Q & A: “What can I do about my Friend’s Inappropriate Behavior?”
This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series,
in which Jane answers questions
you email to her that of concern to you.
(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)
Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.
This is a question from Molly, from San Diego, CA.
Molly: I have a very good friend. She has a habit of laughing all the time. It gets on my nerves because it is so constant and it is inappropriate many times. If something in my life happens that is very unpleasant, let’s say, she will laugh. Sometimes I simply say, “Suzi, that’s not funny.” Others have told me it is irritating to them, also. Because of this “laughing at inappropriate” times I find I can’t be around her very much which is too bad because we have fun. It’s not that she is unaware of it, because I do call it to her attention when I can’t stand it anymore. Is there anything else I can do other than have less time around her?
Jane: The first thing for you is to take responsibility for the fact that you are feeling emotionally triggered by her laughing — i.e. you’re having a large emotional response that feels outside your control. When people have a triggered emotional response it generally means that some area of pain that they already have, caused by a limiting decision*, has been activated by what has just happened. People then project that pain onto whatever has activated it, as if that person or situation is the source of their pain rather than the limiting decision* (a negative decision about yourself made in early childhood). It is important for you to get to what the limiting decision* is, because as long as you are projecting your pain onto her, you can’t relate objectively to her about this issue. Observe what the feelings are that come up in you when she does this. Maybe you feel not taken seriously, or not listened to, or not respected …. These are limiting decisions*. When people make a limiting decision* the unconscious mind becomes invested in proving that it is true, and so is always looking for excuses that will prove this. It will help if you recognize that those feelings are already in you, and that your response to her is your unconscious mind trying to prove that your limiting decision is true.
Or another approach is to reveal to her how you are responding, with the idea of exploring what is going on emotionally for both of you. That depends on how open both of you are to exploring your emotional issues and how vulnerable you want to be with each other.
Know that her response of laughing at inappropriate times is an emotional defense system (not who she is as a person), which is covering over deeper emotions that she hasn’t been dealing with. It could be she laughs when she feels nervous, as many people do. Or she may laugh when something feels too painful to her. Your emotional response to her may be the catalyst she needs to start addressing this, if the relationship between you is important enough to both of you, to allow this emotional discomfort to push both of you toward your own transformation. The question then becomes, what is most important to you in this relationship — feeling good in the moment with her (which has run up against a snag), or approaching it from the perspective of personal growth, which could lead to a deeper more satisfying relationship.
* For a more in-depth explanation of limiting decisions, click here.
