Transformational Teachings from Counselor Jane Ilene Cohen

This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.

(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)

Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.

Question from Jeffrey (written before recent events in Egypt)

Jeffrey: I’m wondering your perspective on increased human violence? …the Moscow airport, Tucson rampage, border fences, deranged individuals killing police.  Each successive day leads to another carnage event…then the next higher level of security. It’s never ending cat ‘n mouse. What might human society be unaware of that is resulting in such destructive behavior? Is there anything we can do to reverse or arrest this escalation effect?  Or maybe it’s all relative…bad apples just a part of civilization.

Jane: We are in a major transition period in terms of what it takes to create stability, well-being and survival.  In the past there were clearly spelled out ways of earning a living and moving ahead in your profession; there were spelled out ways of what it takes to be a good, moral person; there were clear roles you were supposed to take on to create a stable family — what a good husband, wife or child is; and so on.

But many of the definitions and structures holding these in place are falling apart or rapidly changing.  And this is on top of the more global challenges of financial instability, global warming, and so on.  What people leaned on for structuring their lives is serving them less and less well, and holding less and less meaning for them. People feel, in many ways, they no longer have a stable way to take care of their basic needs that they can count on.

These old structures and models and roles did give people stability, without people really having to be conscious or having to relate directly to life itself.  But the evolutionary process is one of moving toward greater and greater consciousness.  What works during one particular stage of evolution won’t necessarily work during another, as evolving forward is inherent in life.

And those who are invested in the old forms are having a hard time in this transition.  The more the investment is, the harder the transition.  And this can lead to varying degrees of social chaos and violence.

The solution is learning how to relate directly to life itself, rather than leaning on and being at the mercy of human constructs and definitions from those outside of you.  One way of putting this is it’s moving from leaning on some external, static, authoritative defining of how things should be — to something much more fluid and changeable, requiring much more personal responsibility.

This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.

(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)

Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.

Excerpt from a TimeLine Session with a client I’ll call William (not his real name)

William is having problems in his marriage.  His wife likes to always be in charge and generally insists on things being her way.  She has very strong desires and opinions about everything, and is not open to what matters to others.  William, on the other hand, isn’t much in contact with what he wants, but generally finds himself “going with the flow” in life.  Going with the flow has generally worked out well for him, and he seems to find interesting opportunities for himself that way.  But in his marriage it’s causing major problems.

Jane: Going with the flow is basically moving along with where the real life energy is, which is a very important ability to have.  But in this case, between you and your wife, it’s instead a part of an emotional defense system.  It’s a part of a dysfunctional relationship between you.  She becomes the flow for you.  She determines what the flow is.  Although, when she’s doing that, she herself is not actually connected with the flow of life.

The issue is “Who is defining reality for you?”.  People often go along with what’s happening around them as if that’s just the way things are, not realizing that they are letting themselves be controlled by other people’s energy.  That’s very, very different than going with the flow of life.  You have to be in contact with your self, with your enlightened self-interest, with your own direct experience in order to really be going with the flow of life.  If you are not connected with that direct experience, and you let the flow of your energy be defined or controlled by someone else, it can be disastrous — as you’re finding out.

William:  I guess you’re then flowing down the wrong branch of the river.

Jane: It’s not the river at all; it’s someone’s distortion of reality.  Really going with the flow is directly connecting with reality, the heart of things, the real life energy — which is what Divine Order is about.  It’s what makes things work.

When you’re really going with the flow — when you’re really connected to the nature of the way life is — then things works amazingly well.  But when you let yourself be taken over by someone else as a result of not being connected to your own direct connection with life, that’s when things get messed up in your life. It’s your limiting decisions* that disconnect you from your own direction experience, and therefore accessing your own path in life.

* Limiting Decisions: Unconscious decisions made at a very young age, which are always some form of deciding that life doesn’t work and usually that there is something inherently wrong with you — such as “I am stupid, unlovable, without value….”  “People can’t be trusted….”

This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.

(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)

Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.

This a continued dialog with Jered about the Australian Founder of Wikileaks, Julian Assange, who has been responsible for leaking sensitive secret government information out into the world.

Jered: My concern is the wisdom and consequences of these disclosures since there’s no way Assange read 250,000 sensitive documents.

Jane: What is the purpose of judging the wisdom and consequences of his disclosures?  I guess you’re wondering what the righteous thing to do is.  Should we allow government to keep certain things secret and who should be in control of that? Is that covering up things that should be known by the general population?  But if we don’t keep these things secret, is that causing even more harm?

Focusing on trying to control each other is a losing battle, and if we look out in the world that becomes pretty apparent.  We can’t control the terrorists, we can’t control which political party wins and the laws they end up passing or revoking.  Sometimes things go our way, and sometimes they don’t.  But that’s not the real playing field.  And the shift the world is undergoing right now is increasingly making that clearer.  We have been looking in the wrong direction for solutions. 

Whether Assange’s actions are wise or not is not the issue.  He did what he did, and apparently is going to continue doing it.  You could say he is in a dialog with the world, and the world is in dialog in response.  And how you relate to the dialog will be a learning experience for you.  The dialog itself is what opens up truth.  As I said in the previous post, the issue now is engaging rather than trying to control.  Engaging is where the resources, safety and well-being can be accessed, because it’s hooking into a larger truth, a larger framework beyond any individual person’s control.  It’s participating in life, rather than trying to control it.

This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.

(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)

Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.

Question from Jered (Real names are never used):

Jered: What is your thinking on the Wikileaks guy, Assange. Is there a balance in that mess or …?  I question the practical usefulness of disclosures and Assange’s seemingly righteous stance. The world is a delicate place at times.

Jane: It’s difficult to know the effect that Assange revealing these documents is having on the world.  A multitude of things are happening in the world on multiple levels, much of which isn’t being talked about.

And whether Assange is coming from a place of truth and reality inside himself, or it’s a part of his emotional defense systems, I don’t know.  Very likely it’s some of both.

There are many forces and dynamics happening in the world that are a part of a complex evolutionary process.  And all we can do is to play our part in this universal drama, from within our own personal perspective and experience.

The reason that someone like Assange, who is affecting things on a global level, has such a huge impact is because of the general human belief that our safety and well-being is dependent on what the people outside of ourselves do.  And so we live in a world based on trying to control each other. And in fact, one statement Assange seems to be trying to make is about letting go of the control.  Although, his emphasis seems to be on other people letting go of the control, rather than himself.

The world is in great flux right now, and getting ourselves in the position to ride with the flow of life seems to me vitally important.  And that means letting go of the control.  But we can’t let go of the control as long as we believe the source of our safety and well-being is at the mercy of the world outside ourselves.

It’s a good thing that the book and movie “The Secret” (which teaches how to manifest into your life what you desire) has been so popular.  Even though the majority of people don’t have a lot of success making it work, many people have enough success with it to pay attention to it.  This makes it more acceptable to conceive of the idea that the source of our survival and well-being has to do with an internal process, not something imposed externally.

It’s not about what other people do; it’s about what you do.  Each of us is a leader, because we are presenting a model of reality with every thought we think, and expression and movement we make.  We are in a transition period, moving into taking personal responsibility for the world each of us is creating.  We can no longer afford to blame it on what the other person is doing.

The world you experience depends on the vibrational stream you enter into, the kind of energy you tap into — whether it’s positive and loving, or fearful and hateful, or somewhere in between.  That’s the world you are entering into.  And that’s the reality you project out into the world.

As we approach the New Year we can see the transition we have been going through in these tumultuous times.  One way to describe it is we are shifting from striving to be in control, to engaging instead.  The business world is demonstrating this very graphically with social media revolutionizing the whole field.  Engaging requires letting go of our investment in having things take on the particular forms we are invested in, that we believe we are in control of.

Stock piling resources, and building empires, and creating “foolproof” strategies — only to have the stock market tumble, home values bottom out, and the financial world destabilize.  How many symbols of being in control have you lost this year?  Your house?  Your job?  Your retirement funds?  Your relationship?  Have you been trying to regain that control in order to lean on it again for your stability?  Or have you been allowing the loss of it to reshape you, to transform you, to shift how you are looking at and approaching life itself?

There is no safety or stability in being in control.  But that is not a lesson the world could learn as long as the old ways of doing things seemed to be working.  Really engaging is the opposite of control.  It is putting the truth out there to be seen.  It is a process of vulnerably being present with each other and life itself.  This is giving up the control to a larger truth and reality than human control, and finding out that this larger source is based in love.

The bottom line of what this transition requires is love.  It takes love to let go of trying to control our experience, and to engage in life instead.  It takes a recognition of the love that’s all around, which is the ultimate gift.

This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.

(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)

Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.

This “Ask Jane” is a continuation of one that came out a few weeks ago called “My wife has gone off the deep end.”  I’m describing the continuing journey of a client who is dealing with a very difficult situation at home.  (Real names are never used.)

William was saying his wife is more irrational than ever and it is a living hell for him, and nothing seems to help her.  He has no personal space in their home. Whenever she wants to ask or tell him something, she interrupts him or just starts talking.  It doesn’t matter if he’s sleeping in the middle of the night or if he’s working in his office.  She just barges right in.  She tries to hang up the phone when he’s talking with someone she doesn’t want him to talk with.  He’s making plans to work outside of his home so he can get some work done, but he feels bad for her spending the whole day alone by herself, probably in bed.  She keeps thinking she has everything wrong with her and gets into panics about it, such as thinking she has diabetes when she doesn’t; she believes she isn’t breathing, when she is.  And so he tries to demonstrate to her that she is in fact breathing, and so on.  At times when she gets more rational, he thinks things are getting better.  And then she goes off the wall again. He’s generally a person who is unemotional and never cries, but he’s been feeling so stressed he finds himself crying frequently.

William: I don’t know what a loving person is or does now.

Jane: This is not about doing the right behavior.  I make suggestions to you, but that’s not necessarily what you should do.  What’s more important than taking certain actions, or changing your behavior in relation to her, is changing your insides.  This situation is causing you to have to deal with your own unhealed issues, and is breaking through your own emotional defense systems.  I can’t necessarily tell you what the right thing to do is, because I’m not in your situation. But I can help you find where the emotional triggers and the limiting decisions are in you.  We clear them and things shift in you; and then the way forward becomes clear.

Right now you’re supporting your wife’s insanity to some degree. A good example of this is when she is convinced there is something wrong with her, when there clearly isn’t.  And then you get upset and try to convince her there isn’t.  When you’re trying to convince her or change her, it’s because you’re leaning on her to define what reality is.  You’re triggered by her irrationality, and are trying to get her to be rational.  Any place you’re emotionally triggered by her and therefore coming from that triggered place, you’re supporting her insanity.  You’re supporting the reality paradigm she’s living in.  She’s in a power-struggle with you, and you’re in a power-struggle back, and feeling controlled by her.  But what your power-struggle actually is against are the emotions that are coming up in you that are triggered by her.

The best thing you can do to help her is to come into reality yourself, and relate to her from that place.  As you clear the limiting decisions in you and come more into reality, you’re connecting from a real place, from your heart to her heart, in the real world in relation to her.  You’re holding the real truth of what’s really true between you and her, despite the way she’s acting, which is outside of the reality of what is true.  And then you’re not being controlled by the insanity that’s coming from her.  And you’re also coming from a compassionate place, which includes compassion for you.  It includes you in the picture. And so you’re no longer letting her insanity rule the situation between you.

Who knows — this could be the best thing anyone could do for your wife right now — to be actually going through the process with her, and coming into reality and relating to her more and more in reality.  It could perhaps bring her into reality.

This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.

(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)

Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.

Jill: I’m glad I’m not young during these times, and have the wisdom of my years.  It must be much harder for young people to cope with the world today.

Jane: If we were born into the world now, the way we were many years ago when we were actually born — we would be much less equipped to deal with life today than the new generations are. It’s a different experience for the younger generation.  They’re set up differently inside than we are, because each generation generally comes into their lifetime more evolved than the previous ones.

They are generally coming in with much more consciousness and more of a sense of who they are.  And they are more able to define their experience from their own direct experience, as opposed to relying on external authority.

And they are born into a different world experience than we were born into — with different energy, and a whole different level of knowledge and consciousness than the way the world was when we were born.  Generally speaking, people are in vibrational resonance with the world as it is when they are born, which is what astrology is about.

The internal dilemmas the younger generations are encountering are on a much more evolved level, and are more in tune with present-moment experience, than that of many of their parents.  Therefore, their parents are totally at sea with what they are dealing with.  The old paradigm is you use discipline to act the way you are suppose to act, regardless of how you feel about it.  There is a particular standard of behavior you are supposed to meet to be considered good and upright and successful.  Many parents can’t understand why their children can’t just force themselves to conform to it.  That is what is considered good character.  And it used to be acceptable to beat children into submission.  To a large degree the older generations, when they were children, didn’t have enough sense of who they were to reject that perspective.  But the newer ones can no longer accept that.  They are here to solve the actual dilemmas, not to superficially solve it by controlling their external behavior.

The old standards of behavior are human constructs that were a way of creating order for the less evolved stages of human development, because we weren’t connected enough to the truth of present-moment experience to relate directly to life.  And that was in addition to the old paradigm perspective of original sin, which results in the idea that being moral requires being other than who we really are. But the newer generations can’t as easily override who they really are, and can’t bend themselves to conform to some made up construct, which they are becoming increasingly more aware hasn’t been working.

Instead they have more of an ability to tap into present-moment truth about themselves and the world around them, which is what I call the “real world.”  And the more people tap into the real world of direct knowledge and experience, the faster the evolutionary process occurs.  It is a process of bringing us out of the distortions and illusions caused by the collective human history of limiting decisions and emotional defense systems — which is the source of the huge messes humanity is facing — and into the real world where life actually does work wonderfully well.

The young people of today are in a transition between those two worlds.  Actually we all are, but to a large extent the younger generations are further along in the transition.  Mentally and physiologically, probably on a cellular level, they are more in alignment with the transition that is occurring.  But they also don’t yet have much experience in life to draw on, and are not yet physically, emotionally and mentally fully developed.  They are in the difficult position of knowing the adults don’t have the answers, but they don’t yet have enough experience to be able to structure themselves.

They are more hard-wired to look for or relate to a larger or more expanded source beyond their parents, but yet they feel cheated out of being able to lean on their parents for answers, because that feels like not having parents. This then puts pressure on the older generations to expand out of their locked-in perceptions of reality that feel safe to them.  The shift humanity is going through now means that there no longer is safety in sticking to the old tried and true ways of doing things and thinking about things.  Safety no longer lies in maintaining control.

This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.

(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)

Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.

William: “My wife has gone off the deep end.  She’s become very anxious, and is not willing to do the things that would help her.  She has become completely reliant on me for everything, and needs constant reassurance.  She is upset if I do anything without her.  I am reaching the end of my rope.  What should I do?  I’m afraid she might harm herself if I don’t do whatever she wants me to do that she feels reassured by.  I only see two choices:  Either go along with her — or don’t and feel responsible for the state she gets into as a result, including that she might harm herself.”

Jane: “The bottom-line is if your life is appearing to not work, there are one or more limiting decisions you have that are distorting your experience of reality.  And when they are cleared, the way you are looking at things will shift and a way forward will become apparent.  The reason you see only those two choices is because the ground you are standing on is limited and structured by limiting decisions that filter in only the information that supports the limiting decisions, and not anything that doesn’t.”

When we discussed it further it turned out that how William was experiencing his wife was virtually identical with how he felt with his mother when he was a child.  His mother was very anxious about life and felt to him to be very unstable.  He felt responsible for her emotional state, and that what he did or didn’t do determined whether she felt OK or not. He thought he had married someone who was strong and the opposite of her, but now it turns out that underneath that apparent strength was someone who was actually very weak, and now he is right in the middle of the very thing he thought he had escaped.

After we cleared the limiting decision “he is responsible for the existence of the woman he’s dependent on,” William said he felt a huge weight had been lifted off of his shoulders.

He was standing on the new ground of realizing that he really didn’t have the power to determine his mother’s well-being and stability, no matter what he did or didn’t do; and so he was also now realizing that about his wife as well.  He realized that he doesn’t have the power to personally solve the problem for his wife, and that nothing he can do will make any difference about it, as the source of it is only in her; and that he’s been enabling her to not find a real solution. And therefore he is no longer feeling hostage to her, or that her life depends on what he does or doesn’t do.

And so, because of this, he realized that there were, in fact, other options than the unacceptable ones he had felt locked in by.  He can now relate compassionately to her, from standing on this new ground, making clear to her what he can and can’t do, and therefore no longer being co-dependent with her.  He had felt imprisoned by his wife’s dysfunction, but what he had really been imprisoned by was his own.

Below is a response from RL to my invitation for dialog about the direction humanity is going in and the challenge in front of us.  Underneath that is my response to RL.  If you can a response to these you can send it to me using this blog’s contact form.

_________

RL: “GM foods are a fantastic idea, initially, produce mass quantity of food to feed people more quality food…  Of course there are people who want to monopolize on this instantly, such as Monsato, maximizing profits by contracting deals that cannot be withdrawn. This is done without being cautious to the effects, and giving time for science to perfect the process. Hydrogenated oil… when created at first, great idea! Food shall not spoil so quick… yet 30 years down the line we find its ill effects, but to completely ban it from use is impossible, as to the multi million dollar agreements of companies like crisco and mcdonalds. But 30 years down the line we find Hydrogenation of food is useful on sugar starches, to create an indigestible sugar that is great for diabetics, and does not cause insulin spikes.   Every discovery has an application, we just need to find the correct one, and the key requirement is patience. Money is the root of all evil….”

Jane: “To me, what you are saying boils down to: Because of greed, some people take advantage of, and have huge power over, other people.  This perspective is that we are victims of the greed of other people.

When we look at these kinds of issues, the focus is generally on those who take advantage of other people, as if they are the problem. This is not recognizing that those other people are just as powerful as those who “take advantage of them.”   The problem isn’t those who take advantage of other people; it is what causes those other people to give their power away and let themselves be manipulated.  And it is not others they are being manipulated by.

What people really desire are, for example, being powerful, valuable, successful, loved, safe and so on.  And having those is the true nature of people.  But people make limiting decisions* as children, which cause them to believe that can’t have those things, in whatever area it is that they make limiting decisions* in.  Because this feels deeply unacceptable to them, they develop emotional defense systems that cushion them against, or compensate for, not being able to access those.  People then get invested in symbolic substitutes for these that they feel they can control — such as buying expensive things they don’t need; drinking excessive alcohol; and eating unhealthy comfort foods that give them a false, but  immediate, sense of well-being.  These kinds of symbolic substitutes give them the feeling that they are powerful, valuable, successful, lovable, safe and so on.  People tend to buy into symbols of what gives them a sense of well-being.

When we go toward symbolic substitutes, we are believing that the source of our well-being is outside of ourselves.  This is what addictions are all about.  They are something physical that we believe we have control over that will give us a sense of having something we truly desire, but feel unable to access, such as love, emotional nourishment, power, success, significance and so on.  But in reality, an addiction is something that becomes out of our control, and ends up having control over us.

And so these symbolic symbols ultimately have harmful effects on us, as well as often on other people and our common environment.  This is because they not in alignment with reality.  They result in excessive consumption of resources and pollution in one form or another.  And they bring us into an increasingly deeper sense of hopelessness, because we’re looking in the wrong direction for solutions.  They cause us to rely on those who provide these symbolic substitutes believing they are the source of our well-being.  Those we believe have huge power over us, such as Monsato in your example, only have that power because we are giving it to them, believing them to be the source of what we need, as if that source could come from something outside of ourselves.”

Limiting Decisions*: Unconscious decisions, usually made before the age of 6 or 7.  They are always some form of life doesn’t work and usually that there is something inherently wrong with you, such as: “I am bad, not valuable, a failure…” “People can’t be trusted.”  And so on.

Dear Friends & Colleagues,

As I mentioned in my newsletter last week, these are challenging times for many people.  And the question of whether humanity is moving forward or backward is not necessarily obvious.  We have clearly made huge advances in many areas of human experience, but are also facing potentially disastrous outcomes from directions humanity has gone in, and continues to go in.

A couple of people responded to the invitation I gave last week for dialog.  And their responses are in the previous blog post.  My own perspective on this actually requires far more space than I can use in a newsletter article, and is in fact a major focus of my 12-week “Life is Meant to Work” tele-seminar.  And so, in my below article, I’ll give you an overview of some of where I’m coming from, which as always is based on the principle that life is meant to work.

I invite you to participate in further dialog about this or any other topic that seems important to you, by going to my contact form — click here.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Jane Ilene Cohen
Intuitive & Transformational Counselor
(760) 753-0733

The Challenge in Front of Us

An Overview by Jane Ilene Cohen

Up until now, in the human evolutionary process, we have been making progress toward increasingly more consciousness, intelligence, truth and love.  And now we are being faced with a shift that is a quantum leap beyond where we have been before.  It seems clear to me we are in the midst of a transition period, in which there is increasingly more pressure to make this shift.  And eventually the shift is going to just happen, ready or not.  For those who have not prepared themselves for it, it will probably be a much rougher transition.

Up until a certain point, humanity’s idea of progress was more or less working, as we hadn’t yet reached a tilting point.  But it has been based on some fundamentally false premises.  These are that the physical world is the basis of actual reality and is the source of real power, and that the source of our well-being and survival therefore is the physical world and people outside of ourselves.  And therefore we believe that they are also the sources of our individual and collective problems.  And so this is where we are focusing our efforts for solutions.  We have been using our considerable resources to gain increasingly more control of the world around us, and to amass more and more power and resources based on this.  Our goal becomes having more and controlling more, as if that will give us what really matters to us.  But the result is actually the opposite.

It appears to me that it takes us having pushed this old paradigm to its limits (so that there is nowhere further to go with it), and getting to the point where the disastrous outcomes of doing so are so apparent that we can no longer ignore them — before we are willing to make this shift that feels to us like jumping off of a cliff.  It’s giving up the idea that our safety lies in our human control, and instead relying on something we have no control over, based on the recognition of the totally benevolent nature of reality (the Universe, Life….).

It is making the shift into a new survival system, as radically different as shifting from breathing water, to breathing air.  Rather than, from within a limited human perspective, relying on controlling the world and people external to ourselves for our safety and well-being — it’s coming into a co-creative relationship with a larger non-physical source, which can only be accessed from inside of each individual soul.  It is a recognition that the nature of reality works wonderfully well, when it isn’t distorted by human control.

The bottom line is that none of us is at the mercy of what others of us do or don’t do.  We can’t rely on other people to do what is good for them, or for us, or for our ecosystem; and we also can’t force them.  Putting our energy and focus in that direction is not moving toward actual solutions, but in the opposite direction.  It is standing on the ground that caused the problem in the first place. The basis of greed and corruption is believing the physical is the source, which is inherently a framework of limits, leading to power-struggles or sacrifice.

Where I believe the solutions lie is in each of us moving toward recognizing how we are using our own individual, non-physical power.  (By non-physical I mean what motivates or gives life to the physical, such as love, truth, spirit, intelligence, consciousness — or the unhealed, unevolved aspect of it, such as manipulation, lies, fear, avoidance, and so on.) And it takes recognizing where the source of our well-being and survival really comes from, and moving toward a co-creative process with that larger source.  This requires letting go of the control.

What is in the way of this is a fundamental power-struggle that humanity is engaged in.  And it has to do with us focusing on substitutes for what really matters to us, and building up substitute worlds as a part of this power-struggle.  It also keeps us from accessing our real power. (This last paragraph, in particular, is a large subject that I only have just touched on.)

To learn more about the “Life is Meant to Work: Prepare Yourself for a New Reality” 12-week Tele-seminar, click here.