What Should I have Done Differently in this Relationship?
This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series, in which you are invited to send questions of concern to you to Jane.
(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)
Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.
Question from Sue in San Diego and Jane’s Responses
Sue: I met an absolutely wonderful guy a few weeks ago, conscious, aware, very honoring of women and humans for that matter, very loving and we had an instant deep connection. In recent emails he has been describing at length a difficult situation for him. I have found that the way he talks about it over and over to be negative and just compounds the situation by repeating all the details. I wrote a very kind, loving and sensitive email (at least I thought so!) suggesting that I’m open to hearing about HIM and his feelings, but that perhaps dwelling on the situation and basically telling a story again and again is not conducive to seeing it change and certainly not a very conscious practice, and that in the future could he refrain from doing that. I simultaneously told him that I care for him and want to support him and hoped that he would understand.
His usual emails have come to an abrupt halt, he simply responded with an ok, and I have not heard from him again. I suppose I should just let it go at this point, I feel very sad if my request alienated or offended him and if he decides not to speak to me anymore, as I thought there was potential for a beautiful partnership. I’m wondering now if it was appropriate to say anything to begin with and may have seemed judgmental of his experience. This may be showing me a side of him that doesn’t want to be accountable.
Jane: What I would say is similar to what I said to Judy in the last “Ask Jane” email in that the issue is staying in your own territory. Even though you took pains to be kind, loving and sensitive, it was in his territory, basically trying to fix him rather than reveal your own vulnerability in the situation. This makes the relating lopsided, with him having the problem. This could easily end up in him feeling judged. (Although, that wouldn’t have caused him to stop communicating with you if it wasn’t triggering a significant unhealed issue in him.) Staying in your own territory would mean revealing to him how his communication affected you, how you felt when you were reading it. A judgmental frame-of-reference gets set up when you are not putting yourself equally in the picture, but instead coming from an outside, detached perspective. When you do that you are putting up emotional walls. Also, when you say “This may be showing me a side of him that doesn’t want to be accountable,” my question to you is accountable to who?
Sue: That makes complete sense, though I see it a little differently in terms of trying to “fix” him…I just don’t want to hear people’s stories, but I am beginning to learn that that is what some people do and it’s up to me whether or not I want that around me. Bringing it into my own territory is really helpful, thanks so much!
Jane: It’s not so much that you have to decide whether or not you want that around you. That’s a frame-of-reference in which there is no dialogue, no contact. It’s that you have to get the courage to reveal your responses. Basically, it’s about actually relating to the other person. There is a world of difference between revealing your responses — and judging or giving advice. Revealing your responses makes you emotionally vulnerable, and I’m guessing that is hard for you to do. It may be hard for you to let someone know how you are being affected by them, from a non-defended place. It’s like letting them in on your experience, which takes trust. But that letting go of control, actually, is what can allow love in.
