Transformational Teachings from Counselor Jane Ilene Cohen

Transcript Excerpts of Jane’s Teachings
during Janet’s NLP TimeLine Therapy Session 5-5-09

(Name of client has been changed to protect her privacy.)

(Jane was talking to Janet about a pattern Janet has in which she gives herself away in order to accommodate other people, in order to get them to like and accept her. Janet was saying she doesn’t see what she’s giving away that’s so important and why that’s a problem.)

“What you’re giving away is truth. You’re giving away your real responses to things. You’re giving away you being in the picture. You’re giving away what really matters to you in order to accommodate someone else so they’ll like you and they’ll approve of you. It’s a huge sacrifice.”

(Janet was saying some people would argue that marriage is all about sacrifice. Her husband has this expectation that she’ll always be turned on to him whenever he has the need for it, and that’s not the case.)

“The issue here is whether trying to manipulate truth works better than truth. Following truth takes radical faith in life, in truth, in things working to the best and highest interest for everyone concerned. If you don’t, but instead try to manipulate things, according to how you think it’s going to work, it generally backfires. If you follow what’s really true, things can evolve and transform, so that you end up with something better. But if you try to twist truth around to accommodate someone, especially if you’re trying to make up for someone’s unhealed issue (which people frequently do), it doesn’t lead forward. If a person (in this case your husband) has an unrealistic expectation, then there’s got to be an unhealed issue in there. He may have an expectation that the woman is supposed to accommodate the man, which is an old paradigm, and it’s not based on truth. (Janet said he did.) It’s a power dynamic between men and women, that has to do with an evolutionary process.”

(Janet said she didn’t think it’s possible to have both a long-term relationship and sexual happiness.)

“There’s an inherent conflict between passion and compromise. Passion has to do with what you want, what you desire, what really matters to you — very strongly. If what really matters to you, what you really desire strongly is in the picture, that’s not compromising. You have to be full out where and who you really are in order to be connected to your passion. And where is your passion in life in general? (Janet started to cry.) What’s painful is that there’s something you have given away that’s really important to you. It’s that there’s some way you have compromised yourself out of the picture in order to have security and connection and feel included, and accepted, and whatever else it means to you.”

Janet: “Don’t you think compromise is necessary for long-term relationship?”

“No.”

Janet: “Does this mean that I have to have it always my way?”

“No.”

Janet: “Well how to do you work it out then?”

“In relationship with anyone whether it’s your marriage partner, or a child or whoever it is, both of you are under the reality of what is really true. And I’m not talking about ‘I want this. I want that.’ I’m talking about enlightened self-interest. You have to be connected with what really matters to you. What really matters to you is enlightened self-interest and is connected to the Divine. But if what you desire is coming from an unhealed issue, it won’t work. So you have to deal with the unhealed issue.

What’s happening between you and your husband over sex between you is there is something going on in him, and very possibly in you as well, that is distorted because of unhealed issues. And so one or both of you wanting something different than what the other one wants, in a way that causes either of you to be untrue to yourself, is not reflecting truth and reality. It’s reflecting an unhealed issue. When the unhealed issue is dealt with there won’t be a conflict.

So when there’s a conflict in relationships, it’s not a matter of one person or the other person compromising his or herself. It’s a matter of investigating it to find out where there’s an unhealed issue that needs to be worked on. Even if your husband doesn’t work on his issues, you addressing the unhealed issue in you, will probably ease the situation for him, or it may put more pressure on him to deal with it.”

(Janet was asking how doing that would specifically turn out.)

“No one can figure out the ins and outs in advance. All you can do is clear the unhealed issues as they show up, and come into truth — just keep coming into truth, keep coming into truth, keep allowing truth to open things up. It’s not possible to figure out in advance this Divine wonder of what happens when truth and evolution open things up, and untwist the distortions of the unhealed issues.”

(Janet was saying she believes she has to sacrifice her fulfillment in order to have security. She’s afraid that if she’s in contact with her passion and desires they’ll be so strong that they’ll take over and she’ll leave everyone close to her and her security behind. And her desires would be so strong that they won’t be rational, they’ll cause her to be in danger, they’ll cause her to not survive.)

“It may be that you are an extremely passionate person. We know that you’re very emotional. But, so far, you haven’t been using your emotions to empower yourself. Most of the way you’ve experienced them is disempowering to you. They make you feel weak to a large extent and that may be because you’re holding back your passion. You’re holding back the aspect of your emotions that are powerful, in order for them to not put you or other people in danger. You’re afraid of what will happen if you release them.

This is perfect timing that this is coming up, because it’s very much in alignment with what’s happening in the group. This is coming up for Cherrie and for Renee, and it’s probably going to be coming up for Anita. Renee is afraid if she says the way she really sees things, without softening them, she’ll be some hideous monster. Cherrie feels she would end up being very aggressive and dominating if she doesn’t hold herself back. I can see how exciting this will be when we untangle this and release the amazing power in these very, very powerful women.”

The limiting decision Janet cleared in the TimeLine process started out as: “She has to sacrifice her fulfillment in order to have security.” In the process this lead to clearing the decision that “She is bad.”

After the TimeLine process it also came out that there are limiting decisions that still need to be cleared, concerning Janet’s relationship with sexuality, which are contributing to both her and her husband each feeling they have to compromise what is important to them in the relationship.