Ask Jane | Q & A | from Alice about her Son
What questions do you have?
Send it to “ASK JANE”
(Names are changed to protect your privacy.)
Just go to the “Contact Jane” page and fill out the contact form.
Below is a question from Alice of Los Angeles
Alice writes:
Did I make a grave error in judgment regarding my attempts to reconcile a failed relationship with my son? How would I ever know this, or what to do next? My attempts at reconnecting went unanswered. My 25 year old stopped communicating with me last year following my embarrassing him due to my unconventional and “crossing over the boundaries” action of actually seeking the chef to answer a question that the server was unable to provide me with following my question regarding the ingredients of the meal I was ordering… I am very sorry about my actions, and I sent a letter last week asking forgiveness, and also for any other mistakes I made in the past confirming I loved my son and wished to heal our relationship…should I have not sent the letter and just waited for him to “come around” on his own? I also mentioned I was writing a thesis on a subject that he was familiar with because of his current workplace affiliation, which is a non-profit organization that uses “open-source” software (that reveals the formatting code) in his web pages he develops, and that I was writing about the Benefits of the Internet Radio for the Visually Impaired (and that we were also now using open source code at our University for our new Internet radio web site on campus) hoping he might be able to contribute some comments or ideas that I might be able to include in the interesting innovative thesis… I also included some cash in the envelope because it’s his birthday in a few weeks as I normally do and hope he doesn’t think the money is a “bribe” for him to get back to me, and hope he has enough compassion to forgive me for embarrassing him in public through my actions…What should I do next, please, Jane, or should I just do nothing at all, this time?
Jane’s Response: The problem is most likely not about the specific incidents and actions you are describing, but rather dysfunctional relationship dynamics between you and your son, which are underlying them. You appear to be leaning on his responses for how you feel about yourself. Instead of focusing on him and his responses to you, I suggest you go inside and get some awareness about your own feelings about yourself, in the context of your relationship with him. This is about your own unhealed issues, having nothing to do with him. If you express your feelings toward him to him, it should be you giving something emotionally, as opposed to trying to get him to affirm you. Let him respond or react as he chooses. You leaning on him could be what is driving him away.
Alice’s Response to Jane’s response: Thanks for the helpful advice, yes, it was the best information I’ve ever received and I understand completely and it helped so much, Jane!!!
