Transformational Teachings from Counselor Jane Ilene Cohen

This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.

(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)

Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.

This question is from Laura in Encinitas, in the process of her TimeLine Session with Jane:

Laura:  What if in 5 years, my boyfriend decides he’s done with me?  Then I’ll be single and 47.  My fear is that then that will happen again, and again, and again with all of my relationships with men after that.  I’ll be good enough for a while until they get sick of me.

It is similar to how my father treated my mother.  My mother always put a lot of energy into looking good for him, but he never noticed her.  When the family went to a restaurant together, he wouldn’t pay attention to her or to me, but his attention was, instead, on blatantly flirting with the waitress. And the message was, “he’s a man, so he can do whatever he wants to.”

Jane: The way you interpreted this, then as a child and now, has to the with limiting decisions you made, which had to do with your father having all of the power and value; and you and your mother having none and being valueless.  But how you interpreted it wasn’t in reality.

Since your father was making such a big effort to make himself appear to be so important and have the power, no doubt he was compensating for a limiting decision in himself, something along the lines that he doesn’t have power and value. And so he was behaving the way he was, not for the thing itself, but for the symbolism of it.  He’s trying to feel like a man, basically.  And the only reason a person has to do something like that to feel like a man is when they don’t really feel like a man.  He’s trying to compensate for an unhealed issue.

So it’s not about the girl that he’s flirting with.  It’s not about any of it.  It’s really about that there are unhealed issues in him that he’s not dealing with or doesn’t know how to.  And in truth what he is doing is as painful for him on a soul level, as it is for his wife and children, because he’s essentially betraying himself.  When a person does something like that, he is reinforcing the limiting decision, even though it feels to him that he’s compensating for it.

The reason it’s such a big issue for you, is because when you have a limiting decision such as men can’t be trusted, to you that’s the way men are, and you then believe you have no choice about men.  And so then you’re a part of the problem, and when you clear it you’ll be a part of the solution.  By the fact that you made this limiting decision, you’re holding in place that reality just as much as the man who is in the heart of the dynamics of it. Both are holding in place an untruth.

There’s a really big difference between interpreting this as this is just the nature of men, all they care about is their genitals — and realizing that that’s not what feeds this. The source of it, for those who have this unhealed issue, is a deep pain that they’re not powerful, or they’re not good enough as a man.  But, instead, you saw them as having the power, which is the illusion they’re trying to present in order to compensate for feeling powerless.  As soon as you realize that it’s not that they have power when they do whatever the behavior is, it’s that they feel powerless, then it puts you out of the position of feeling powerless in relation to them.

*Limiting decision: A decision made in early childhood that is some form of that life doesn’t work, and usually that there is something inherently wrong with you — such as “I am powerless,” “bad,” “without value;” or “The world is a dangerous place,” “People can’t be trusted,” and so on.