The New Basis for Commitment in Relationship
Transcript Excerpts of Jane’s Teaching
during Dillon’s NLP TimeLine Therapy Session 8-26-09:
(Client’s name is changed to protect their privacy.)
“My particular perspective on the question of marriage (or any committed relationship) is to find out what is really true, the truth between you and the other person. The commitment is about being true to yourself, being true to what really matters to you, which means being true to your emotions in relation to the other person as well, true to what you want in relation to the other person.
It’s not a matter of conforming to ‘This is what marriage is, and now I have to conform to it.’ I believe the reason there is so much divorce right now, is because people have been trying to conform to some external ideal of what marriage is supposed to be, rather than find out what’s really true between the two people. Women, probably more than men, have stayed in unhappy relationships because they thought they were supposed to, and also because they didn’t think they could support themselves on their own. But this is changing, with fewer people willing to stay in unhappy relationships, and women becoming more empowered. People are less willing to compromise who they are in to conform to an old ideal.
That frame-of-reference can work because of the truth that life is meant to work. If you follow what is really true between people who are right for each other, there will be a coming together. If you are true to yourself and doing what’s right for you to do, doing what you’re here on earth to do, and following your own guidance; and your partner is being true to his or her self as well, there will be a way for your paths to join together. And the two of you can be fully empowered, fully true to who you are, and be together in loving connection.
This generally requires personal transformation for it to work. Relying on what’s really true between people, rather than some ideal form, will only work if the unhealed issues that are distorting how each partner relates to each other are worked through. It’s people trying to avoid and manipulate what is true, because of limiting decisions* and the emotional defense systems protecting the limiting decisions, which cause problems in relationships.
This also means working on yourself so that you become more and more true to who you really are. That’s the commitment that enables you to be truly together with someone else. Whatever would cause you to be untrue to yourself, would cause the relationship to not work. People think they have to be untrue to themselves in order to make relationships work, but that’s what actually cause them to dissolve down the line. And the older you get the less patience you tend to have for being untrue to yourself.”
* For a definition of “limiting decisions,” click here.
