with the reality of what is really true, you find out that people do not respond to the real you the way you were afraid they would.  And they do not have the response that the limiting decision* is true, because it never is true. So when we get through the defense system, we unearth the limiting decision* and get to the real self.  And it’s very transformational because you find out the way you thought the reality was, is not that way at all.  The reason I can go into this apparently negative material, is because I know what’s underneath it is always positive.  Love is at the bottom of it.”

* For an explanation of limiting decisions, click here.

(Melanie was saying that when Jane is talking to her in the group, it’s like she’s talking Greek.  She can’t take it in at all.)

“The reason this is difficult for you to take in, is you have a whole structure set up about how you interpret reality.  And you’re very invested in it, because of the limiting decisions that you’re protecting.  And I am dissembling it.  I am talking to you and responding to you in a whole different frame-of-reference.  And that’s why it’s like Greek to you.  I’m not talking the same language, because the language that you’re talking in is holding in place the dysfunctional structure, which is holding in place the pain — lots and lots and lots of pain!  It feels to you, probably, that you’re having to give up some kind of control, because this is what’s giving you a sense of power, because you KNOW you’re being a victim.  Almost everything you say is in the framework that someone is abusing you, someone is victimizing you.  And you’re so invested in it.  My definition of a victim is a person who is not taking responsibility for how they are using their power.  It’s not possible for anyone to be powerless.  It is just a question of how you are using your power.  You are using it, with great force, to prove that you are being victimized by other people.

(Melanie is saying this process is really hard for her.  She didn’t want to come to the session today.)

“You deserve really great credit for participating in this process because it is so against the structure that you have built.  It is a huge shift for you.  But the way you’ve been living your life is so painful, it is more painful than the process of shifting it. Otherwise you wouldn’t be willing to do it, because this no doubt feels like jumping off a cliff for you.”

…

“The fact that you believe that letting your real feelings out is dangerous, causes your relationship with people to be distorted, including with your son.  So there’s a lot that’s happening that he’s responding to, and it’s not in your conscious awareness — which isn’t to say that he doesn’t have huge limiting decisions himself, and isn’t seeing things in relation to you in a distorted way. But both of you have a lot of unhealed issues coming in, swirling around, messing the whole relationship up.

The defense systems and counter-defense systems, the things that you do to substitute for other things all seem in reality to you because of the limiting decisions. And you probably are not conscious of the machinations and the complicated dance you’re doing to compensate for the limiting decisions.  You do it all underground like it doesn’t exist, while you’re trying to do something else.  And you’re not aware that what you’re doing is having an effect out in the world.  People are responding to it.  You think you’re just defending yourself against reality, the way you think reality is, which is distorted because of the limiting decisions.”

(Participants’ names are change to protect their privacy.)

“It’s great to have people that keep coming back, because they keep making progress and they raise the level of the group. A major purpose, here in this group, is to come into the present moment and explore what’s true. The frame-of-reference supports truth, and it supports each of your real selves.

When someone new comes in and they’re hiding behind a false persona (for example), the people in the group want your real self, and they’ll keep inquiring until they get to it. That’s basically what happens because people are getting accustomed to truth. And so if you hear someone who’s taking around in circles, someone is likely to say something about it.

So with people here you’re going to get feedback that is not a part of your old pattern, so you’re likely to find out something that you probably didn’t already know. Which isn’t to say that it’s all going to feel ‘positive.’ People can often be triggered, and I encourage everyone to reveal when you’re triggered, because the whole idea in the group is to let the real stuff come up and then explore it deeper and deeper until we get to the truth underneath it. As long as you stay engaged, and as long as you’re trying to find truth, we’ll get to the positive truth that is at the bottom of the thing.”

(Clients’ names are changed to protect their privacy)

(To Anita) “The push for you in this group is to let go of holding in place not letting anybody see where you’re at. We’re pretty good at seeing where people are at, whether they want us to or not. And so despite yourself people see where you are, more than you want them to see. And I think the big turning point for you is when you realize that hiding yourself keeps people from loving you. I think that is a huge reframe for you. HUGE. Because you think you are keeping yourself from being hated, disliked, attacked — something negative. You think you’re protecting yourself from that. But what I see is that you are preventing people from loving you, because people in their right minds, when they actually access another person, the only sane response is love. And you are a loving person, and when you let little bits and pieces of that loving person out, when it gets by you, the love shows. As soon as that started surfacing, you started shifting. I know that’s had a huge effect on you. I think the problem is, just like every other limiting decision, people are afraid of finding out what the truth is, because it feels like going into the unknown, but they are really certain they know what it is and it’s negative. And so when you have experiences in this group of people really seeing where you are at, and having a different response to you, a true response to you, outside of that negative frame-of-reference you have created, that is — and will continue to be even more, as it comes out — very transformative.”

(Participants’ names have been changed to protect their privacy.)

To Anita: … “I think you often think when you blurt something it’s a mistake, whereas what you’re really doing is revealing something about yourself, which you probably try not to do. Sometimes you are trying to reveal something about yourself, but other times you are trying to cover your tracks, as if you haven’t done it the right way. This thing you have about doing it right is a big issue for you, and it’s a big misunderstanding of what this process is. It’s come up before. It has to do with you thinking that who you are is not OK. But whatever you do is fine, because the transformational process is about revealing deeper levels of where you are at. What really makes this group work at a top level is when people are revealing on deeper and deeper levels what’s really going on inside of themselves. It’s not about being appropriate, because being appropriate isn’t revealing where you really are. If you wait until you can do it ‘right,’ then nothing real happens, and there’s is no possibility for transformation.

This is similar to the process we’ve been having with Janet, who has this idea about a persona that will make other people respect her, and not get too close to where she’s really at, so she doesn’t have to engage too much about where she really is because her real self may show. And then people may have judgments about it. But what keeps coming up for Janet is when she’s out there with that real her, that she can’t hide, that real self is full of life. That real self contains the nugget of the gold that is her. And you can see “the essence of Janet,” and we feel deprived when we don’t get it. And when we get, instead, her very clipped, logical, factual information-tank persona, we feel deprived of her, because the real her, that she’s been trying to skirt around, is amazing.”

(Anita said something about an interaction she had had, and Janet asked her a question about it. Anita rebuffed it.)

(To Anita) “My take on this is that what Janet said to you was an invitation to you to go deeper, to what was underneath that initial interaction. But your first response when people approach you is someone is criticizing and judging you. You think, “OK she’s judging me. We’re done.” And the group isn’t about that. It’s about transformation. It’s about going deeper. And if someone does get offended, then we go deeper into that because there is something underneath that. What’s underneath the defense systems, and the judgments, and the criticisms, and whatever happens to come up — it is all glorious because it is all living material. And underneath it is always something positive. But you don’t yet know that.”

…

“Renee is saying that she feels very triggered by something you said, fully knowing that she is not leaving. She is saying it, but she is still engaged. And there really is no danger in reality. The only danger is if you jump off of the merry-go-round, which is live interaction. But if you stick in there and you stay communicating and interacting and you go deeper, then you get beyond the defense system, which is not about reality. Then you can find out the positive truth underneath the surface of what’s going on. But if you disconnect yourself because of your fears, then you end up being stuck wherever you’re stuck. You don’t go deeper into getting to the positive territory. So the issue is really understanding that there is a bottommost positive truth. When you explore things underneath the defense systems, that’s what you find. Most people do not believe that. That’s the problem. Most people don’t believe that life is meant to work. They don’t believe that what’s really true between people, underneath their defense systems, is love. But the fact that this is true makes it safe to go deeper and deeper, because that’s what you’ll end up finding. And in the more than 13 years of doing this work, I’ve always found that to be true.

What I’m seeing right now is that you won’t let anyone love you. You won’t let anybody near to where you really are at, so that they can find out who you are and love you. That’s the result of this defense system. As soon as anyone shows any interest in seeing who you really are, where you’re really at — anytime someone shows curiosity or interest toward you, which would then allow them the chance to know you, and then to love you — you take it as a negative thing and push them away.”

(Anita said she doesn’t know where Janet is coming from.)

“It’s true you don’t know where she is coming from. You don’t know where any person who is being truthful is going to be coming from. And where they’re going to be coming from may trigger you. So the issue of safety is not about real safety, it’s about whether you get triggered or not. That’s what you’re concerned about, and the trigger for you is that you’re not safe. But it has nothing to do with actual safety. It has to do with your fears being brought up. What you’re afraid of has to do with you being seen where you are at. And there is a limiting decision there, and if you would allow yourself to be seen, eventually you would get to a place where you will discover that the truth about you is not what you are afraid that it is. People do accept the real you and they are not going to crucify it. But it takes some going into this deeper place and allowing the process to happen, so that you, for one second, stop defending the real you so you can find out that people love you.”

(Janet asked how does her blocking the real connection between her and other people relate to her needing to be liked.)

“If you were really allowing a connection to occur, you probably wouldn’t need to have that symbolism of people liking you. That’s what you do instead, because when you do that it’s a substitute for a real connection. I think this thing that came up between you and Renee is extremely important for you. And you keep on blocking out what the actual issue is. The actual issue means the difference between whether you actually will connect with someone or you won’t. And that’s where the bottom line is, that’s where the defense system is. That’s where you’re blocking the connection, right at that point. And that’s what I saw happening between you and Renee. This was very symbolic for you. Right at this point of you having forgotten something, and emotionally you couldn’t be present with Renee to admit that you forgot, and just stand in that and apologize. If you had said, ‘I’m really sorry. I forgot. I feel really terrible,’ that would have been connecting with her, being affected on a heart level. But you just skipped out and made an excuse — and you were gone. And it was hard and impersonal, and it was breaking the connection. So there’s a potential for a real heart connection there that you were breaking off because you weren’t appearing perfect. But the being imperfect — as people are — and revealing it, and relating in relation to that, actually builds deeper connection. If you mixed it up and allowed your emotions to come out and admitted that you messed up and that you felt bad, then you’d be emotionally available and there would be actual contact. And that would be much better, ultimately, than if you had remembered, and everything had gone smoothly, in the first place.

We’re talking about the mechanism that keeps people separated from each other, keeps real emotional bonds from happen. Now we’re down to the nitty gritty. That’s what people want — to be able to really connect with other people. And that’s the major human defense system — to keep oneself separated. That is just it. That’s where it is at. Are you going to be able to really heart-connect, really be together with other people? Or can’t you — or won’t you?”