(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)

Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.

This is a dialog with a client of mine, I’ll call Diana:

Diana: You mentioned that I have a limiting decision* regarding not trusting my own perception of reality. Does that mean I let myself be too influenced by others?

Jane: When a person makes a limiting decision* that they can’t trust their own perception of reality, it makes them overly dependent on how other people respond to them and define reality.  It often, also, makes them overly dependent on people they consider authority figures, likely resenting the input given by those they don’t consider to be authority figures. And the reason they feel resentful of them, is that the person finds themselves being overly influenced by just anyone, which feels humiliating.  And so they blame them for having that kind of affect on them, as if they were an authority.

Diana: You teach that limiting decisions* we have made cause us to have the wrong perception of reality. Wouldn’t I be right then not to trust my perception of reality in the present state I am in?

Jane: It is true that when a person makes a limiting decision*, in the area of their life that is affected by that limiting decision*, they are invested in avoiding present moment experience in order to avoid finding out what they are afraid is true (i.e. that they’re unlovable, not valuable, that people can’t be trusted, and so on).  This results in them having a distorted view of reality.  So the solution is to open yourself up to here-and-now experience in those areas.  Another way to put that is to “stand in the question.”  What I mean by that is you stand in the unknown, admitting you don’t know what is true, and basically open yourself up to finding out what is true, rather than reactively defending yourself or avoiding what you are afraid is true.

It’s not that you can’t actually trust your own perceptions of reality in general.  Often you have very clear perceptions.  It’s that you are generally not willing to reveal what your experience is, because you’re afraid of the results of revealing it.  But if you don’t, you won’t find out what is actually true.  Instead you hide behind non-verbal expressions, which comes across to other people as an attack.  When you actually reveal your perceptions, you can get reality feedback from others, which helps you to learn what is actually true and accurate.  You can find out how what you said affects other people, and who does and doesn’t resonate with it.  When you start engaging and relating to others, it brings you into here-and-now experience which is where you can get clarity about what is true.  But the challenge for you may be that when people do respond to you, you may find it difficult to distinguish if they are coming from a clear place or not, which is why the transformational group experience can be so helpful for you in that there’s the opportunity to sort this all out.

*Limiting Decision:  Unconscious decisions made in early childhood that are some form of deciding life doesn’t work and usually that there is something inherently wrong with you, such as “I am unlovable,” “Other people can’t be trusted,” “I am bad,” and so on.

(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)

Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.

This is a continuation of a conversation with Stan in his TimeLine session about feeling trapped when he feels needed in his relationships.  (He has recently started a new relationship, the first since his separation from his wife.)  Stan said he is thinking about getting involved sexually with her.  To read the first part from the previous “Ask Jane,” click here.

Jane: We have to make the distinction of if what you don’t like is that she is actually being needy, or if what you don’t like is intimacy itself.

Getting involved sexually is not just a physical experience.  It’s a part of something that means more, and so the issue is whether the meaning more is a part of a fantasy or it’s connected to the real relationship.  Sex can be like a short cut, rather than dealing with the emotional reality that is actually there. It can get you out of standing in the question in order to discover what the relationship is.

Stan: In each of my relationships sex played a large part in the beginning and then as time went by sex becomes less and less interesting to me.

Jane: That’s because it wasn’t a deepening or expression of intimacy for you.  It wasn’t an expanding of intimacy.  It was just physical.  If it’s just a physical act, there are only so many different ways you can do the physical act.  If it doesn’t have any more meaning than that, then it’s not interesting, especially when you are past the hormonal stage in your life where sex is so biologically important.

The particular dynamic you tend to have with women makes intimacy not possible, and seems to have to do with a confusion about what needs are about or how one gets together.

What might be frightening to you about the pull of real intimacy is it has to do with being affected by each other.  The reason relationships can be so explosive is because of the limiting decisions* that often get brought up by them. You’re in this emotionally vulnerable place being affected by this other person, and if a dysfunctional pattern comes up, and if you don’t have your emotional defense system up, you can feel overwhelmed by it.  Intimacy requires letting go of your defense systems.  And that’s why working on oneself in the context of relationship is so vital, because everything is going to come up.  If you open yourself up to love and intimacy, then anything unhealed that is distorting it, is going to have a big impact.

True intimacy connects you to a larger frame-of-reference then just that person.  With neediness the other person is a symbol, in which case you are locked to that other person.  Your world has to be focused on them, because they are the object of your need.  They are the solution to your perceived problem.  But true intimacy is a connection to the real world.  It’s connected to a larger frame-of-reference than that person.  It has to do with an open channel, in which case you are connected to the essence of life through that person in some way. And so therefore you are not limited by that person.  You are not stuck or trapped.  With neediness, each person is trapped within the limitations of each other’s defense system.  With true love and intimacy it’s a part of the divine experience.  That’s what causes it to be an expanding experience.

Limiting Decisions*: Unconscious decisions made in early childhood, such as “I am stupid,” “I am bad,” “People can’t be trusted.”

(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)

Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.

Stan (a client of mine), has been separated from his wife for quite a while.  He has recently started a new relationship.  This is the first relationship he’s even thought about getting into since his separation from his wife.  He is trying to figure out what a healthy relationship would be about, having realized the relationships he gets into don’t work.  The below dialog is a part of uncovering a central “limiting decision*” that is holding the dysfunctional pattern in place.  (The next stage in the work is to do an NLP TimeLine Process to clear the limiting decision.)

Stan:  This new relationship is making clear to me that I really don’t like to be needed, because I then start restricting myself based on the other person’s needs.

Jane: There is a difference between someone who is needy and trying to use you to make up for a lack in themselves — and someone who is coming from wholeness and love, and from really enjoying you.  When a person is needy, they don’t have the channels open to receive what it is they need.  You then become a symbol to them of what they need, rather than who you really are. This is the kind of relationship you’ve generally had in the past.

Stan: While I’m involved with this new woman, my wife’s crazy dynamics don’t get to me the way they were getting to me before, and I don’t feel a victim of her needs.

Jane: When you weren’t involved with someone else, you were leaning on your wife as your life.  But when you’ve got your own life, then it doesn’t matter to you what she does, because your life isn’t dependent upon her.

Sometimes in relationships the new relationship sort of counterbalances the old one.  Whatever dysfunctional dynamics in the old relationship that felt crippling to you, because you were leaning on them, are now offset by leaning on the new relationship.  And since you don’t yet have much investment in the new person, whatever happens in the relationship doesn’t matter so much to you, until you become invested in it — which is actually beginning to happen.  And then you’re right back in the dynamics you were trying to escape from in the first place, where you now feel victim of her needs.

It’s your neediness that is really what is trapping you.  You tend to make the woman the key focus of your life.  So you’re leaning on her for all of your needs, rather than being fully engaged in life itself.  Being fully engaged in life is a challenge for most people, because engaging with the larger reality as your focus, rather than a particular person, feels much more risky and difficult.  But if you don’t base your life on a larger reality, you end up losing your self, and therefore have nothing to base a real relationship on.

Limiting Decisions*: Unconscious decisions made in early childhood, such as “I am stupid,” “I am bad,” “People can’t be trusted.”

(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)

Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.

Mitchell (a TimeLine client of mine) does not like being dependent on anyone.  And because he is extremely intelligent he has always been able to figure things out himself.  He’s now at a point in his life where he realizes he needs to expand his world beyond the limited home life he has created, but finds himself resistant to doing that.

Jane: Your life is confined to the limits of your intellect, and your personal experience from the perspective you’re standing on.  That is highly limiting.  You can’t expand your world if you can’t go beyond yourself.  To expand your world means there is something larger than you you’re dependent upon.

Mitchell: I don’t understand the concept of being dependent upon something greater than myself.

Jane: Most children start out viewing their parents basically as God, because they are physically and emotionally dependent on their parents for their well-being and survival.  But when children run into a conflict where something traumatic happens that shakes their perception of reality about themselves in relation to their parents, they then generally contract into making a generalized limiting decision* about those they are dependent on.

For example they might decide those they are dependent on can’t be trusted or that they are inadequate.  In this case they then build a defense system, such as relying on no one but themselves in life, which is what you have done.  This then limits your life to what you can personally conceive of and to what is in your control.

Or the child might make a limiting decision* that he can’t trust his own perception of reality because his perception caused him to be in conflict with his parents, or to get in trouble with them, or to be wrong.  This causes him to be dependent on authority figures and what other people think.

Or highly evolved souls, instead, basically shake the walls of heaven and demand to know what this experience means.  They then, instead of making a limiting decision*, expand to a more evolved perception of that situation, that expands their understanding.  They are then letting divine inspiration show them a greater truth than what they had understood before.  The child then is depending on a larger source.  As each person evolves he finds ways to tap into this larger source, whether he defines it in those terms or not.

People either rely on human authority, or their own defense systems, or a larger source, which then connects them with their own direct experience.

Limiting Decisions*: Unconscious decisions made in early childhood, such as “I am stupid,” “I am bad,” “People can’t be trusted.”

(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)

Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.

Q & A: “What do I need in order to be happy?”

To read the previous Q & A’s about William and Terry, go to the “William & Terry” Category in the left bar.

We’ve been following the life drama between William and his wife, Terry, from the perspective of William, who is a client of mine.  The relationship had nosedived a number of months ago, when Terry went into a deep depression and started relating to William in an increasingly more controlling and infantile manner, becoming completely dependent on him and unable to function in life on her own.  This resulted in Terry (at the advice of her therapist) entering into a month-long residential program, which she just recently came back from.  From William’s perspective, the attributes in Terry that have always made the relationship difficult for him have taken over, leaving none of what attracted him to her in the first place.   He has been struggling with what his responsibilities are toward her and how to cope with this situation, which has brought up major emotional triggers in him, sometimes resulting in him losing his temper and being hateful toward her, and often resulting in him feeling deeply unhappy.  During this process William has been having weekly TimeLine sessions with me in which we have been clearing the limiting decisions* that have been brought up in him by this situation.

The implicit question from William has been: “How can I stand this situation?”

But the real question now emerging is: “What do I need in order to truly be happy?”

Jane: It’s impossible to tell how something is supposed to end up being.  It could have been (which is what you hoped for) that Terry is somehow going to get significantly better, and things will be alright, and life will go back to the way it was.  Or it could be you end up being so fed up with Terry, because life is so miserable living with her, that you end up leaving her.  But what’s actually happening is you are going through a major personal transformation, bringing yourself increasingly more into your enlightened self-interest*, which doesn’t match either of these obvious outcomes.  The form it’s currently taking is you realizing that you have been avoiding expanding your world beyond your immediate home life because of unhealed issues in you.  But in order to be happy you have to expand your world, so your life is not limited to your relationship with Terry. It is you limiting the scope of your life which is what has been causing you to feel trapped. So right now, you moving toward happiness doesn’t require you leaving Terry.  Following enlightened self-interest* is leading you down a path that we couldn’t have preconceive of.  This shows how irrelevant our preconceptions are about how things are supposed to end up looking.  The challenge is being willing to stand in the confusion and discomfort of the unknown until things become clear, rather than jumping into an immediate solution so you can stop dealing with it.

The solutions in life require staying in reality.  And in order to stay in reality you have to follow what your enlightened self-interest* is.  Limiting decisions* block you from accessing your enlightened self-interest*.  And so when you come up against a brick wall blocking your enlightened self-interest*, you heal the unhealed issue (i.e. clear the limiting decision*) in you, and then a way forward becomes clear.  And as we’ve seen, what is in your enlightened self-interest* generally doesn’t turn out to be what we thought it would be before the limiting decisions* were healed.  And so you then take the next step, and it’s adjusting and changing.  It’s allowing things to unfold as they do.  It’s really quite a marvelous process.

Limiting Decisions*:  Limiting Decisions*: Unconscious decisions made in early childhood, such as “I am stupid,” “I am bad,” “People can’t be trusted.”

Enlightened Self-interest*: That which truly benefits you and connects you with reality, as opposed to selfishness, which is an emotional defense system and separates you from other people and reality. To read more about enlightened self-interest, go to: http://blog.janecohencounseling.com/2010/03/the-importance-of-self-interest/

or

http://blog.janecohencounseling.com/2010/06/how-do-we-know-life-is-actually-for-us-and-not-just-random/ .

(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)

Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.

(Previous dialogs with William are under the
“William & Terry” category in the right side bar.)

Continuing the journey of William (an NLP TimeLine client of mine) and his wife: As you may recall, a number of months ago William’s wife of nearly 30 years went off the deep end emotionally, recently ending up in a residential program at her therapist’s recommendation.  From William’s point-of-view, it was no longer possible to be in relationship with her, as she was relating to him increasingly more as if she were literally his child.  The longer she was living with him, the worse she seemed to get, and the more impossible the situation was for William to tolerate.

His wife always liked being in charge, and was very vocal and insistent on things being her way, according to what pleased her.  Although she was so non-functional she was totally dependent on him, William was letting her make her own decisions about how she spent her time and how she conducted her life. The result was she kept getting worse, and the situation kept getting increasingly more painful for him.

His wife has now just gotten home from the 5 week residential program, and William is determined to not let the situation with her revert to the way it was previously.  He was feeling depressed about her coming home, basically in the same emotional state she was in before, until it crystallized for him what he should do.  And that was that he should just take charge of everything about her life, telling her what she should do and making all of the decisions for her, as it has become clear she is incapable of making decisions for her own benefit.

William feels he can’t really move on with his own life until he’s take care of his responsibilities for her.  He’s trying to sort out what she is and isn’t capable of, and let the responsibility for what she is capable of fall on her.

Jane: People are always doing the best they can, from the position of where they’re standing.  So that is why one of the cornerstones of the Life is Meant to Work thought system is that it’s never about what the other person is doing.  You can’t judge them, as you’re not in their shoes.  You can’t take on that responsibility.  There are too many factors.  All you can know is your own experience.  Your only guidance for what to do is your own enlightened self-interest.  That’s why it’s so crucially important.

Enlightened self-interest is what truly benefits you and connects you to what is true.  Enlightened self-interest is what really matters to you.  It is a fact, not something that can be manufactured or manipulated.  It is not necessarily the easy path, as it often requires personal transformation.  It is very different than selfishness, which avoids what is true, causes separation between people, and is a part of an emotional defense system.

That’s why you felt better when you took a stand on making all of the decisions for your wife’s life yourself, as it has become clear to you that leaving it in her hands makes life for both of you impossible.  Your decision to do that was based on your own enlightened self-interest.  It has been a breakthrough for you to do that because you didn’t trust yourself.

For any relationship to work, each person must be coming from what truly matters to them, or there is no solid foundation for it.  Ultimately the only relationship we are in is between ourselves and a larger or Universal Truth.  If you try to make up for each other’s limiting decisions* to try to make things between you work on the surface, you just get mired in deeper and deeper untruths, which ultimately creates impossible situations where there is no way out, which is what you have been finding out.

On a soul level, your wife has made a decision to put herself in the difficult position she is currently in.  All you can do is be in reality the best you can in relation to yourself and her.

* Limiting Decision:  An unconscious decision made in early childhood that is some form of that life doesn’t work, and usually that there is something inherently wrong with you — such as “I am powerless,” “bad,” “without value;” or “The world is a dangerous place,” “People can’t be trusted,” and so on.

(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)

Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.

(Previous dialogs with William are under the “William & Terry” category.)

As has been described previously, William’s wife went off the deep end emotionally several months ago, and has been relating extremely irrationally toward him.  Her therapist hasn’t been able to make any progress with her and she is currently in a residential program.

During this time William (an NLP TimeLine client of mine) has been working through the limiting decisions* in himself that have been triggered by his wife’s behavior toward him.  His pattern had been to at first endure it, and do things and respond in ways he really didn’t want to, in order to placate her.  Eventually when he got to his limit, he would end up exploding at her. He can now respond honestly to her without being in defensive mode — with compassion, but fully being truthful and staying in touch with what matters to him.

In working through his issues, it has become clear that this experience has been just as much for and about him as it has been about her.  He has also realized that he has not been in reality about what a relationship actually is about.  And so William asked me how I would describe what a real relationship would be like.

Jane: It has to do with finding love through coming into what is actually true.

Relationships are about relating.  And any form of real relating is participating in the human evolutionary process.  That is because when you do that, you are tapping into something you don’t control — something beyond where you have previously been.

In the ideal relationship, people reveal the truth of how they are responding to each other, which means not coming from a defended place.  We don’t control how we respond.  How we respond is just a fact.  We are so busy trying to control the results of our effects on each other, we never find out what the truth is between us, and how what is really true turns out to be what we really want of each other.

When you get to the bottom of what is true between people, it always is love.  That is what is underneath the separation, the fear, the anger, and the pain.  But most people are so daunted by the dragon at the gateway to coming together with the other, they never find that out.

When we are truly relating to each other, allowing things to be what they are and reveal them without trying to control, manipulate and distort them according to what we think will work — we find that life really does work and we find love.  But relating to each other is also likely to bring to the surface every limiting decision* you have that is in the way of love.  And so it can move you very rapidly along your own transformational, evolutionary path.

* Limiting Decision:  An unconscious decision made in early childhood that is some form of that life doesn’t work, and usually that there is something inherently wrong with you — such as “I am powerless,” “bad,” “without value;” or “The world is a dangerous place,” “People can’t be trusted,” and so on.

(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)

Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.

Excerpt from a TimeLine Session with a client I’ll call William (not his real name)

William is having problems in his marriage.  His wife likes to always be in charge and generally insists on things being her way.  She has very strong desires and opinions about everything, and is not open to what matters to others.  William, on the other hand, isn’t much in contact with what he wants, but generally finds himself “going with the flow” in life.  Going with the flow has generally worked out well for him, and he seems to find interesting opportunities for himself that way.  But in his marriage it’s causing major problems.

Jane: Going with the flow is basically moving along with where the real life energy is, which is a very important ability to have.  But in this case, between you and your wife, it’s instead a part of an emotional defense system.  It’s a part of a dysfunctional relationship between you.  She becomes the flow for you.  She determines what the flow is.  Although, when she’s doing that, she herself is not actually connected with the flow of life.

The issue is “Who is defining reality for you?”.  People often go along with what’s happening around them as if that’s just the way things are, not realizing that they are letting themselves be controlled by other people’s energy.  That’s very, very different than going with the flow of life.  You have to be in contact with your self, with your enlightened self-interest, with your own direct experience in order to really be going with the flow of life.  If you are not connected with that direct experience, and you let the flow of your energy be defined or controlled by someone else, it can be disastrous — as you’re finding out.

William:  I guess you’re then flowing down the wrong branch of the river.

Jane: It’s not the river at all; it’s someone’s distortion of reality.  Really going with the flow is directly connecting with reality, the heart of things, the real life energy — which is what Divine Order is about.  It’s what makes things work.

When you’re really going with the flow — when you’re really connected to the nature of the way life is — then things works amazingly well.  But when you let yourself be taken over by someone else as a result of not being connected to your own direct connection with life, that’s when things get messed up in your life. It’s your limiting decisions* that disconnect you from your own direction experience, and therefore accessing your own path in life.

* Limiting Decisions: Unconscious decisions made at a very young age, which are always some form of deciding that life doesn’t work and usually that there is something inherently wrong with you — such as “I am stupid, unlovable, without value….”  “People can’t be trusted….”

(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)

Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.

This “Ask Jane” is a continuation of one that came out a few weeks ago called “My wife has gone off the deep end.”  I’m describing the continuing journey of a client who is dealing with a very difficult situation at home.  (Real names are never used.)

William was saying his wife is more irrational than ever and it is a living hell for him, and nothing seems to help her.  He has no personal space in their home. Whenever she wants to ask or tell him something, she interrupts him or just starts talking.  It doesn’t matter if he’s sleeping in the middle of the night or if he’s working in his office.  She just barges right in.  She tries to hang up the phone when he’s talking with someone she doesn’t want him to talk with.  He’s making plans to work outside of his home so he can get some work done, but he feels bad for her spending the whole day alone by herself, probably in bed.  She keeps thinking she has everything wrong with her and gets into panics about it, such as thinking she has diabetes when she doesn’t; she believes she isn’t breathing, when she is.  And so he tries to demonstrate to her that she is in fact breathing, and so on.  At times when she gets more rational, he thinks things are getting better.  And then she goes off the wall again. He’s generally a person who is unemotional and never cries, but he’s been feeling so stressed he finds himself crying frequently.

William: I don’t know what a loving person is or does now.

Jane: This is not about doing the right behavior.  I make suggestions to you, but that’s not necessarily what you should do.  What’s more important than taking certain actions, or changing your behavior in relation to her, is changing your insides.  This situation is causing you to have to deal with your own unhealed issues, and is breaking through your own emotional defense systems.  I can’t necessarily tell you what the right thing to do is, because I’m not in your situation. But I can help you find where the emotional triggers and the limiting decisions are in you.  We clear them and things shift in you; and then the way forward becomes clear.

Right now you’re supporting your wife’s insanity to some degree. A good example of this is when she is convinced there is something wrong with her, when there clearly isn’t.  And then you get upset and try to convince her there isn’t.  When you’re trying to convince her or change her, it’s because you’re leaning on her to define what reality is.  You’re triggered by her irrationality, and are trying to get her to be rational.  Any place you’re emotionally triggered by her and therefore coming from that triggered place, you’re supporting her insanity.  You’re supporting the reality paradigm she’s living in.  She’s in a power-struggle with you, and you’re in a power-struggle back, and feeling controlled by her.  But what your power-struggle actually is against are the emotions that are coming up in you that are triggered by her.

The best thing you can do to help her is to come into reality yourself, and relate to her from that place.  As you clear the limiting decisions in you and come more into reality, you’re connecting from a real place, from your heart to her heart, in the real world in relation to her.  You’re holding the real truth of what’s really true between you and her, despite the way she’s acting, which is outside of the reality of what is true.  And then you’re not being controlled by the insanity that’s coming from her.  And you’re also coming from a compassionate place, which includes compassion for you.  It includes you in the picture. And so you’re no longer letting her insanity rule the situation between you.

Who knows — this could be the best thing anyone could do for your wife right now — to be actually going through the process with her, and coming into reality and relating to her more and more in reality.  It could perhaps bring her into reality.

(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)

Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.

William: “My wife has gone off the deep end.  She’s become very anxious, and is not willing to do the things that would help her.  She has become completely reliant on me for everything, and needs constant reassurance.  She is upset if I do anything without her.  I am reaching the end of my rope.  What should I do?  I’m afraid she might harm herself if I don’t do whatever she wants me to do that she feels reassured by.  I only see two choices:  Either go along with her — or don’t and feel responsible for the state she gets into as a result, including that she might harm herself.”

Jane: “The bottom-line is if your life is appearing to not work, there are one or more limiting decisions you have that are distorting your experience of reality.  And when they are cleared, the way you are looking at things will shift and a way forward will become apparent.  The reason you see only those two choices is because the ground you are standing on is limited and structured by limiting decisions that filter in only the information that supports the limiting decisions, and not anything that doesn’t.”

When we discussed it further it turned out that how William was experiencing his wife was virtually identical with how he felt with his mother when he was a child.  His mother was very anxious about life and felt to him to be very unstable.  He felt responsible for her emotional state, and that what he did or didn’t do determined whether she felt OK or not. He thought he had married someone who was strong and the opposite of her, but now it turns out that underneath that apparent strength was someone who was actually very weak, and now he is right in the middle of the very thing he thought he had escaped.

After we cleared the limiting decision “he is responsible for the existence of the woman he’s dependent on,” William said he felt a huge weight had been lifted off of his shoulders.

He was standing on the new ground of realizing that he really didn’t have the power to determine his mother’s well-being and stability, no matter what he did or didn’t do; and so he was also now realizing that about his wife as well.  He realized that he doesn’t have the power to personally solve the problem for his wife, and that nothing he can do will make any difference about it, as the source of it is only in her; and that he’s been enabling her to not find a real solution. And therefore he is no longer feeling hostage to her, or that her life depends on what he does or doesn’t do.

And so, because of this, he realized that there were, in fact, other options than the unacceptable ones he had felt locked in by.  He can now relate compassionately to her, from standing on this new ground, making clear to her what he can and can’t do, and therefore no longer being co-dependent with her.  He had felt imprisoned by his wife’s dysfunction, but what he had really been imprisoned by was his own.