Q & A: “Why do I Keep Contacting my X-boyfriend?”
This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series, in which you are invited to send questions of concern to you to Jane.
(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)
Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.
From Linda in San Diego
Linda: I had a very physical relationship with my ex-boy friend. There was never emotional intimacy and the relationship was very superficial. I set myself for a failure by choosing and tolerating a situation that just didn’t work for me. It was a purely physical situation when in fact I needed and wanted more. After 6 months and some rudeness on his part I decided to stop trying so hard to make this relationship work even if it felt good in the moment.
Even though we’re no longer together, I recently emailed him to meet with me because there was an important thing for me that I need to tell him. What I feel I have to tell him is that he hurt me a lot when he was disrespectful and rude and I wanted to tell him when and how he hurt me. But I am just thinking now, should I say this to him? He doesn’t care much about me I think. He may not even remember and the only one that has the resentment is me. Please tell me what to do because he is going to call me or write me when he comes back from a trip so we can meet.
Jane: What is it you think you’ll get from telling him he hurt you? Are you wanting him to confirm your experience of his behavior? Are you trying to change him?
Generally dysfunctional intimate relationships are a part of a pattern formed as a result of limiting decisions* made as a child, most often in relationship to a parent. People then recognize a potential intimate relationship based on this. In this case, the pattern probably has to do with men who are not available, which is then the kind of men you attract to yourself. And then you try to change that person into someone who will be there, rather than finding someone who is actually available in the first place, because as long as you have that limiting decision it’s difficult for you to conceive of a man who is really available. You basically don’t realize you have a choice. This is the reason you tried to settle for a purely physical relationship in the first place.
I suggest you write him and say you changed your mind, and that you wish him well, but have realized there really isn’t anything between the two of you to relate to each other about.
* For a description of “limiting decisions” click here.
