Q & A: Sex & Intimacy
This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.
(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)
Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.
This is a continuation of a conversation with Stan in his TimeLine session about feeling trapped when he feels needed in his relationships. (He has recently started a new relationship, the first since his separation from his wife.) Stan said he is thinking about getting involved sexually with her. To read the first part from the previous “Ask Jane,” click here.
Jane: We have to make the distinction of if what you don’t like is that she is actually being needy, or if what you don’t like is intimacy itself.
Getting involved sexually is not just a physical experience. It’s a part of something that means more, and so the issue is whether the meaning more is a part of a fantasy or it’s connected to the real relationship. Sex can be like a short cut, rather than dealing with the emotional reality that is actually there. It can get you out of standing in the question in order to discover what the relationship is.
Stan: In each of my relationships sex played a large part in the beginning and then as time went by sex becomes less and less interesting to me.
Jane: That’s because it wasn’t a deepening or expression of intimacy for you. It wasn’t an expanding of intimacy. It was just physical. If it’s just a physical act, there are only so many different ways you can do the physical act. If it doesn’t have any more meaning than that, then it’s not interesting, especially when you are past the hormonal stage in your life where sex is so biologically important.
The particular dynamic you tend to have with women makes intimacy not possible, and seems to have to do with a confusion about what needs are about or how one gets together.
What might be frightening to you about the pull of real intimacy is it has to do with being affected by each other. The reason relationships can be so explosive is because of the limiting decisions* that often get brought up by them. You’re in this emotionally vulnerable place being affected by this other person, and if a dysfunctional pattern comes up, and if you don’t have your emotional defense system up, you can feel overwhelmed by it. Intimacy requires letting go of your defense systems. And that’s why working on oneself in the context of relationship is so vital, because everything is going to come up. If you open yourself up to love and intimacy, then anything unhealed that is distorting it, is going to have a big impact.
True intimacy connects you to a larger frame-of-reference then just that person. With neediness the other person is a symbol, in which case you are locked to that other person. Your world has to be focused on them, because they are the object of your need. They are the solution to your perceived problem. But true intimacy is a connection to the real world. It’s connected to a larger frame-of-reference than that person. It has to do with an open channel, in which case you are connected to the essence of life through that person in some way. And so therefore you are not limited by that person. You are not stuck or trapped. With neediness, each person is trapped within the limitations of each other’s defense system. With true love and intimacy it’s a part of the divine experience. That’s what causes it to be an expanding experience.
Limiting Decisions*: Unconscious decisions made in early childhood, such as “I am stupid,” “I am bad,” “People can’t be trusted.”
