Transformational Teachings from Counselor Jane Ilene Cohen

This is a part of the “Ask Jane” Series, in which you are invited to send questions of concern to you to Jane.

(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)

Just go to the “Contact Jane” page
and ask your question in the contact form.

Question from Judy in San Diego

I have had this friend for about 15 years.  When we first met,  it was instant and mutual connection.  There were many times that I felt as though she treated me with disrespect, yet she called me her “best friend” and always said to her friends, “I love Judy.”  … She also had other sweet qualities, and for those reasons, I would forgive her over and over.  Then finally, a time came when I had her stay with me for her to recuperate from a temporary mental illness.  …  She stayed in the living room and it was a total mess with her things strewn all over, and she made NO attempt to straighten it up, even when I asked her…she would just say ok, and would make no attempt to help me out.  I finally got that she was always this way with me and that I was co-dependent with her…that I was just as responsible as I enabled her selfishness, self-centeredness, and even her bad manners for all of these years.   In the past, whenever I confronted her she would be very defensive and self-righteousness, and would not take a look at her actions.

At this point, I want to discontinue our friendship as it is and always has been.  And my question is:  what is the most effective way to deal with this?

Jane’s Response:

In relationships, people often try to compromise themselves or change the other person in order to make things work between them.  And when that doesn’t work and they get fed up enough, they just cut the relationship off, rather than be in an actual dialogue with the person.  A real dialogue means you get clear where you really are in relation to the other person and communicate that to them, without trying to pressure them to be different.  You stand in your own territory, not theirs.  And then they can respond with where they are at, and then you give your response, describing where you now are really at.  And in this way, you find out if there is any way forward between you, or not.  True dialogue is letting go of the control and trusting what is really true to work out in the best interest of all concerned.

So I would suggest you explain to your friend how you feel, what is and what isn’t acceptable to you, without trying to pressure her to behave differently.  You could say that although you care about her very much, you are not willing to continue a relationship with her if she acts in these specific ways.  And then the ball is in her court.  And if she isn’t willing or able to act differently, then that’s where she’s at.  The difference here from what it appears you have already done is this is standing firmly in your own territory, and from there relating to your friend based on what is or isn’t acceptable to you.  So it is a process of standing on and trusting what is true, rather than trying to make something what it is not.  And, at the same time, it is not closing the door until it really is closed.  This is difficult for many people, because leaving space for the other person’s response to where you really are at requires standing in the present moment of the emotional unknown, where people are often afraid things are impossible.  This is where people’s limiting decisions can kick in, bringing up deep seated negative beliefs about yourself or the nature of relationships.  But avoiding the present moment with the other person makes a real relationship not possible.