This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.
(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)
Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.
Q & A: “What do I need in order to be happy?”
To read the previous Q & A’s about William and Terry, go to the “William & Terry” Category in the left bar.
We’ve been following the life drama between William and his wife, Terry, from the perspective of William, who is a client of mine. The relationship had nosedived a number of months ago, when Terry went into a deep depression and started relating to William in an increasingly more controlling and infantile manner, becoming completely dependent on him and unable to function in life on her own. This resulted in Terry (at the advice of her therapist) entering into a month-long residential program, which she just recently came back from. From William’s perspective, the attributes in Terry that have always made the relationship difficult for him have taken over, leaving none of what attracted him to her in the first place. He has been struggling with what his responsibilities are toward her and how to cope with this situation, which has brought up major emotional triggers in him, sometimes resulting in him losing his temper and being hateful toward her, and often resulting in him feeling deeply unhappy. During this process William has been having weekly TimeLine sessions with me in which we have been clearing the limiting decisions* that have been brought up in him by this situation.
The implicit question from William has been: “How can I stand this situation?”
But the real question now emerging is: “What do I need in order to truly be happy?”
Jane: It’s impossible to tell how something is supposed to end up being. It could have been (which is what you hoped for) that Terry is somehow going to get significantly better, and things will be alright, and life will go back to the way it was. Or it could be you end up being so fed up with Terry, because life is so miserable living with her, that you end up leaving her. But what’s actually happening is you are going through a major personal transformation, bringing yourself increasingly more into your enlightened self-interest*, which doesn’t match either of these obvious outcomes. The form it’s currently taking is you realizing that you have been avoiding expanding your world beyond your immediate home life because of unhealed issues in you. But in order to be happy you have to expand your world, so your life is not limited to your relationship with Terry. It is you limiting the scope of your life which is what has been causing you to feel trapped. So right now, you moving toward happiness doesn’t require you leaving Terry. Following enlightened self-interest* is leading you down a path that we couldn’t have preconceive of. This shows how irrelevant our preconceptions are about how things are supposed to end up looking. The challenge is being willing to stand in the confusion and discomfort of the unknown until things become clear, rather than jumping into an immediate solution so you can stop dealing with it.
The solutions in life require staying in reality. And in order to stay in reality you have to follow what your enlightened self-interest* is. Limiting decisions* block you from accessing your enlightened self-interest*. And so when you come up against a brick wall blocking your enlightened self-interest*, you heal the unhealed issue (i.e. clear the limiting decision*) in you, and then a way forward becomes clear. And as we’ve seen, what is in your enlightened self-interest* generally doesn’t turn out to be what we thought it would be before the limiting decisions* were healed. And so you then take the next step, and it’s adjusting and changing. It’s allowing things to unfold as they do. It’s really quite a marvelous process.
Limiting Decisions*: Limiting Decisions*: Unconscious decisions made in early childhood, such as “I am stupid,” “I am bad,” “People can’t be trusted.”
Enlightened Self-interest*: That which truly benefits you and connects you with reality, as opposed to selfishness, which is an emotional defense system and separates you from other people and reality. To read more about enlightened self-interest, go to: http://blog.janecohencounseling.com/2010/03/the-importance-of-self-interest/
This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.
(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)
Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.
(Previous dialogs with William are under the “William & Terry” category in the right side bar.)
Continuing the journey of William (an NLP TimeLine client of mine) and his wife: As you may recall, a number of months ago William’s wife of nearly 30 years went off the deep end emotionally, recently ending up in a residential program at her therapist’s recommendation. From William’s point-of-view, it was no longer possible to be in relationship with her, as she was relating to him increasingly more as if she were literally his child. The longer she was living with him, the worse she seemed to get, and the more impossible the situation was for William to tolerate.
His wife always liked being in charge, and was very vocal and insistent on things being her way, according to what pleased her. Although she was so non-functional she was totally dependent on him, William was letting her make her own decisions about how she spent her time and how she conducted her life. The result was she kept getting worse, and the situation kept getting increasingly more painful for him.
His wife has now just gotten home from the 5 week residential program, and William is determined to not let the situation with her revert to the way it was previously. He was feeling depressed about her coming home, basically in the same emotional state she was in before, until it crystallized for him what he should do. And that was that he should just take charge of everything about her life, telling her what she should do and making all of the decisions for her, as it has become clear she is incapable of making decisions for her own benefit.
William feels he can’t really move on with his own life until he’s take care of his responsibilities for her. He’s trying to sort out what she is and isn’t capable of, and let the responsibility for what she is capable of fall on her.
Jane: People are always doing the best they can, from the position of where they’re standing. So that is why one of the cornerstones of the Life is Meant to Work thought system is that it’s never about what the other person is doing. You can’t judge them, as you’re not in their shoes. You can’t take on that responsibility. There are too many factors. All you can know is your own experience. Your only guidance for what to do is your own enlightened self-interest. That’s why it’s so crucially important.
Enlightened self-interest is what truly benefits you and connects you to what is true. Enlightened self-interest is what really matters to you. It is a fact, not something that can be manufactured or manipulated. It is not necessarily the easy path, as it often requires personal transformation. It is very different than selfishness, which avoids what is true, causes separation between people, and is a part of an emotional defense system.
That’s why you felt better when you took a stand on making all of the decisions for your wife’s life yourself, as it has become clear to you that leaving it in her hands makes life for both of you impossible. Your decision to do that was based on your own enlightened self-interest. It has been a breakthrough for you to do that because you didn’t trust yourself.
For any relationship to work, each person must be coming from what truly matters to them, or there is no solid foundation for it. Ultimately the only relationship we are in is between ourselves and a larger or Universal Truth. If you try to make up for each other’s limiting decisions* to try to make things between you work on the surface, you just get mired in deeper and deeper untruths, which ultimately creates impossible situations where there is no way out, which is what you have been finding out.
On a soul level, your wife has made a decision to put herself in the difficult position she is currently in. All you can do is be in reality the best you can in relation to yourself and her.
* Limiting Decision: An unconscious decision made in early childhood that is some form of that life doesn’t work, and usually that there is something inherently wrong with you — such as “I am powerless,” “bad,” “without value;” or “The world is a dangerous place,” “People can’t be trusted,” and so on.
This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.
(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)
Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.
William, an NLP TimeLine client of mine, has been married for almost 30 years. His wife (who I’ll call Terry) has been increasingly losing her connection with reality over the past several months. She is under the care of a psychiatrist, but doesn’t seem to be making any progress. She has lost almost all interest in life and is obsessed with being attached to William virtually all of the time, getting upset if he does anything that doesn’t include her. William has been working through the issues in himself that have been triggered by his wife’s behavior toward him, and is responding in increasingly empowered ways. But it’s now becoming clear that things can’t keep going the way they have been, as it’s taking a large toll on him. He went to a session with Terry and her therapist, and the therapist said if Terry doesn’t make any progress in her behavior she will recommend William leave her, as there is no point in both of them going down. She recommended Terry enter a full time live-in program where she can get the help she needs, but Terry is unwilling to do that.
William has been feeling conflicted over the commitment he made to his wife, about if it would be wrong for him to leave her — if he’d be failing in his commitment to her, showing lack of character.
Jane: The question is what you are committed to. From a shallow kind of perspective, people can be committed to what makes them feel good in the moment. And so when things get difficult they just leave. On the other side of the pendulum, a person can blindly follow whatever they make a commitment to, no matter how they end up feeling about it, which is how some people approach their marriages. They feel that after you make that commitment, come hell or high water, a moral person just sticks with the commitment. Many people have stayed in very unhappy marriages on the basis of that.
Or, you can make a commitment to be true to yourself. Now being true to yourself is not necessarily the easy route, it’s not necessarily what feels good in the moment. It’s not a shallow decision. It’s a decision to follow truth, and following truth may require you to go through experiences which are difficult, including transformational kinds of experience. Truth is not the same thing as just doing something because it feels good. If you’re truly in love with someone and really want to be with them, but the dynamics between the two of you are very painful, if you follow what’s really true for you, you’ll probably make a substantial effort to work through the issues in yourself as long as you can see a way forward. Generally the energy will be in there as long as you feel life in the relationship, a spark in which you see or experience that there are possibilities or there is potential there.
If, however, you’ve worked through the stuff that is coming up for you, as far as you can, and if the other person is not committed to making the changes that they need to make, that are causing the relationship to not be in your best interest, then what happens is the energy starts going out of the relationship for you.
The commitment is to what’s really true inside yourself, including being committed to the truth of how you really feel about Terry. And I believe you truly do love her. And so the commitment might be to keep the door open for her, for now, if she can walk through it. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be living with her, or that you have to relate to her in any particular way. Right now she’s got the door closed; she’s not available to be in relationship with.
I don’t know what you should actually do, but it appears to me that she’s got to face the reality of the situation between you. If you sacrifice yourself for her because you feel sorry for her, it is probably not doing her any favors. Catering to her, and feeling sorry for her, and sticking with the commitment you made to a particular relationship form isn’t going to create change, and change is desperately needed right now.
This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.
(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)
Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.
Excerpt from a TimeLine Session with a client I’ll call William (not his real name)
William is having problems in his marriage. His wife likes to always be in charge and generally insists on things being her way. She has very strong desires and opinions about everything, and is not open to what matters to others. William, on the other hand, isn’t much in contact with what he wants, but generally finds himself “going with the flow” in life. Going with the flow has generally worked out well for him, and he seems to find interesting opportunities for himself that way. But in his marriage it’s causing major problems.
Jane: Going with the flow is basically moving along with where the real life energy is, which is a very important ability to have. But in this case, between you and your wife, it’s instead a part of an emotional defense system. It’s a part of a dysfunctional relationship between you. She becomes the flow for you. She determines what the flow is. Although, when she’s doing that, she herself is not actually connected with the flow of life.
The issue is “Who is defining reality for you?”. People often go along with what’s happening around them as if that’s just the way things are, not realizing that they are letting themselves be controlled by other people’s energy. That’s very, very different than going with the flow of life. You have to be in contact with your self, with your enlightened self-interest, with your own direct experience in order to really be going with the flow of life. If you are not connected with that direct experience, and you let the flow of your energy be defined or controlled by someone else, it can be disastrous — as you’re finding out.
William: I guess you’re then flowing down the wrong branch of the river.
Jane: It’s not the river at all; it’s someone’s distortion of reality. Really going with the flow is directly connecting with reality, the heart of things, the real life energy — which is what Divine Order is about. It’s what makes things work.
When you’re really going with the flow — when you’re really connected to the nature of the way life is — then things works amazingly well. But when you let yourself be taken over by someone else as a result of not being connected to your own direct connection with life, that’s when things get messed up in your life. It’s your limiting decisions* that disconnect you from your own direction experience, and therefore accessing your own path in life.
* Limiting Decisions: Unconscious decisions made at a very young age, which are always some form of deciding that life doesn’t work and usually that there is something inherently wrong with you — such as “I am stupid, unlovable, without value….” “People can’t be trusted….”
This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.
(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)
Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.
This “Ask Jane” came up during a TimeLine session, with a client I’ll call Sarah. Click here to see past “Ask Jane” Q & A’s.
Sarah said her boyfriend usually gets home from work before she does. The other night he had told her he was going to make dinner for her, but when she got home from work it wasn’t even started, and he was involved in doing something else. And so she got upset about it, feeling as though it means he doesn’t value her. And then the next night she came home and he had dinner all ready for her, and he teased her, “I learned that if I don’t have dinner ready for Sarah, it’s really a big thing. And she said to him, “Well did you do it because you wanted to do it, or because you felt pressured to do it.”
Jane: This is the big trap that many people in relationships fall into. There are certain symbolic things that you (like many people) require that mean to you that you are valued or loved or respected, or whatever the symbol represents. And you feel your boyfriend doesn’t value you, love you, and so on if he doesn’t do them. And not only do you expect him to do the specific symbolic thing, but you expect him to think of it himself and do it because he wants to.
But this is an impossibility right from the start. Your boyfriend is thinking in terms of what you want. He can’t possibly want to do it originating from himself, because he’s catering to your particular symbolism. So he has to focus on what you tell him you want, rather than what’s really true for him. And what you’re asking for isn’t the real thing that matters to you any way. It can’t really give you the knowing you are valued.
Everyone inherently starts out knowing they are valuable, loveable, worthy of respect and so on. And they have experiences in life in which they feel loved, valued, and so on, because they’re open to receiving it. And it doesn’t have to come in a particular form. But when they make limiting decisions* that they aren’t valuable and so on, they close the channels for truly receiving these. Therefore they then require certain symbolic things from other people in order to feel that they are valued, loved, and so on. And when they don’t get those symbolic things, they think that other person is withholding it from them, as in your relationship with your boyfriend.
Sarah: Then how does it work with a couple? You have to compromise and push and pull to know what the other person wants. I thought in intimate relationships you just do things for each other.
Jane: It’s not about what the person wants that’s the issue, but what is motivating him wanting it. If it’s substituting for some emotional need that he doesn’t have access to receiving, because he doesn’t have the channels open, it won’t work and will conflict with you. It won’t work in terms of happiness or things really working well for both of your highest interest or joy. The only way to accommodate someone’s substitute desires is squelching and limiting yourself, and making yourself smaller, because it doesn’t leave you free to be true to yourself. It doesn’t lead forward. It contracts the relationship.
If the relationship is based on catering to each other’s substitute desires, you can get into your own little world of each other’s symbolic things. In order to do that, you have to make each other the center of your world. And if you go down that path, it doesn’t really expand the relationship. It insulates you from having to grow. You get more and more comfortable in a locked-in position, cut off from here-and-now experience. You become co-dependent on each other. Doing that insulates you from life, rather than opening up to it and growing — which I know you and your boyfriend really want. But with some couples that kind of compromise is the best they can do, because they’re not really into transformation. And they’re willing to compromise what really matters to them, because they’re more invested in feeling stable and secure, which really means stuck. And they can do that — unless or until there is something in their soul that can’t stand it. And then they end up physically or emotionally hurting each other, and/or leaving.
The part of you that is invested in the security and co-dependency is the part of you where there are limiting decisions*, resulting in you sacrificing being the divine you — as big, and as free, and as empowered, and as creative as you really are.
But you can have it all, all of it — the freedom to be true to yourself, as well as an intimate, committed relationship. This is a process. You go to where there is a conflict, where something is not working. And that alerts you. “Look over here. This is getting in the way of life working.” Compromise over something that really matters to you is never something that has to happen. When you’re in a relationship where there is a deep loving connection, and where you are connected to the divine love and truth, then certain things that used to be important to you no longer are, because they were substitute desires. And if there is a desire that either of you feels invested in that is causing a conflict between you, then one or both of you are invested in a substitute desire, resulting from an unhealed issue. And so you get to what it is and work through it, which then allows you to get more in contact with what really does matter to you.
* Limiting Decisions: Unconscious decisions usually made before 6 or 7, and sometimes in adolescence. They are always some form of life doesn’t work, and usually that there is something inherently wrong with you — such as “I am bad, worthless, unlovable …. People can’t be trusted …”
This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.
(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)
Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.
This “Ask Jane” is a continuation of one that came out a few weeks ago called “My wife has gone off the deep end.” I’m describing the continuing journey of a client who is dealing with a very difficult situation at home. (Real names are never used.)
William was saying his wife is more irrational than ever and it is a living hell for him, and nothing seems to help her. He has no personal space in their home. Whenever she wants to ask or tell him something, she interrupts him or just starts talking. It doesn’t matter if he’s sleeping in the middle of the night or if he’s working in his office. She just barges right in. She tries to hang up the phone when he’s talking with someone she doesn’t want him to talk with. He’s making plans to work outside of his home so he can get some work done, but he feels bad for her spending the whole day alone by herself, probably in bed. She keeps thinking she has everything wrong with her and gets into panics about it, such as thinking she has diabetes when she doesn’t; she believes she isn’t breathing, when she is. And so he tries to demonstrate to her that she is in fact breathing, and so on. At times when she gets more rational, he thinks things are getting better. And then she goes off the wall again. He’s generally a person who is unemotional and never cries, but he’s been feeling so stressed he finds himself crying frequently.
William: I don’t know what a loving person is or does now.
Jane: This is not about doing the right behavior. I make suggestions to you, but that’s not necessarily what you should do. What’s more important than taking certain actions, or changing your behavior in relation to her, is changing your insides. This situation is causing you to have to deal with your own unhealed issues, and is breaking through your own emotional defense systems. I can’t necessarily tell you what the right thing to do is, because I’m not in your situation. But I can help you find where the emotional triggers and the limiting decisions are in you. We clear them and things shift in you; and then the way forward becomes clear.
Right now you’re supporting your wife’s insanity to some degree. A good example of this is when she is convinced there is something wrong with her, when there clearly isn’t. And then you get upset and try to convince her there isn’t. When you’re trying to convince her or change her, it’s because you’re leaning on her to define what reality is. You’re triggered by her irrationality, and are trying to get her to be rational. Any place you’re emotionally triggered by her and therefore coming from that triggered place, you’re supporting her insanity. You’re supporting the reality paradigm she’s living in. She’s in a power-struggle with you, and you’re in a power-struggle back, and feeling controlled by her. But what your power-struggle actually is against are the emotions that are coming up in you that are triggered by her.
The best thing you can do to help her is to come into reality yourself, and relate to her from that place. As you clear the limiting decisions in you and come more into reality, you’re connecting from a real place, from your heart to her heart, in the real world in relation to her. You’re holding the real truth of what’s really true between you and her, despite the way she’s acting, which is outside of the reality of what is true. And then you’re not being controlled by the insanity that’s coming from her. And you’re also coming from a compassionate place, which includes compassion for you. It includes you in the picture. And so you’re no longer letting her insanity rule the situation between you.
Who knows — this could be the best thing anyone could do for your wife right now — to be actually going through the process with her, and coming into reality and relating to her more and more in reality. It could perhaps bring her into reality.
This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.
(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)
Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.
William: “My wife has gone off the deep end. She’s become very anxious, and is not willing to do the things that would help her. She has become completely reliant on me for everything, and needs constant reassurance. She is upset if I do anything without her. I am reaching the end of my rope. What should I do? I’m afraid she might harm herself if I don’t do whatever she wants me to do that she feels reassured by. I only see two choices: Either go along with her — or don’t and feel responsible for the state she gets into as a result, including that she might harm herself.”
Jane: “The bottom-line is if your life is appearing to not work, there are one or more limiting decisions you have that are distorting your experience of reality. And when they are cleared, the way you are looking at things will shift and a way forward will become apparent. The reason you see only those two choices is because the ground you are standing on is limited and structured by limiting decisions that filter in only the information that supports the limiting decisions, and not anything that doesn’t.”
When we discussed it further it turned out that how William was experiencing his wife was virtually identical with how he felt with his mother when he was a child. His mother was very anxious about life and felt to him to be very unstable. He felt responsible for her emotional state, and that what he did or didn’t do determined whether she felt OK or not. He thought he had married someone who was strong and the opposite of her, but now it turns out that underneath that apparent strength was someone who was actually very weak, and now he is right in the middle of the very thing he thought he had escaped.
After we cleared the limiting decision “he is responsible for the existence of the woman he’s dependent on,” William said he felt a huge weight had been lifted off of his shoulders.
He was standing on the new ground of realizing that he really didn’t have the power to determine his mother’s well-being and stability, no matter what he did or didn’t do; and so he was also now realizing that about his wife as well. He realized that he doesn’t have the power to personally solve the problem for his wife, and that nothing he can do will make any difference about it, as the source of it is only in her; and that he’s been enabling her to not find a real solution. And therefore he is no longer feeling hostage to her, or that her life depends on what he does or doesn’t do.
And so, because of this, he realized that there were, in fact, other options than the unacceptable ones he had felt locked in by. He can now relate compassionately to her, from standing on this new ground, making clear to her what he can and can’t do, and therefore no longer being co-dependent with her. He had felt imprisoned by his wife’s dysfunction, but what he had really been imprisoned by was his own.
Below is a response from RL to my invitation for dialog about the direction humanity is going in and the challenge in front of us. Underneath that is my response to RL. If you can a response to these you can send it to me using this blog’s contact form.
_________
RL: “GM foods are a fantastic idea, initially, produce mass quantity of food to feed people more quality food… Of course there are people who want to monopolize on this instantly, such as Monsato, maximizing profits by contracting deals that cannot be withdrawn. This is done without being cautious to the effects, and giving time for science to perfect the process. Hydrogenated oil… when created at first, great idea! Food shall not spoil so quick… yet 30 years down the line we find its ill effects, but to completely ban it from use is impossible, as to the multi million dollar agreements of companies like crisco and mcdonalds. But 30 years down the line we find Hydrogenation of food is useful on sugar starches, to create an indigestible sugar that is great for diabetics, and does not cause insulin spikes. Every discovery has an application, we just need to find the correct one, and the key requirement is patience. Money is the root of all evil….”
Jane: “To me, what you are saying boils down to: Because of greed, some people take advantage of, and have huge power over, other people. This perspective is that we are victims of the greed of other people.
When we look at these kinds of issues, the focus is generally on those who take advantage of other people, as if they are the problem. This is not recognizing that those other people are just as powerful as those who “take advantage of them.” The problem isn’t those who take advantage of other people; it is what causes those other people to give their power away and let themselves be manipulated. And it is not others they are being manipulated by.
What people really desire are, for example, being powerful, valuable, successful, loved, safe and so on. And having those is the true nature of people. But people make limiting decisions* as children, which cause them to believe that can’t have those things, in whatever area it is that they make limiting decisions* in. Because this feels deeply unacceptable to them, they develop emotional defense systems that cushion them against, or compensate for, not being able to access those. People then get invested in symbolic substitutes for these that they feel they can control — such as buying expensive things they don’t need; drinking excessive alcohol; and eating unhealthy comfort foods that give them a false, but immediate, sense of well-being. These kinds of symbolic substitutes give them the feeling that they are powerful, valuable, successful, lovable, safe and so on. People tend to buy into symbols of what gives them a sense of well-being.
When we go toward symbolic substitutes, we are believing that the source of our well-being is outside of ourselves. This is what addictions are all about. They are something physical that we believe we have control over that will give us a sense of having something we truly desire, but feel unable to access, such as love, emotional nourishment, power, success, significance and so on. But in reality, an addiction is something that becomes out of our control, and ends up having control over us.
And so these symbolic symbols ultimately have harmful effects on us, as well as often on other people and our common environment. This is because they not in alignment with reality. They result in excessive consumption of resources and pollution in one form or another. And they bring us into an increasingly deeper sense of hopelessness, because we’re looking in the wrong direction for solutions. They cause us to rely on those who provide these symbolic substitutes believing they are the source of our well-being. Those we believe have huge power over us, such as Monsato in your example, only have that power because we are giving it to them, believing them to be the source of what we need, as if that source could come from something outside of ourselves.”
Limiting Decisions*: Unconscious decisions, usually made before the age of 6 or 7. They are always some form of life doesn’t work and usually that there is something inherently wrong with you, such as: “I am bad, not valuable, a failure…” “People can’t be trusted.” And so on.
This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.
(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)
Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.
Lucy is a woman in her 40′s who has never been married, although she’s been in many relationships. She has been afraid of commitment, and generally has been in relationship with men who are also afraid of commitment.
Because of the work we’ve done clearing Limiting decisions in TimeLine sessions, Lucy is now in a committed relationship with a man I’ll call Alan. They are living together and seriously talking about getting married and having a baby. But some fears are coming up for both of them. They are thinking of making a pre-nuptial agreement in case they end up divorced, as many people end up doing. Lucy recently talked with a married friend of hers who was talking about how unhappy she is in her marriage. She talked contemptuously about her husband, and said “Just wait, 10 years down the line after you are married, you’ll see what I mean.” And another woman who was there agreed that was also how she felt about her marriage. Lucy said she was afraid that will end up happening to Alan and her.
Jane’s response: Up until fairly recent times, more people stayed married than got divorced. This was because of the social stigma about getting divorced, and perhaps even more so because women depended on their husbands to support them. Now, as women have come increasingly more into their power, this is no longer such a constraint.
To many people, marriage is a kind of a fantasy about home, and stability, and being loved forever, and safety against the trials of the world. They believe that in order to make marriage work, each partner has to sacrifice and compromise themselves to whatever degree is necessary. And this is a part of what defines love. Out of fear of losing this security, people lock themselves into a particular form, rather than paying attention to and evolving whatever is really true between them, as well as growing and evolving themselves. People, in general, don’t believe life will work if they follow the truth of what it actually is.
What is holding this is place are limiting decisions. If there are limiting decisions in there that cause you to lean on the marriage as a fixed form, in order to compensate for whatever is unhealed in you, it will get in the way of a true relationship between you — unless you recognize and deal with the limiting decisions. In fact the relationship form can be used to substitute for actually relating to each other. Examples of limiting decisions that result in this are decisions you can’t take care of yourself, you’re not good enough, you aren’t safe in the world, you can’t succeed in life, emotional intimacy is weak or dangerous, people can’t be trusted, other people’s needs are more important than yours. Using your relationship to compensate for these will ultimately cause one or both of you to attach yourself to each other, put huge pressure on each other to be other than who you are, create a sense of emptiness or meaninglessness, and probably cause one or the other of you to pull away from the relationship.
As conflict or pressures come up in the relationship that seem to get in the way of being true to yourself, it’s an indication of a limiting decision* distorting your perception of how things really are. And so it’s necessary to face and deal with the limiting decisions* — or you end up forfeiting a piece of yourself. You end up compromising what matters to you. And that’s what kills relationships. But that’s what people do all of the time, because they don’t make personal transformation an essential ingredient in their relationship. It’s never the nature of life or relationships that’s the problem. It is unhealed issues distorting your experience of reality that causes life to appear not to work.
* Limiting decisions: Unconscious decisions, usually made before the age of 6 or 7, such as “I am bad,” “I am not good enough.” “People can’t be trusted.” They are always some form of deciding that life doesn’t work, and usually that there is something inherently wrong with you.
This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.
(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)
Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
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From Sally in Solana Beach: My husband agreed to go to an event with me that was important to me. But a few days before the event he realized that an important football game was playing that night, which he hadn’t known about and he blurted out that he wasn’t going to the event because he wanted to stay home and watch the game. I told him that I had thought he was a person of integrity, but because of how he acted I realized that he really isn’t, if he could just blow off his commitment to me like that. He did realize shortly after his response that he hadn’t behaved very well, and suggested we discuss possible solutions. But I am still seeing him as a person without integrity because of how he acted. He obviously didn’t see me as a very high priority. Don’t you think this shows a lack of integrity?
Jane: I’d say, clearly your husband was coming from an emotionally triggered place — at least in his initial response. But it doesn’t mean to me that this shows he is a person basically lacking in integrity.
I think this brings up something important for you to look at in yourself. Leaning on ridged rules, as you seem to be doing, is a way to avoid relating in the moment, where you reveal where you are at, and engage back and forth about what’s really happening, such as “I’m triggered,” “This is how I’m feeling”, “This is really important to me.” If you avoid relating in the moment, you don’t have to be vulnerable, you don’t have to reveal anything, and you don’t have to engage. It’s just, “This is the rule; you follow it or you’re bad.”
And that’s a place that people often fall into in areas in which they have limiting decisions*, because they don’t trust life to work the way it really is. And I’m guessing a significant limiting decision* was triggered in you by this situation, bringing up emotional responses beyond what the situation really called for. For example, the limiting decision* could have to do with you not feeling valued or that there isn’t anyone you can count on. And you’re projecting the pain of the limiting decision* onto your husband, which is why you are being ridged about it, and why you’re drawing a broad generalization about him.
Since — after his initial knee jerk response — your husband was open to discussing this with you to find a solution, it appears to me that he’s not creating an impossibility. But if you take a ridged stand on a judgment about what this means about his character, you have shut the door to a way forward. When you’re really being present — engaging, revealing, and being vulnerable, you don’t need to have ridged rules, because you are interacting in life, and life does work when you’re really participating in it.
So — you recognize that your husband had a dysfunctional response, you look at the limiting decisions being triggered in yourself and in him, and you work through it. A way forward will become clear, when you are really able to be present with each other.
* Limiting Decisions: Unconscious decisions, usually made before the age of 6 or 7, such as “I am bad,” “I am not good enough.” “People can’t be trusted.” They are always some form of deciding that life doesn’t work, and usually that there is something inherently wrong with you.
